My Life's Scrapbook

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Years Eve Eve

Well how are all of you enjoying your time off?

Well, everyone knows that this a time of change. A time to start new and fresh.
Well, my resolution is to get control over my binges.

Now I'm not the type of person to make resolutions because I don't like to set myself up for failure, but this needs to be done.
Over this holiday season, the scale says I have gained TEN POUNDS.


But now it is time to change it all.

Join my with whatever resolutions you are going to make.
Feel free to message or comment.


Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry F*$&ing Christmas


Today had been okay up to the last 5 minutes.

I was inspired to create my own blog after reading Kat's (a code name) "TheQuestForPerfection". I'll admit that I haven't been on in a while, and when I logged on I see that she had some post.

I clicked and got the message that the page no longer exist...
I did it again
and again
just to get the same message.

i think I have slight abandonment issues. I would follow this girl and read what she had to say pretty much with an obsession. I felt like she was one of the few people that would understand me.

Right now I feel... alone, used, abandoned.

Fuck you if you think I sound "emo" and need to just "get over it". This girl was a cyber friend that knows EXACTLY how I feel. From cutting to anorexia and bulimia.

I felt like I might have been on the track of recovery.
Now.... now I feel like I'm slipping.

Where, you ask?
I don't know. but it doesn't feel good.
Anorexia is fucking screaming in my head...


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Long time no see

I am in the midst of finals week :S
So much freaking stress!!!!!!!!!

I freaking hate myself soo much.

Yesterday I binged, not because I was hungry from restricting, but because I just hate myself THAT much. It's really hard to explain...

My mother is always fucking yelling at me in the morning that I make her late and the I don't rush. FUCK HER! She doesn't know what the fuck my fast and slow is. It fucking frustrates me so much! I usually end up cutting in the morning before school.

I feel so fucking pathetic... I'm sitting outside my classroom what i'm gonna have a final in at noon and I'm watching thinspo!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I just want to fucking die. My body hurts. It feels like I've been beaten but i think it's because my bones are getting closer to the surface and when i sleep they press on my skin. but i'm fucking HUGE! i don't understand it! Last time I checked I weighed 160, but the batteries are dead in the scale so I have no fucking clue what I weigh now. Feels like I've gained 6028204 lbs by just thinking about food. ugh

(I'm sorry this whole message is so random, but I'm tired (4-5 hrs per night) ... haven't eaten in 14 hours [really want to hold this fast out for at least 24hrs] and my brain is just messed up.)

Hoping i die soon,

Monday, November 16, 2009

Theses streets will make you feel brand new.

Well I can't quite remember what I last said in my blog. Opps :S
Having a youtube and a blog can get confusing cause I sometime feel like I've said something here, but I might have only vlogged it on youtube. Oh well.

Well I'm still in that dangerous quite place in my mind, but slowly sinking.

Last weekend I did not binge, but just ate more than I allow myself during the week. I have been pretty regular about my exercising getting a MINIMUM of 90 minutes a week and always taking the stairs at school plus strength training 3 times a week.

Oooo... Tomorrow there is something going on at my school for the people in my grade and my parents. It isn't gonna be until about 7, but I'm going to stay there until the meeting because it would be pointless for me to get home at 5:30 just to go back at 6:30. Two good things come from this:
1 I can get my homework done because i won't get distracted like i do at home
2 I can tell my parents "Oh, I already ate at ______name of a restaurant________" but in reality really get away without having to worry about that pressure of being expected to eat :)

That it for now,

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

2 Days Until Hallows Eve

Hello everyone.

I'm kinda scared. Does anyone here have bipolar disorder? I think I might have it. Friday I was just widely lively and energized after having about 3 weeks of absolute depression.

What are the chances?

Well I have shit loads of homework.

Until next time,

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

17 Revolutions


The number of times my body has circled the sun.
And what a night this has been.


So I woke up this morning and my family decided that they were going to sing me happy birthday. Nice gesture, so I was still down, but it made me feel slightly better, but I still cut when I got to school.
Then I went to school and only 2 people knew it was my birthday, everyone else just realized when they mentioned something.
blah blah blah

Now the fun part.
When I'm in the car on the way home with my mother she asked if would want her to go to the store to make something special for dinner. I told her no honestly not wanting anything because I have a shit load of homework and just want to try to get it done and go to bed by 11 at least.

Even though I kept protesting, she finally showed her true intentions.
She really just wanted to go to buy groceries because my grandmother wanted to come over. She wanted to be a "good host" and have food to serve my grandma. If my grandma really wanted to be there for ME she wouldn't need food as a fucking incentive.

