TigerText

So... I'm really bored right now. I found out about TigerText so.... Yea. I still don't have a data plan on my cell phone, but I put the app on iPad, so... If anyone else know about it... Text me! I'm kinda dying of boredom.

We all have our... quirks.

I've been a shit blogger as of recent and I apologize deeply for that. I have really utilized this winter break at home only for sleeping, reading, running, and various other little things. Do know though that I do keep updated with all of yalls blogs, so that makes up some I suppose :)

Over all I have been feeling kinda down, and that was even before my great aunt died two days ago. I guess now if anyone notices, I could just blame it on that. I wasn't really close to her because I rarely ever saw her, but it's always sad to lose someone in the family.

Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with it. Here are two polar opposite examples: My mother gets pissed off. She will just get pissed off and make you feel at fault (or maybe I'm just projecting that). I hate it. I can't deal with intense emotions, wether they are mine or not. So when my mother is yelling it makes me feel like I'm 10 again and I must obviously be at fault.

I on the other hand turn in on myself. I lock myself in my room. Read, but the only interaction I really have with the world is through the internet. Pathetic, but I can't stand to just be in the living room with my mother there. Needless to say, we don't have a very strong mother daughter relationship....

Well to end this on a lighter note, I finished the novel Triangles by Ellen Hopkins today.
Oh my gosh this is one amazing piece of literature! If you have not read any of her books and you can handle more mature subject matter I highly recommend Mrs. Hopkins first ever adult novel. I don't have any of the issues that are in this book, yet she opened my eyes to some things that most writers theses days are to afraid to shine a light on.

 Until next time,
-Vizzy

Broken

I've been home for about  5 days... and now I've binged and purged.

Fuck gaining weight at college. NO! I lost weight in college, but here I am back home. Fucking weak as I've ever been just binging and purging. My family is just in the living room oblivious to what is hiding in the closet...

I'm a pathetic human being.
I disgust myself.
I hate myself.

 "I am the broken

I am the bruised

I am the poor ones

I have been used"

Moving on and unexpected epiphinanies

I felt that my moment of struggle and stupidity might help someone right now and if it does, than I know that my life is not lived in vain.

So last night after studying a bit for my spanish final (first college final EVER) I decided to watch a movie with some other girls in my suite. We watched some movie that I can't remember the name to, but if you know of "Turnip Head" that is the movie I'm talking about. (Comment to tell me what the name is if you know it) Well during that time I kinda of, sort of, binged.

Ok. So I'm positive it was a binge, and I even knew it when it was happening. Fuck I was so pissed off at myself and I'm still a little irked, but I realized just like I tell others, it has passed.

*30 minutes later*

OMG! I feel so add but I have just been doing some research on a tattoo epiphany that has just hit me. It sprung up from the fact that I binged.

Yes it has passed and that's what I was telling myself when I was on the elliptical for and hour. (I would have been on the elliptical regardless if I binged or not yesterday). It's gone. All I have is today to work to my goal.

I just wanted to let you all know that what ever crap is going on in your life "This too shall pass". You are what you repeatedly do so don't let on or ever a few crappy days to undo all your hard work.

Stand tall.

- Vizzy


p.s. that tattoo epiphany I had is that I want to get "This too shall pass" on my inner foot. I am so excited, but it's turning to winter, so I'm not sure when I can get it done...

Library lockdown

It takes locking myself in the library in order for me to finish a paper. Now I know. I did this last night because as my first trimester in college is winding down the laws of disproportional work load has had an effect once again. All the work seems to have ended up in the last part of the term rather than the middle when I basically had nothing to do but read for class.

Oh well. I just have 3 papers (2 of which are in spanish), and 2 test separating me and my home in Texas. Can't wait to be back in my familiar coolish Texas winters rather than this colder Illinois climate. It's really not that bad, but I'll just have to REALLY  get used to it fast when I get back after break. That's when snow will be covering everything and I'll have to force myself to go out into the snow to go to classes next term :/ (It is possible that that may be the first term where I may or may not skip classes... don't judge me. I haven't had to deal with snow in 15 years.)

Anywho, I'm gonna try to work on these spanish essays then go to my dorm and watch Little Miss Sunshine because it is my favorite movie and will motivate me to finish this term strong.


P.s. went to the gym and feel amazing (I absolutely love regularly going to the gym because I get so many of my aggressions and frustrations out that way which means I've hardly self injured this term Yay! And I can actually start to see the muscle definition in my arms after 10 weeks of pretty consistent strength training along with my cardio.)

