My Life's Scrapbook

Monday, March 29, 2010

Asian inspirations

It's me! Your favorite fatty :S

Anywho, So much to say!

Last week I got my license, so I now drop off my mom to work in downtown and then drive to school. I love it! Way better than waiting on the city bus :/

Then saturday I had to wake up REALLY earl... erm- well early for a saturday :P But I was gonna apply to get my passport because of some plans for this summer that I will explain in a later update. Turned out the place was closed so I went walking around the mall with my parents.

Then later I get a text from.... let's call him Stan. (Stan is the friend I was in college classes last summer and the one that wanted to meet at the movies) Well, he tested and asked if my best friend and I would like to go to the movies. OMFG! Is that boy cute! *Starts day dreaming* (We saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" fyi)

oh... sorry... '^^

To wrap up this spectacular update :P As promised I want to show you all the outfit I'm gonna wear tomorrow at my Junior presentation. (Basically we're becoming seniors type of thing, but I didn't order a class ring, but a bracelet with my graduating year engraved on the inside.)

I love the Asian feel of this dress :)
This pic doesn't show the shoes in all their glory, but it was the best I could do...

Tell me what all you lovelies think of my outfit.

Until next time,

p.s. Lady Gaga is such thinspo for me! Especially in the music video "Telephone"

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Oh! I've been bitten by the optimism bug!

Hello hello,

Well I need do do this fast because I have so much to do before I start school once again tomorrow.

OK, About the movies, The plans fell through because my bff was out of town so we'll do it another time.
This is good because it gives me time to lose needed weight... woot!!

Now, I gotta get my ass in gear! I have a junior presentation at the end of the month and I bought a GORGEOUS asian like dress and BEAUTIFUL black peep toe heals (I should take a picture :D ) Now the dress is just slightly snug and showing some lumps I'd rather disappear. So this is great thinspiration! YAY! 

I was so busy cleaning today, that I was able to avoid eating until dinner, but thankfully we were just having salad (well my mom made corn bread, but i didn't have any.)

So I'm happy with the cals!!!!!

Incase yall haven't noticed, I'm feeling mighty optimistic about all of this. Ana is on my side and I know she'll get me to my goal. AND I'll get my license tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! (hopefully school doesn't kill my mood like it always does...)

Well, update! yall are my friends and I wanna hear what's up with all of you!

Soon to be thin,

Friday, March 19, 2010

"I think we have an emergency!"

Emergency by Paramore
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on.

This is an emergency
So are you listening?

And I can't pretend that I don't see this

it's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
[To talk about it]

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

And you do your best to show me love,
but you don't know what love is.

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

Well I can't pretend that I don't see this

But it's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
[to talk about it?]

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it?

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Ok... So maybe it's not as dire as I think it is, but it feels life stopping to me. (drama queen much?)

Last summer I was in this program to get college credits in psychology and computer. Well, I met this guy... well I slowly began to fall for him. Now I know that I probably have NO chance in hell with him, but he just texted me to ask to go to the movies with me and my best friend tomorrow. 

You wanna know the first thing that pops in my head?
Not "I wonder what movie we'll see."
Not "Oh! It's gonna be so much fun"

No. It's the fact that I'm 5lbs HEAVIER than when he last saw me!

FUCK ME! Is it the fact that I'm trying not to purge? Shit! Maybe I should just keep purging, because I can't stand this.

Plus, since it'll be him, me, and my best friend I'll look HUGE because she is sooo TINY but eats like a fucking horse.

Of course I blurred her to protect her privacy.
I can still love her and envy her at the same time. :P

I don't plan on making him my soul mate, I'm a realist, but I just wished I could have blow him out of the water if I were thinner...

I'm really freaking out! What can I do.

So far, I stayed up really late last night so that I could sleep in and avoid breakfast. I did 20 mins of cardio.
Had a protien shake (120 cals for 23g of protien)
and now I'm gonna do another hour of cardio while watching My Big Fat Diet Show on YouTube. I wish I lived in the UK to get those kinds of shows on TV... stupid Amarican television programing...

Anywho, I'm begging for some HELP!


Monday, March 15, 2010


Woot Woot!!!! SPRING BREAK!

How are all of you my darlin's? I haven't heard form some of you so update! I wanna hear about your lives :)

Well, this morning I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m. to go to the DMV. Stood in line until 8, which is the time that they actually open, but by then the line is HUGE! When I get to the front of the line, I find out I don't have to take a drivers test because I took Drivers ED before the law in Texas was changed.

I'm getting excited. I'm finally going to be able to drive on my own. I LOVE driving! It's very therapeutic for me. I'm not sure why...