Well, my mother comes home with the groceries and tells me to make the fucking cheesecake that I knew for a fact I would not eat. It just really began to get to me when I realized it was turning more into an event for my grandma instead of the true reason...
my fucking birth.

I went to my room and felt like I couldn't breath! Not physically, but emotionally. I couldn't fight it any longer I had to use the one life line that has never failed me before... I cut again. It just put me in that medium between pain and relief. That dangerous calm place in my mind.

I really didn't want to eat (fuck when do I these days?) but my grandmother arrived and I went to the table.
Yummy... bean tacos... *monotone sarcasm*
I was eating it slowly, then it's like the fucked up presence in my brain flipped the switched and said "you will get this crap out".
After acting polite at the table I walked to my room and it's like a bomb went off. I began freaking out, crying, hyperventilating, and punching myself. (Now that I look at the last hour I think it was because I was just trying to act like I was "normal" when in my head all I can think about are calories, razors, and my longing for death.) I began to puke out what dinner I had... ugh. Has to be one of the fucking most disgusting things I do. When I was calmer I went in to cutting session number 3 for the day...

Now I'm here... typing my story for the day...
17 years ago I was born.
Who would have known I would end up like this?
-The InvisibleDisorderedOne

Tuesday, October 13, 2009



I have been having the worst fucking weeks yet! Basicly it starts when my mom bought stuff to make the no bake cheesecake.
This wouldn't really be a problem if it weren't some other food, but I'm addicted to cheesecake. No Joke...
It's that bad.
Well after diving into that for the past few days I have reached the resolve to not eat a morsel more of it. (I don't even give a &*%$ if my mom decides to make it for my birthday next week.)

For the past few days I've been having sever bouts of depression so I happened to cut myself last night. :( I hope it goes away because I'm walking around my school feeling like a freaking zombie who is out of her body and on the brink of tears. Ugh. I hate feeling so vulnerable. Being depressed and keeping it in is what I usually do, but lately it has just been spilling over.

Well I got to go to bed because I have the PSAT tomorrow :(
Wish me luck... I think I'm really going to need it.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Busy as a bee

Sorry I really haven't been able to keep you updated. (if anyone reads this... does anyone read this?)

I have shits load of home work and not enough time to do it all.
Just to sum up the ABC diet: I was doing really well the first week, but then I had to go to a friends party and no knows that I suffer, so I put on a facade. Basically that triggered a very binge filled weekend, but I am whipping myself back on track. I'm not strictly following the ABC because I have a certain limit of calories that I have set for myself but the ABC diet is sort of a weird guide... :S

Meh. No time to explain myself. I'll try to vlog this weekend and put it on youtube, but no promises.

Until next time,

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's easy as 123

Hello Hello my lovely/ handsome followers (if anyone follows),

School's been a bitch in a way that takes up ALL my time, so my exercise has been slacking (for my standards).

If anyone is triggered by numbers please don't highlight the next section, otherwise highlight to see.

hw: 260
cw: 166ish
lw: 162
gw: 123

Ok... So obviously I have lost A TON of weight, but I have so much more to go. Since I'm feeling pretty confident and have eaten only triple digit in the amount of calories, I'm going to start the ABC diet tomorrow! I hope I can lose at least 10lbs.

Well. Until later,

Friday, August 28, 2009

Utter Regret

I'm sorry for not posting in a while, but i started school 8/19/07. Ugh...

I have been so busy is absolutely fucking ridiculous! I hate that place so much! I swear if I never went to that school I wouldn't be the way I am know. All my "bad habbits"... fuck it I'm gonna be honest. All my disordered ways seem to have sprung up ever since I have been going to that school. It's my own hell on earth.
No I'm not one of those kids that just hate school because of the homework, it's just the HUGE 5 hour a night amount and all the fake people there.
Let me see... I ended up cutting a last week... Purged this past wednesday... binged tonight. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I was doing soooo good today (as in my anorexic side was taking over) then i got home and would not stop fucking eating. Even as I sit here typing I feel huge and disgusting. I abhor everything about me. I have been trying to stop purging (hadn't done it in a 2 weeks before 2 days ago), but when the binge mode shut off in my brain it had already been to long to purge. (God, but I still want to...)

I'm gonna get on the treadmill and pray to God I don't gain weight...

p.s. Before I go I want to mention I finally was able to get Tricks by Ellen Hopkins. She's my favorite author (I have met her twice) and she has written all of my favorite books. I'll tell you how it is.