Until later,
- Vizzy

Hello there,

Random news, just got some snow boots. I think that means that my feet won't die when it starts snowing here at college. I'll be miserable still... but have warm feet.

You win some and you lose some :/

Well on an exciting note I only have 15 days until I fly home! Only thing stopping me is:

- 1 paper for my mandatory freshman class

- 1 paper, 2 projects for spanish and 1 exam for spanish

- 1 lab, 1 paper, and 1 exam for psychology

SO MUCH! I'll just try to keep the end in mind...

How have all of you been doing? Only a couple have been updating your blogs so TELL ME! "I wanna know! Can you show me?" (can you guess the song reference?)

Any who... I should get some work done.

Until next time,

-Vizzy

Besides dying tomorrow

Well once again Harold Camping has made his new and improved calculations for the rapture happening tomorrow.

Yippie! ... *That was sarcasm*

In a way, I kinda wish I could just be taken away in the rapture. I am so tired. Not exactly physically or mentally tired, but emotionally. Not only does tomorrow bring about the end of the world *allegedly*, but it brings my fucking birthday.

Do I care about getting older, not really *yet*, it's just that life makes it's way of going down hill for the rest of the year. It's fucking clockwork. EVERY. YEAR.

In my head I'm planning strategic cutting places cause I know it'll most likely come to that. (p.s. I cut last monday after being clean for about 16 weeks -__-)



Does the rest of the world live like this? This can't be a normal life, because why would anyone go through this?




-Vizzy

Had an "experience"

Well, at my college we have a union board that likes to provide the students with things to do on some weekend. For example we've had bands play, talent shows, a step africa group. It's really fun usually; however, todays activity was just... very very interesting.

Tonight (well saturday the 15th) we had a paranormal investigator come and speak. His talk was really cool and informative. Then the first 40 people there got to go on a "ghost tour" with him after (needless to say I and my friends were in that 40). We visited the basement of a building and got to hear some spirits, but that wasn't as mind blowing as visiting the old jail.

In the Old Jail, we were mainly trying to contact one guy that was known to have hung himself while imprisoned. A lot of the responses were surprisingly clear answers to questions the investigator asked and even we asked. Then other spirits started talking through the recording. (Note that we gave NO information to the guy beforehand)

Well some spirits had things to say to some of us on the tour. One girls father who passed away because of a heart attack talked to her. Even one of my suite mates had a cousin that committed suicide and he was saying hi to her mother and that he felt stupid for killing himself.

I kept thinking that I wanted to talk to my grandpa because I still carry a lot of guilt for never getting to really know him and say goodbye. It wasn't until after he died that I learned how much he loved and protected me even when I wasn't aware of it (that REALLY makes me feel like shit and hate myself). Like I said I couldn't get the courage to ask to talk to my grandpa, but I heard my name! (If you know my name, you will know that it is not a normal name you hear everyday.) I also know I heard a lot of spanish which was basically all my grandpa could speak. So  I think he was trying to talk to me, but just like his dying days... I let fear get the best of me.

When I walked out, my friend asked what was wrong in spanish and I couldn't help but break down. I don't know if I necessarily believe in all of it, but how can you explain me HEARING my name? Wow. It has definitely been one very eye opening experience and if forced me to once again think about all the shit I still carry from the death of my grandpa. I really miss him...

Has anyone else ever had an experience like this or do you not believe it? I am having some difficulty really trying to process it all.

- Vizzy


p.s. Some of the spirits were very sassy and funny. At one point the paranormal investigator asked if there were any spirits that wanted to cross over and why the guy who hung himself hadn't already crossed. new thing you hear on the device is "He's waiting for the rapture, you dick!" OMG! Some spirits have AMAZING senses of humor!

Illusion or reality

Life without a scale is driving me fucking crazy. Since being in college from the end of August to now, I haven't weighed myself.

I'm looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing all this nastiness of my body grow. I don't know if my mind is just doing it or if I am getting fatter. I feel like shit when I can't exercise at the school's gym. Ugh! I need release. I just need to get better.

Better at school
better looking
a better friend
a better roommate
a better student

i'm just not good enough...

Good God, I'm so fucking tired of this damn paper. 800-1000 words of what movies mean to me *facepalm*. Also to add to the stress I have 2 test tomorrow.

I just freaking love college!


p.s. This was to tell y'all that I'm alive, but I may still not be after tomorrow. FML.

-Vizzy

College makes life so much more busy. Kind really sucks. Plus I have a job as one of the students that calls alumni to donate money to the school :S

Well I hope all of yall have been doing better than me cause let me tell you... I got assigned my first big paper Friday then purged twice... Fucking fantastic right? No, the answer is no.

