Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Well, everyone knows that this a time of change. A time to start new and fresh.
Well, my resolution is to get control over my binges.
Now I'm not the type of person to make resolutions because I don't like to set myself up for failure, but this needs to be done.
Over this holiday season, the scale says I have gained TEN POUNDS.
But now it is time to change it all.
I WILL REACH MY GOAL WEIGHT BEFORE 2010 IS OVER!
Join my with whatever resolutions you are going to make.
Feel free to message or comment.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Today had been okay up to the last 5 minutes.
I was inspired to create my own blog after reading Kat's (a code name) "TheQuestForPerfection". I'll admit that I haven't been on in a while, and when I logged on I see that she had some post.
I clicked and got the message that the page no longer exist...
I did it again
just to get the same message.
i think I have slight abandonment issues. I would follow this girl and read what she had to say pretty much with an obsession. I felt like she was one of the few people that would understand me.
Right now I feel... alone, used, abandoned.
Fuck you if you think I sound "emo" and need to just "get over it". This girl was a cyber friend that knows EXACTLY how I feel. From cutting to anorexia and bulimia.
I felt like I might have been on the track of recovery.
Now.... now I feel like I'm slipping.
Where, you ask?
I don't know. but it doesn't feel good.
Anorexia is fucking screaming in my head...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
So much freaking stress!!!!!!!!!
I freaking hate myself soo much.
Yesterday I binged, not because I was hungry from restricting, but because I just hate myself THAT much. It's really hard to explain...
My mother is always fucking yelling at me in the morning that I make her late and the I don't rush. FUCK HER! She doesn't know what the fuck my fast and slow is. It fucking frustrates me so much! I usually end up cutting in the morning before school.
I feel so fucking pathetic... I'm sitting outside my classroom what i'm gonna have a final in at noon and I'm watching thinspo!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I just want to fucking die. My body hurts. It feels like I've been beaten but i think it's because my bones are getting closer to the surface and when i sleep they press on my skin. but i'm fucking HUGE! i don't understand it! Last time I checked I weighed 160, but the batteries are dead in the scale so I have no fucking clue what I weigh now. Feels like I've gained 6028204 lbs by just thinking about food. ugh
(I'm sorry this whole message is so random, but I'm tired (4-5 hrs per night) ... haven't eaten in 14 hours [really want to hold this fast out for at least 24hrs] and my brain is just messed up.)
Hoping i die soon,
Monday, November 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The number of times my body has circled the sun.
And what a night this has been.
So I woke up this morning and my family decided that they were going to sing me happy birthday. Nice gesture, so I was still down, but it made me feel slightly better, but I still cut when I got to school.
Then I went to school and only 2 people knew it was my birthday, everyone else just realized when they mentioned something.
blah blah blah
Now the fun part.
When I'm in the car on the way home with my mother she asked if would want her to go to the store to make something special for dinner. I told her no honestly not wanting anything because I have a shit load of homework and just want to try to get it done and go to bed by 11 at least.
Even though I kept protesting, she finally showed her true intentions.
She really just wanted to go to buy groceries because my grandmother wanted to come over. She wanted to be a "good host" and have food to serve my grandma. If my grandma really wanted to be there for ME she wouldn't need food as a fucking incentive.
Well, my mother comes home with the groceries and tells me to make the fucking cheesecake that I knew for a fact I would not eat. It just really began to get to me when I realized it was turning more into an event for my grandma instead of the true reason... my fucking birth.
I went to my room and felt like I couldn't breath! Not physically, but emotionally. I couldn't fight it any longer I had to use the one life line that has never failed me before... I cut again. It just put me in that medium between pain and relief. That dangerous calm place in my mind.
I really didn't want to eat (fuck when do I these days?) but my grandmother arrived and I went to the table.
Yummy... bean tacos... *monotone sarcasm*
I was eating it slowly, then it's like the fucked up presence in my brain flipped the switched and said "you will get this crap out".
After acting polite at the table I walked to my room and it's like a bomb went off. I began freaking out, crying, hyperventilating, and punching myself. (Now that I look at the last hour I think it was because I was just trying to act like I was "normal" when in my head all I can think about are calories, razors, and my longing for death.) I began to puke out what dinner I had... ugh. Has to be one of the fucking most disgusting things I do. When I was calmer I went in to cutting session number 3 for the day...
Now I'm here... typing my story for the day...
17 years ago I was born.
Who would have known I would end up like this?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Self hatred grows in me like cancer,
I can’t locate its whereabouts but it's feasting on its host.
I expected him to have the answers.
I thought I taught him how to love me;
Now he fears me like a ghost.
You’re the only guaranteed loyalty;
In this town,
Full of violent mothers,
I swear to you, I’ll never love again.
This hunger grows inside me like a tumor,
The dizziness just compliments
This failure of a girl.
I’m settled now,
This show of mine consumes me,
But every pound I shed
Speaks volumes of my lack of self control.
You’re the only one that dare speak the truth about me;
In this town, with
Well intentioned mothers,
I swear to you, I’ll never eat again.
You never fail to comfort me;
In this town, filled with