Well, then the clerk woman ask, "Are you 18?"
I answer honestly, of course, "No, I'm 17".
Then she says "Well since you are under 18, do you have a VOE (Verification of Enrollment)?"
Being the complete worthless piece of shit dumb ass that I am, I didn't know that I needed one. WHY DO THEY CARE IF I'M IN SCHOOL?!? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRIVING!

She goes, "Oh, well I'll give you a line pass. Do you just go to a school around here?"

When I got home I was so distraught and upset that I got in bed, cut and cried, cried and cut. Then went to bed for another 6ish hours.

I was really just mad at myself for being so stupid. I wish I were dead. I'm so tired of always being disappointed. Anything I want, I never get no matter how fucking hard I work.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Well well well...

To put it in frank words... I FUCKED UP!

I woke up this morning and was really tired, so I figured I could just move my workout to tonight (which I'm going to do after this update. See how much I love yall?)
Well, since I moved that i figured i'd change my eating for the day. I usually would go all day until about 7pm without eating. I figured I don't want to plateau so I actually ate breakfast thinking that I just won't eat dinner, even things out.

All was well until about 5 when we were giving snacks to the kids I have been helping with. Today there was something special... cupcakes. Once all the children got one, all of the other helpers from my school got one. Finally they offered me one.

Yall KNOW how much of a people pleaser I am. I FUCKING HATE IT. So I got it and ate it. Well I figured I could just work it off tonight. Then on the ride back to campus I start feeling terribly ill. Maybe the frosting was made with animal shortening and since I've been a vegetarian for a year, perhaps I'm intolerant.

I was feeling soooo ill that I just decided, I needed the crap out of me. Not for ascetic reasons, not because I long to be thin... no I have been determined to do it the semi healthy way by eating little and exercising, but I knew my body couldn't handle the cupcake.

So I did purge... yup. 3  weeks of not doing just that... all my effort was flushed away.
I was just thinking today how good I was doing and it must have been by God's grace. naturally I just had to fuck it up.

BUT LADYS AND GENTLEMEN! My day does not end there. Oh no!

When I get home, I really just wanted to chill a little, watch ANTM, workout, shower, then go to bed. I actually ate a few tortilla chips. :( (naught me I know) Well some crap went down and my father basically pissed me off, but I wasn't angry as much as I was really feeling unheard. I went to my room and guess what 2 things I did next.

Just guess...

If you guessed a cutting session and another purging session you scare me because that's exactly what happened.

Now I'm here... informing all of you.

yeah.... This is an awkward ending.

Please tell me how some of you are hanging on?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day one's thoughts

Well this was to be my first day fasting.

I did make it a 26 hour period on water alone.

I know when i used to fast, my whole heart was so ELATED, now it seems like I don't care much for long term fasting. I do enjoy the 24 hour periods though.

I'm not sure what's going on with me emotionally though...

guess I'll just continue this way rather than long term

Just wanted to let you know


Saturday, March 6, 2010


I forgot to mention that I have gotten a formspring.

This means that you can ask me ANYTHING and I won't know who asked. Once you ask, I answer and you just go back to the site to see my response.

Sounds intriguing right?



Time to think

Thoughtful question of the day:
Would a vegan eat animal crackers?

Think about it :P

Sooooooo sorry I have not been updating in a really long time.
I have been very... stressed that I have just needed time to get my mind together.

In school last week and this week we have something called Interim Term. It is two weeks when we don't take our normal courses, but other educational things.

All last week I was in Animal Rescue. I got to go to different animal shelters like a poodle shelter, greyhound shelter, SPCA, ect. It was REALLY fun. I would definitely love to get a greyhound. The only down side of last week was that I actually had to eat lunch, versus being able to sneek to the library during lunch. 4 of the days I just ate a few veggies and maybe a plum, but one day they bought us lunch. We went to Subway :( I was basically forced to eat a veggie delight ON ITALIAN HERB AND CHEESE BREAD! I haven't had bread form there in so freaking long! I was freaking out in my head... and I paid for it on the treadmill...

Well.... This week I don't have to go to school until noon, so they are going to expect that we already have eaten breakfast and lunch. *scoff* Yeah right. I'm thinking about either negative cal fasting or straight water fasting... but haven't quite made up my mind yet. Well just have to wait and see... My "breakfast/lunch" will be working off fat on the treadmill. :P

Hmmmm, we will be doing some gardening and playing with younger kids... I've never passed out and I hope I won't by the end of the week. Oh well.

On a final good note, I have not purged in 3 weeks!!! I'm soooooo proud of myself because I really am trying hard to end the binge and purge cycle.


P.S. Thank you BlAnCh for caring and wondering what has happened to me. I'm fine, just had to take a little me time to process stuff.