Blah... I'm just scared shitless of failure. I just feel like I suck at everything. I'm not an attention seeker that most think of, but more in the normal girl way. Wah I mean is that I want guys to fucking notice me and just find me attractive. I feel fucking ugly that it doesn't help to have the world agreeing with me, you know? Fuck.

I'm tired and working on homework (a.k.a. Fuck ton of reading which I fear will not stay in my brain past tonight.)

Does any of this even make sense? I don't even know anything anymore.

I'm in my dorm

In case you don't subscribe to me on YouTube, I just wanted you all to know that I have now moved in. The room is still kinda a mess because I haven't had time to go to the mail room and get my HUGE boxes of all my shit I mailed to the school. I just have my clothes folded under my bed :/ I'm hoping to get my stuff tomorrow so I can finally hang my clothes and have all my other random crap.

I hope you are all well, but I'm gonna make this extremely short cause I'm tired.

Night!
-Vizzy

Sleep eating

Ever been asleep and eaten something in your dream. It's usually something that the majority of us put on a "no-no" list, but bam! There it is in gluttonous quantity in your dream world.

You put said food to your mouth, and eat it.

Never can really remember what happens in the dream before or after that. Some reason though, I feel disgust and regret when I wake up. Crazy I know!

"How could dream Vizzy just be so weak and stupid."




Just a though I have had of reason that I felt some of you could relate to.

-Vizzy

Sliding down the rabbit hole

From a 14 week purge free spree, to me failing just 1 hour ago for the 2nd time in 5 days.

Houston, we have a problem, and I'm going down fast...


-Vizzy

Hot hot hottie!

        Ok... this is out of the ordinary for me, but I just have to do it. I'm usually not attracted to most guys but when I see a really REALLY cute one... I just have to let everyone know.

        As you all know, I'm still down here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. When I came last year I was the math intern and physics teacher. Last year, we would go out dancing every weekend. It was a blast! At our favorite club, we meet this one guy who worked there a.k.a. "the hottie". He said we must be related because we have the same skin color and hair. (I can pass for a puerto rican).

        We yesterday after having dinner with our boss lady, we were walking down the coast home. All of a sudden we see "hottie" there talking to his friends. He didn't recognize my bff, but did a double take on me because the hair gives me away. My hair is very unique pretty much everywhere. So we decided to stop and say hi and he asked us if we were gonna go out, but we couldn't because there is work today :( I wanted to scream "yes! Let's hang out" but I didn't. :'(

When we walked away, our boss tried to make the situation awkward by asking "Who was that? I don't remember seeing him in any of the pictures." I didn't deny knowing him at all because it's not like I had sex with the guy, I just danced with him last year.

Well here's a picture with "the hottie" that was taken last year:

Well this has been my rant on "le hottie" (my poor attempt at french XD).

Thank you for putting up with it. You deserve every drop of my gratitude if you read this entire post.

- Vizzy

Missing out

OMFG! I feel like I have been missing so much about you all. :(
I'm way behind on reading everyone's blogs and haven't even thought of writing here because I've been SO freaking busy.

I'm working here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. Being a teacher is such freaking tough stuff! Making lesson plans, homework, test, AND doing it all in spanish. Blah... (I love spanish, but it's just not my first language. I learned english first because my dad doesn't speak it, so my mom mostly spoke english.) Oh, well... free practice before I have to start studying it again in college.

Well speaking of college. While I'm working, I am also trying to juggle in scheduling my college courses. I'm taking a freshman seminar type class (Creating Monsters (just a study on how society has come to create and dictate who and what is the definition of a monster)), Psychology 100 (I figure my college won't take the credit I had before because I didn't have a laboratory section to the course) and finally I'm taking Culture of the Spanish Speaking World (Specifically only the study of Mexico and Central America).

The times seem fairly reasonable, so let's see how I really survive once I'm in the middle of it :S

oh... Now about the food situation here down in Mexico. It's good, but I guess that it mean's it's a band situation? I've lost my grasp on the normality of eating.

To put it simply... after having not lost weigh in about 3 months... the weight is FALLING off me here. I can look in the mirror and I'm pretty sure I see a flatter stomach (My mind wants to tell me I'm still huge and that I'll never lose, but my clothes are disagreeing.) It's only been 2 weeks, but my shorts are very much loser (good thing I brought some belts, I suppose).

Now here's why the situation is good and bad. Bad because I'm getting my restricting tendencies REALLY intensely. (Even with a 8 week purge free streak I am REALLY getting those thoughts.) I tell myself things like:
- "Oh, well I might as not eat cause there aren't many vegetarian options."
- "It just seems like too much work to throw something together to eat".
- "Might as well save my money for college".
THOSE THINGS SUCK! If it were my sister in my situation I would tell her to really get some professional help.