I pray that yall are in better health,

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Forgot to mention Maria Mena more.

She is so inspirational.

Look at the lyrics to this song yourself...

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
by Maria Mena

Self hatred grows in me like cancer,

I can’t locate its whereabouts but it's feasting on its host.

I expected him to have the answers.

I thought I taught him how to love me;

Now he fears me like a ghost.

Self-fulfilling prophecy,

You’re the only guaranteed loyalty;

In this town,

Full of violent mothers,

Cheating fathers,

Leaving lovers.

I swear to you, I’ll never love again.

This hunger grows inside me like a tumor,

The dizziness just compliments

This failure of a girl.

I’m settled now,

This show of mine consumes me,

But every pound I shed

Speaks volumes of my lack of self control.

Self-fulfilling prophecy,

You’re the only one that dare speak the truth about me;

In this town, with

Well intentioned mothers,

Starving daughters,

Worried lovers.

I swear to you, I’ll never eat again.


Self-fulfilling prophecy,

You never fail to comfort me;

In this town, filled with

Violent mothers,

Cheating fathers,

Leaving lovers.

Angry brothers,

Starving daughters,

Starving daughters,

Worried lovers.

I swear to you, I’ll never trust again.

I'll put up more every time I post.

- InvisibleDisorderedOne

Awake for 24+ hours

I haven't been able to sleep at all.

Last night after downloading all of Maria Mena's songs, I just lied in bed listening to it.
Then When my parents left for work I got on the treadmill for an hour.

God, I just feel guilty for eating. I fucking hate this! I wish I could live with out food (like forever so I couldn't die because I don't eat). I kinda had the urge to purge, but I held strong and just did a workout video on youtube I like.

I really want to just fast, but living with parents doesn't make that easy. :( Also, this saturday I have this luncheon I have to go to. My being a vegetarian will really make it more "normal" why I won't be fucking pigging out like everyone else. It really scares me though. (And I deal with anxiaty by cutting) I did confess to my purging when I just began to my bff, but haven't after that. I don't know if she knows how much it really triggers me. No matter how much I eat, if it isn't lettuce, I'll feel like shit for eating it.

I'm I alone in this struggle?


Monday, August 3, 2009

8/4/09 1:04 A.M.

Still haven't gone to bed... Ugh!
I've just been kind of snacking. Not full out binge mode, but just mindless munch. I fucking hate this.

How is this even possible? I can love food but abhor it with a seething passion.
Does that ever happen to anyone else?

Also I always get an urge to exercise at night. During the day, not so much. Plus it is soooooo hot here. That is still no fucking excuse for my fat ass, but I just... ugh. I just fucking hate my life! I thought things would get better when school let out, but I'm still in this depression, it was just worse then.

I just want to weigh less. I'm tired of always being fat and I'm tired of this damn disorder too.
I just want to get down to my goal weight of 125 and be normal and happy.

Is that to much to ask for?

I'm gonna watch OSnapski's youtube video.
She is an inspiration of hope.


8/3/09 Introductions


Well this is the first time I have written my own blog. There's something very... releasing about it. Seeing as this is the first installment of "Words from a Sufferer", I should give an introduction.

Hi, *awkward laugh*
I am 16. Like many men and women, I am a self injurer and also have an undiagnosed eating disorder. I started cutting when I was about 14, I think. My school is a very stressful place and I suppose I just learned the wrong way to cope. Now my parents do know that I "used to" cut (My mom confronted me once), but it seems that they think I have stopped. Even when they "talked" to me about it, they just dismissed. We've never been that close, so even with the chance to talk to them, my brain and heart have stopped trying. I've been emotionally hurt too many times that I no longer like to open up to people.
Now my food issues. :S

I have always had issues with food. I've been a fat ass ever since I could remember. Fuck, it couldn't have helped that I have no self-esteem either. Well, in about sophomore year, the tides changed between me and food. I began to loath it. I used the food as something I can control when I can't control how many test I have or the amount of homework assigned. Then this year, I went on a vacation during my easter break and had my first binge-purge cycle.
I had been restricting pretty heavily then, and I just walked into my grandmothers kitchen. For some reason she had girl scout cookies (Caramel delights) ((This is strange because there are no girl scouts in Mexico)). I ended up eating all that she had left in the box (about 10 cookies). I felt so disgusted with myself that I went to the restroom and... well you know.

*Exhale and wipes forehead* Wow. You now know even more than my best friend.
I'll keep you updated.