My Life's Scrapbook

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I can't get no satisfaction...

Well, I feel like my cals have been.... ok this week. 

For the last two days I had been REALLY busy so I wasn't able to track my cals until this morning :S That had me eating as little as possible and over estimating EVERYTHING!

Tip: If forced to go to Starbucks, just order a regular coffee (decaf if you prefer) and add in splenda or equal in the little condiments bar. This way you can have a darn near 0 cal drink compared to some of the fancy crap that has 200+. 

After having the coffee my family and I went to this college conference thing, lunch was offered.  Well, luck me, all they had were Quizno's turkey sandwiches, original lays potato chips,  and a chocolate chip cookie. I do not like any of those things. I don't just mean I don't like them because of ana, but I honestly hate them. I'm a vegetarian so the sandwich was out, never have liked any of the original flavored chips (if they were cheese ect. i'm not sure if I would have been strong or if my parents would have let me get away with not eating them). This is the weirdest of them all. I could possible be the only person in the WORLD that doesn't like chocolate chip cookies. I just can't stand them. HOWEVER! If you gave me chips ahoy.... can we say hello binge and purge.  Chips ahoy have just alway tasted amazing!

Yes i'm weird.... I just spent a whole paragraph talking about food... so sue me!

Well according to the scale yesterday morning, I am a consistent person. This infuriates me! I don't want to be stuck at this same freaking weight!

fghjkls;gjkla'dfioea[wfjklsd;ghiroesghiworae[fghjlsdaghuripahfgujdksl;fnjs (frustration typing)

-TheInvisibleDisorderedOne "Vizzy"

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What is this... 2 post in 2 days?!?! Scandalous!

Hey today I was thinking: how far would you go to protect your eating disorder?

I make up a lot of hypothetical situations and conversations in my head. (Crazy much?)
What are the chances someone sees one of my scars and questions me? Granted, I would deny it at first, but I'm not deathly afraid of the truth getting out. (Plus, my parents confronted me once last year, but haven't mentioned it since. I think they think I don't do it anymore.)

On the other hand, if someone ask me if I purge or restrict on purpose, I WOULD LIE MY ASS OFF! I will make up excuses, get emotional, show them that I am not thin let them know I am not sickly thin (obviously I'm huge) ect. Maybe it is because because I am not at my goal weight. (will I reach out for help then?) but then I start to panic because I'm afraid I'll just get fat again...

I would admit to self injuring before admitting to an eating disorder. A year ago I would have NEVER even thought that I would have something worse than cutting... How the times have changed.

Why can't I just be like my best friend who is INCREDIBLY thin, but she eats a TON! *sigh*


Monday, January 25, 2010

I need eternal sleep

OMFG! Last week and the beginning of this week have been HELL!!!!
I want to blame it on pre-period hunger (during my period I lose my appetite), but i know I'm just a FAIL.
Incase I didn't tale yall, I gained the 2 pounds back that I lost 2 weeks ago! I am so upset :(

I have been bingeing and purging like a fucking maniac. Would have loved to purge all the cake I binged on, but family came over and I wouldn't have had privacy, even in my own room. FML! I mean my dad sent a piece to my grandma that lives near us, and he was like "what has happened to all the cake". At least I didn't eat the whole damned thing. I feel like a pig. What am I supposed to say? It's ok for him to eat a whole 1/2 gallon of strawberry ice cream, but he questions me about cake? UGHHHHH!

Then last saturday I exercised for 2 hours (12-2 a.m.) My legs were about to give out! I hit my wall around 75 mins, but then it seemed like my legs really warmed up and were comfortable with the rest.

Tip: When doing intervals, make a special playlist to starting with a slow song to warm up, than up beat (jogging/ running), slow (speed walking), upbeat, slow ect. This way you can really forget about how much more time you have left. Just make the playlist as long as you want your workout to last. (Oh! Try adding 2-3 upbeat songs in a row!)
<= Look it's me!

Sorry this is so spastic, but I'm tired, I have not worked out, I feel like a cow (just call me Elsie), and I have papers to write, I probably have gained more,  I have scholarship applications to fill out, and I want to cut...

Anyone want to trade lives?


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better." - Andre Gide

Boy aren't i just the little artist :P
I did a little mural on my wall. I just love To Write On Her Arms so much that I sketched this over the week when I didn't want to do my homework. hehe. ^^
I then painted it last weekend. I'm very happy with how it turned out.