But on the other hand, I'm so screwed in the head that I'm thinking of things like "Yes! The weight is finally dropping again".

If this is any indication of how I will be in college... I don't know weather to laugh or cry...

Well, I'll let yall go and live your merry life's.


Until next time,
- Vizzy

We are warped!

       Well hello hello there! I come to you a bit tanner and a bit more tired.

       I would like to call this past weekend a very busy one. On friday, I unexpectedly was invited to a house party. I decided to go with my best friend (remember the skinney one that I'm kinda jealous of... yea her) and my guy friend, I'll call him "Danny" her on blogville. He is working as my teacher intern this summer and he's going to the same college as me next year so we've been talking more that we had before.

      At the party it was a typical small get together with the purpose of some of the people wanting to be drunkin bloody idiots. Only a few can manage to seem like they have a brain while buzzed. (I don't drink... i just don't understand the point of it personally). After a while someone busted out his ipod so we could start dancing. We were all just dancing and having a good time and then one guy was leading me with the intention of turning me around so we could grind. (Could someone PLEASE give me some "bitch lessons" so I can learn to say no and not care what the guy thinks.) When all that happened I felt weird because my friend Danny was there but he didn't really know any one like I or my best friend did.

     Anywho, I drove Danny and my friend home and I stayed the night at my bff's. The next morning we woke up sooo freaking early so that we could go to Warped Tour! That's were I managed to get my tan back, because I must admit that I have been quite pale. The best band of the day, imho, was 3Oh3. I love them because they are from my home town, Denver, CO and their music is so much fun and catchy.

Sunday was left for me to catch up on MUCH needed sleep.

Ahhhh. These weekends don't happen often, but they are fun while they last.



until next time,
Vizzy


p.s. After warped tour, my best friend was texting Danny on MY phone and I think she has tried to set us up... ugh! He's a cool guy, but I'm just not attracted to him in that way. Well maybe it'll just be us hanging out as "friends" and not turn into anything else because other wise, him working as my intern in Mexico next month will be REALLY awkward, not to mention 4 years of college. FML.

Work, work, work

     Hello my beautiful people! I can only hope that things are going well for you all, if not, I hope to be a distraction. :)

     So, it has been a crazy busy time since I've graduated. I went to so many of my friends graduations. Some were pleasant and too the point, others were drawn out so long I wanted to pull out my eye lashes. Never the less, I enjoyed being able to support my friends in this momentous occurrence.

     Then just this past friday, I got to go to a group of friends party they had for graduation. THAT was fun! I danced so much XD My feet were upset with me afterward, but it was worth it! I love my heels and I love dancing.
Then last night I went to another party, but didn't dance as much :( It was more of her family, so it was kinda awkward to do any dance other than the group dances like the Cupid Shuffle. Still great to hang out with her.

So, now I know it seems like it's been forever since I've updated on my weight loss. I can say that it has been a very VERY slow occurrence. I know they say this is how it's supposed to be 1-2lbs a week, but it's ANNOYING! I hate feeling so fat when I'm with friends, ESPECIALLY clothes shopping. Ugh!

Well now me and my best friends get to be the teachers for a summer program so we gonna make some good money before college :) I'm the math teacher. I kinda don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'll fake it till I make it ;D

Well, I'll stop annoying you.

Until next time
-Vizzy

p.s. Della, if your reading this I emailed you but at first it kept telling me that there was a mess up in your email address. Then when you gave me the new one I emailed you, but have gotten no response in return :(

Say hello

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to my little friend!

It did hurt a little, but it was like self injury, just I wasn't in control of the needle.

If I were, it wouldn't have come out this pretty.

I am so happy about the way it came out! We shall see if it needs a touch up after the swelling goes down some.

-Vizzy

Dress and books

As promised, here are some pictures of me in my dress that I bought for graduation.

It is my mom's coworker and his wife with me in the photo.

I chose this one be cause my clavicles look awesome, imho. Plus the one with me and my friend show my fat arms :( ugh.

I'm working on it though! So that's a positive way to look at it.

p.s. I have challenged myself to re-read 20 books in 14 days! Yea... I'm insane, but I love this series and the new book comes out at the of the next 14 days.

It's the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series by Laurell K Hamilton.

This series is NOTHING like Twilight (that mockery of literature). She began this series in 1992, so obviously the vampires are the kind that burst into flames in sunlight... THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! And it turns kinda smutty about the 8th book in. SO GOOD, but awkward if someone ask you what you are reading XD

Here are the books.

OBVIOUSLY I highly recommend this series if I've not only read it once, but am gonna go through them all AGAIN!

-Vizzy

Graduation

Hey there.

Guess what?

I'm done! Friday night I graduated!

I only almost tripped once when going down the stairs XD It could have been quite an even to fall on my face at my graduation :P

I have many pictures and here's one of me and a friend in our cap and gowns.

Afterwards, some of the parents had planned a secret after gaduation party for us. They took us to Pappasitos for dinner, but I really didn't eat because there was no vegetarian option. Then we went to this funhouse place. That was some fun having all of us acting like kids once again XD Finally we went to a guys house where there was a light breakfast and they gave us some gifts. Every senior got a monogramed laundry bag, iHome portable speakers, and a small waste basket filled with college necessities.

Then there was the BIG gift. Every senior had a chance to win prizes such as 26' Vizio tv, Ray Ban sunglasses, an amazon kindle, money, gas gift cards, and iPad2.

Well did you know that my luck was up that night... erm morning because I won a freaking iPad2!!!!!!!!!! It's crazy... I still don't know how I won it.

well... that's most of my eventful weekend right there. I'll put some pics up of me in my dress w/o the gown because i love it :)

Until next time,
-Vizzy

HUZAAA... It is Vizzy the blob.

Blah. I feel like a blob that is somewhat triggered to purge. Instead I'm gonna write here and gather strength that all you lovely's embody.

Yesterday I stayed over at a friends because I had graduation party that night. So when I got to her house after school I realized how CRAP some people eat. It's CRAZY! All she had was fatty processed food. I finally settled on corn tortilla with cheese for quesadilla and had some hummus.

Then at the party I didn't eat any of the food even though the brownies looked good so point for me. :) (p.s. I discovered how much living in texas for the past 14 years has not made me like country music. I was SO BORED.)

I'll save you the long story of today by summing it up this way... I have not eaten over 1000 calories in God knows how long, but TODAY I DID! Bad feelings running around very rampantly...

Well, I hope you are all doing well.

-Vizzy

Interesting encounters

Ah first things first... Last wednesday and thursday I was up in Illinois to visit a college. I stayed overnight and even got to sit in a psychology/religion class. It really took me sitting in the class to imaging myself going to school there. Plus, the financial aid is the BEST!

So, it's official... I'm going to Knox College!

Now, on to something I've been thinking about just recently... I need to become more assertive. It's bad how indecisive I can be.

Yesterday, I hung out with my best friend to look at clothes we are going to need to buy for cold, snowy weather. Once we got to her house she invited me to go dancing with her and a couple of guys. I decided to (after 30ish minutes) and change at my house.

Now yall know how I hate me body, so I wasn't feeling sexy, especially since my best friend is gorgeous and thin. When we got there I started dancing, and a short (a foot shorter since I was wearing heels) asked me to dance. I COULDN'T SAY NO. I just feel like I would be considered a bitch. After a few songs we stopped cause he wanted a drink, but I don't (he bought me water though. That was sweet.) Then I went to a different dance room and two different guy began arguing over me. (THAT was a new experience.) I just couldn't be mean and say, "I want to dance with" one or the other.

Finally I went back to the other room to get away from them both, and was approached once again. I danced with this guy for the rest of the night. He was getting frisky... I mean really frisky, but that's when I finally drew the line. I would not kiss him. I just couldn't do it.

It was soooooooo strange to actually felt wanted. To feel appeling and dare I say it... sexy.


Well if you made it this far... you are AMAZING.

Until next time,
Vizzy

I shouldn't have

Just did something I know I shouldn't have...

Why am I so good at being a disappointment.

I flushed my 5 week success down the toilet... literally.

-Vizzy

hope?

Ok. Just caught up with everyones blogs. Ooof! But I love you all, so it's the price of love :)

Any who. Those of you who haven't blogged in a while, WHAT'S GOING ON!?

Just 28 days for me until I graduate, and I still have NOT made up my mind about a college (have to chose a college by may 1st).

Next week I'll go up to visit Knox College (small liberal arts school) in Illinois. They accepted me even though I applied late, but it will still depend heavily on how much financial aid they can offer.

Sucks to be poor. Sucks that education cost so much.

And can I say cuts and scars just suck too? I hate that I have to do it, but I HAVE to do it. I don't even feel worthy enough to get a tattoo of the word "hope" on my inner right wrist when the lie lives in the inner left wrist.

Well, I need to make a youtube vlog, because I have neglected them for far too long.