I didn't update on Sunday because I was working on this, and for that I apologize.
When I weighed in on saturday morning I had only lost 2 lbs dor week two of the SparkTeens bootcamp thing. I knew if I lost anything less than 5 I would be upset, but boy, I didn't expect how much I would be upset. :( Well I have 3 more to go until I am back at low weight. (I kind feel like a fail for gaining weight from thanksgiving to the new year) :(


I think it was on sunday, I wanted to cut. This time it was one of those strong NEEDING feelings. I couldn't really associate it with no emotion, so I was really confused of where it came from. However (I still believe it was God's will) i happened to read Della's post and that helped me SO much that I did not cut.

Until next time,

Friday, January 15, 2010

Oh my word!

I think in the past month I have gone from 1 to 10 subscribers! This is so amazing and I want to thank each one of you for caring (or just being interested) in what I have to say.

Now, this past week has been what I would like to deem "the fat week". Not that I don't feel like I'm not fat already,but this felt like I was the 163lbs girl with an added 300000 lbs. It seems like no matter how little I ate or how much I worked out, I was getting bigger and bigger. It's a horribly despairing feeling, but I hope that it will wear off. (Oh God I pray I don't stay stuck like this...)

School= same empty void it has always been for me.

Oh. Brain epiphany....
Do all remember like my 2nd most important resolution for 2010. Well I have officially slipped this year now. I purged what I had for dinner cause I just felt like plain shit and I needed to get that food out! However, I will try not to let this fuck up hold me back because I REALLY want to stop bingeing and purging. (just thinking of my next dentist visit (I'm already due :S) freaks me out. What if they look at my teeth and think "What the hell?!? Have you been chewing on battery acid?")

Well, I'll try to update sunday to tell you how much I have lost this week on week 2 of the sparkteens bootcamp.


p.s. I recommend (if under 18) or (over 18) if you need to track calories burned or eaten. It is wonderful.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Ever notice that in accomplishments you still feel like you fail?

I have been participating in the "SparkTeens Official Spark Your Body Bootcamp" for a week now. It has 5 days of 30 min cardio plus some sort of strength training everyday. I was pretty consistent with the exception of the last three days (FAIL), but I am down 5 holiday pounds in one week!!!! This leaves me at a whopping total of *drumroll to build suspense* 163 lbs.*Wah wahh waaaaaaahhhh*

Why yes... I am a fat anorexic/bulimic :(

Even though I was over joyed for about 30 minutes, the rest of the day has sucked. i've talked to 2 ana buddies and cheer me on, but i almost feel that by this time next week I won't have lost anything. I don't know why, I just do.

Anywho, last night my friend invited me to watch "Youth in Revolt". (p.s. I suggest just seeing it with friends like I did, cause if your parents are there it will be very awkward.) There is one scene where the main character sneaks in to his girlfriends boarding school. He goes to the restroom and the next thing you know... there are the vomiting sounds.Basically this girl rats him out... and you can watch the movie for the rest.
Boy, let me tell you did I get tense! Granted I haven't purged in 14 days, I was sitting by the ONLY person that I have EVER told about my purging. (It was when I had just started and I was kinda freaked out.) We have never talked about it since that day, but at that moment, I felt that she had still not forgotten.

I don't know if she thinks I still purge or not, part of me wants her to and the other part doesn't. Somehow this tiny voice of reason and health is hanging on and wants me to recover... but the other part always win with things like "You'll get fat(ter)", "you could never do it", "No one will believe you have an ED since your so fat" ect.

These were just my thoughts after seeing the movie. All in all, it was pretty funny XD.

Be safe,

p.s. I want to thank all of you who follow me and ESPECIALLY those who comment. like I said earlier i was feeling kind of shitty, but then I realized that I had been getting comments all this time. (I epically fail!). I had just been waiting and waiting for email notifications that never came. :( But now I know the truth, so THANK YOU!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

First day back.

Ugh! School.
nuff said.

Alright I'll explain. So today was our first day back since the christmas break and boy do they welcome us back with a KBOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I go to a private school so this is kinda expected, but it seems like every teacher thinks that they have the most important subject, so we need an hour with their homework.
I have a ton of homework and STILL need to workout!


How do yall manage to fit in homework and exercise?