Even when shit is going down in my life,
hope all is well for yall
-Vizzy

Long time no blog huh... sorry (If you actually care. It not... whatever.)

Soooooo. Time has been more of it's hating self. I'm sliding deeper and deeper in to a depression of self loathing and apathy.

If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter. Nothing fucking matters or has value if it has to do with me.

Hell even colleges don't want me enough. It's evident that they haven't giving me enough scholarship. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR IT. I'm poor, my family is poor.

I don't know what to do....

The only thing I seem to do on a regular basis is cut, and please others....



Fuck it all.

To be, or not to be...

So today began normal enough.

Woke up, made a little oatmeal, went to school.

At school everything was normal until about noon. All the teachers were told something, but did not tell us. They were all acting very strange.

After lunch the faculty called us all in to a room to tell us something. It began with a prayer by the head of school and then he broke the news. A sophomore student's father had "suddenly died". (That was his phrasing) We were in there because he wanted to tell us that as a community we are all going to have to be there for her when she gets back.

Now, I don't know her or have ever met her, but I still feel so sorry for her lose; however, you can see that there is nothing connecting us. That was until I found out what "sudden death" meant. I just assumed he had a heart attack or something, but he really committed suicide. I found out from a guy who's father was friends with the decease.

BAM! That really hit me.

I have never attempted to commit suicide, but I have consider it too many times. Sometimes everything is so crippling that it truly seems like one of two options: to be or not to be.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

I hope none of you have ever asked yourselves that question, but I fear I'm not alone. I can only speak from experience, but I know how it feels to be drowning.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to just want all the suffering to end.
I know how it feels to think no one will care when you're gone.

But what I never thought about because I had never experienced it is how that decision "not to be" impacts EVERYONE. Even people you don't know nor have ever met.

Some people cried, some were numb,and some empathized. All in all, this news has changed us all. I never completely thought how my action could potentially bring sadness to those I love and care about. That is never what I intended and I'm sure that girl's father never wanted to sadden his family.

Even in the pit of suffering, we never want pain for others. Just think.

-Vizzy

Ladies and Gentlemen, To the Gas Chambers

ugh.

Only 2 days in and the week is miserable. Getting back to school after a break is tough. I have been sitting there just kind of out of it. Sorry teachers, I'm just ready to graduate.

But I can't just slack of. NO! I have to make A's in my classes to exempt the finals AND I have my AP exams coming up. ugh!

To be honest... I suck at studying... I depend on my natural intelligence (yes ye I know... I'm screwing my self over because I can't do that in college) :(

What's better is all of this stressed mixed with self hatred of my body. PERFECT!

I'll stop all my bitching and moaning now. I just had to get it out or I may go postal at school :/

I'll leave you with this song. I'm living the american dream: go to school, get a job, find a husband, settle down.

in that respect enjoy the sounds of American Dream by Danielle Ate The Sandwich



- Vizzy

You know what...

- sometimes my atelophobia can be to much that everything feels pointless. No matter what I do, it will fucking fail or suck, because let’s face it… it can only be as good as I am.

- sometimes I’m NOT ok, even when I say otherwise. Sometimes it’s ESPECIALLY when I say I am. I don’t feel worth shit, and no one cares. After 18 years that message has reeked its permanent damage.

- when I scream there is only silence

- when I feel unworthy is when I need mental help the most

people discussing your issues

Ok, so today in class we just happened to start talking about Demi Levato. (She is the star that just got out of rehab yesterday.)

Now the issues she went in are speculative, but because of tale tale scars just about everyone knows that she has had some sort of history with self injury.

So they just start talking about how it's so weird and they don't see how it could help or relieve, and I'm sitting on the opposite side of the table with all my bracelets covering scars and brand-spankin'-new cuts.

Is this a sign? The morning right after I cut, people start talking about the topic.

... it's too close for comfort.


-Vizzy

%!&$ you universe!

FUCK YOUTUBE
FUCK CENSORING
FUCK FOOD
FUCK SOCIETY

FUCK IT ALL!

*sigh* I'm sorry. It's just that I was gonna do an intense hour cardio workout on youtube only to find that copyright or some shit has taken it down.

It just seems like the universe is working against me. What did I do wrong? I'm sorry I wasn't aborted before I was born, universe. Now you just fucking torment me and try to keep me fat and hating myself... just awesome.


-Vizzy

run fat girl run.

That's the cheer that was going on in my head today while I was running outside. I usually NEVER run outside because I have a little rule against public-displays-of-perspiration, but the weather has been SO gorgeous here, I just had to get out rather than be a little gerbil on the treadmill in the garage.

I actually went faster than what I do on the treadmill, but it was a push. It's a little more difficult because you are propelling yourself rather than getting assistance from the moving belt of a treadmill.

But, back to the cheer's in my head. I steped on the scale today to weigh in, but to my fucking surprise the damn thing is the same since my 7lbs loss 2/3 weeks ago.

WHAT THE FUCK! I'm doing the ABC and running like a dog. My clothes are getting loser. COME ON, UNIVERSE. Work with me, not against me.

*sigh*

I hope that you are all becoming exactly the beauties yall envision yourselves as.

Until next time,
Vizzy

All caught up

*Currently catching up on all yalls lives by reading blogs*

ok. Done! I'm all caught up :)

So where would yall like me to start?
Hmm. Where did I leave off would be a better question.

Right, I had just started the ABC diet. Well on that note, I have been doing pretty well with the exception that I have had to switch a couple days around. I'm still doing all 50 days continuously, but I just have to make adjustments.


For example, to day is day 20 which is a fast day. I was doing fine, but then was FORCED  to eat by my "friends"; therefore, this is now a 300 calorie day and I will fast on the friday of my spring break.

Exercise has been great. I ran on the treadmill for the first time in a REALLY long time monday. I didn't even feel sore until wednesday, but when the sorriness kicked in, it hurt like HELL! But if a couple days of pain shed the fat, I'm willing to pay that price. I'm going to do it again tonight.


I have been better on the not cutting front, but it is hard. haha, but listen to how God stopped me today. When I got to school I took out my back pack and closed the door before I noticed that my purse was in it... WITH THE KEYS! Shit, I was already super stressed about 2 test that I had today and I felt like fat shit, so I was determined to cut when I got to the restroom, but my specific "tool" was in my purse which was in that locked car. UGH!


Well... those three highlighted sections pretty much give you all the insight of what's been happening with me.

OH! But I for got to mention that I went to the Jarrod Gorbel concert that he has with TWLOHA. IT WAS AMAZING! His voice is so calming.

Here's a song of his that I'm in love with

TTFN (Ta ta for now),

-Vizzy

----- Edited @ 9:46 P.M.---------------------

Wow... I just purged :(

I hate me.... I was doing so well so why did I purge. I was within the calories... WHY THE FUCK AM I SO DISGUSTING?

Holy...

WOW! I am SO sorry that I have not been here to update, entertain, help you ect. (or whatever my blog does for you).

I've just been SO busy with school. I PROMISE that tomorrow, I will catch up on everyone's blogs and then come here to update my own, but for now I can share a few pics that I have yet to show you guys.

I'm sorry again.  I feel like such a bad blogger :(

Until TOMORROW!
-Vizzy

oh my...

 I have been awarded by an amazing blogger, sweet-pea.

She gave me the versatile blogger award.

Yay! I'd just like to take this time to thank.... :P Just kidding. I won't give some long speech, but I am truly thankful to sweet pea. It is wonderful readers like you that keep me blogging :)

 regulations

1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.

2. Tell us seven things about yourself.

3. Award 7 recently discovered new bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and let them know they've received the award

1. DONE

2. a) I can knit!

    b) I'm a Anita Blake series freak! She's such a BAMF! (I recommend the      series)

   c) I can speak spanish and english. I also eventually want to learn italian.

   d) I have never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss :O

   e) I'm a vegetarian and want to transfer over into veganism. (and eventually become a rawest)

   f) I actually write a lot of poetry.

   g) I have not yet decided on a college to attend nest year.

3. Well I tend to stay loyal to the handful of blogs that I already follow but a few that are more recent are

       - noodlehead (I'm a craft addict. What else can I say.)

       - Anne

       - almost lover

 

4. Done!

-Vizzy

p.s. Down 7 pounds since the beginning of ABC diet.

abc... it's easy as 123.

Well it was brought to my attention that I didn't quite explain what the ABC diet is exactly, and for that, I can only apologize.

It is basicly a 50 day calorie limited schedual. It isn't easy so you must be dedicated and willing. It is designed to trick your metabolism because each day's calories are different and causes quick and major weight loss. If you binge on one day, fast the following day. You can switch a couple of the days round if needs be (social event, sports practice etc.). If you seriously keep messing up, start again. 

Here are the days. You can eat up to what ever amount of calories are allotted for that day.

I'm now on the "week 2" 150 calorie day.

On yesterdays fast. Everything went surpassingly well. I left the house with 2 thermoses, one with coffee and one with tea. The idea was just to use those two 0 calorie beverages to stand in place of breakfast. My friends have stopped asking me about lunch because I tell them "I'd rather sleep in than wake up earlier to make lunch. Plus I dan''t by because I'm saving my money for Vans Warped Tour." Then my mom surprised  us and bought pizza. UGH! I had to just take some to my room and then trash it :/ (I just wish it was never bought rather than it being wasted, but it's better than me eating it)

My weight is dropping which is AMAZING, but I'm really really trying to stay away from the scale, because my brain is never satisfied so it can trigger me to binge.

I'm make some tea :)

Later my lovelies,

-Vizzy

One day at a time

" I will leave here and be fucking thin. I want to leave no footprints when I travel this summer. I want to be that gorgeous thin thing at festivals. I want to deserve new clothes that will fit no matter what style because I am thin, so it doesn't matter."


This is a quote from a lovely blogger that I follow. I read this and have been thinking the same thing.


Incase you didn't know, I'm currently doing the ABC diet and it's the 10th day. To day was the first fast of the ABC, but what always helps me through is knowing that I have a goal. Not only is this goal just some far away dream, but it is completely attainable! I WILL GET THERE!

(click on it and the quality is even better)

I just want to leave you with this. See yourself on that greenery, you will get to that side, it is just one step at a time.


Stay strong,
vizzy


p.s. it is my original photography, so no stealing unless you ask please!

The color of valentines day

The color of valentines day is the same
color that runs through my veins.
I don't blame
San Valentine for my breaking drains.

Now it rains
the color of valentines day.

                               -Vizzy

Tumblr?

So my friend convinced me to get a tumblr.
I feel really inadequate at it. Any one have one?

Maybe I'm just so used to all of you and this blogerville community. :)

Well, other than that I have been watching Skins nonstop and reading Bullet by Laurell K. Hamilton.


p.s. "Snow days" for texas are awesome. I just had one free day extra for this weekend. Yay! And besides it wasn't even really snow; more like ice slush stuff. :(

Fuckin' Perfect

-Vizzy

Hello- eelllooo- ello-elo

Where has everyone been? It's getting really quite on bloggerville and that scares me. How is everyone?

For me it's more of the same, except my ass hurts. I was doing community service on saturday and we had to pull weeds. I was in a continuous squat for 30 minute intervals for THREE HOURS.

Ouch! Then I dragged along my best friend so I could take pics for my assignment. I'll take them in tomorrow and get to edit them on photoshop, but here's a preview:

"Awe Struck"

There is a hindu temple(?) ((do they call them temples?)) hidden in the woods near my home. It is drop dead GORGEOUS!

-Vizzy

p.s. My favorite author, Ellen Hopkins, has releases the cover of her newest novel Perfect.

I CANNOT wait! Comes out 9/13/2011  :)

Too much

Too much everything and nothing.

It's just to much.

Why can't I just think, breath, live, speak, react (ect) like a fucking normal person.

Instead I take everything on myself... I bear the world's burdens. The only "copping" I have is to slice and dice until I'm raw.

"Seeping"

-Vizzy

Photography revisited!

So here's a few more of my works. I'll put up more later.

This batch all has a floral theme I suppose. May it brighten even the darkest of days for you.

-Vizzy

Photography

Lock away from paradise.

This is one of my favorite pictures that I have taken for school. I'll try to upload more soon, but I think I have to scale them down :/ .

-Vizzy

Senioritis

If only I still cared..............

Senioritis is a bitch!

-Vizzy

2011

This is my year in many ways.
I'll turn 19 which is weird for me to think about.
 I've always been older than all the other kids my age. Maybe it's the shit I've been through that has allowed me to skip all the immaturity and naivety that some are just growing past. So now my physical age is catching up to my mental age.

I'll graduate high school and go to college!
Ekk. I can hardly wait for this one! I'm through with the same biased school and materialistic people. I want to meet people from all over. All different races, cultures, ages ect. I need a cultural change rather than 90% privileged white kids around me.

Becoming vegan?
I usually believe New Year resolutions are useless, or at least for me, but this year I have actually resolved to research veganism. I'm currently reading Becoming Vegan: The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-Based Diet, which is often referred to as THE vegan bible. Basically becoming vegan won't be an overnight thing like becoming a vegetarian was. I just need to equip myself with all I can know about it, so that when I do eventually transfer over, I'm more than sufficiently prepared.

So why wouldn't my body fit in to "my year"
This will be the year to reach my goal. To workout as much as possible, and eat the very necessity and nothing more.

well I'm off to read Hamlet for school. I really like it more than I thought. Perhaps it's cause he's a mentally struggling character.  Ah Shakespeare, thou doth written in a way that most still cannot.

-Vizzy