My Life's Scrapbook

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Well well well...

To put it in frank words... I FUCKED UP!

I woke up this morning and was really tired, so I figured I could just move my workout to tonight (which I'm going to do after this update. See how much I love yall?)
Well, since I moved that i figured i'd change my eating for the day. I usually would go all day until about 7pm without eating. I figured I don't want to plateau so I actually ate breakfast thinking that I just won't eat dinner, even things out.

All was well until about 5 when we were giving snacks to the kids I have been helping with. Today there was something special... cupcakes. Once all the children got one, all of the other helpers from my school got one. Finally they offered me one.

Yall KNOW how much of a people pleaser I am. I FUCKING HATE IT. So I got it and ate it. Well I figured I could just work it off tonight. Then on the ride back to campus I start feeling terribly ill. Maybe the frosting was made with animal shortening and since I've been a vegetarian for a year, perhaps I'm intolerant.

I was feeling soooo ill that I just decided, I needed the crap out of me. Not for ascetic reasons, not because I long to be thin... no I have been determined to do it the semi healthy way by eating little and exercising, but I knew my body couldn't handle the cupcake.

So I did purge... yup. 3  weeks of not doing just that... all my effort was flushed away.
I was just thinking today how good I was doing and it must have been by God's grace. naturally I just had to fuck it up.

BUT LADYS AND GENTLEMEN! My day does not end there. Oh no!

When I get home, I really just wanted to chill a little, watch ANTM, workout, shower, then go to bed. I actually ate a few tortilla chips. :( (naught me I know) Well some crap went down and my father basically pissed me off, but I wasn't angry as much as I was really feeling unheard. I went to my room and guess what 2 things I did next.

Just guess...

If you guessed a cutting session and another purging session you scare me because that's exactly what happened.

Now I'm here... informing all of you.

yeah.... This is an awkward ending.

Please tell me how some of you are hanging on?


Charlie said...

Oh my goodness, I feel awful that you went through this today.
I don't really know what to say, because I'm awful at comforting people, but hang in there. We all love you. :]

InvisibleDisorderedOne said...

It's fine.
The fact that you even read my blog and it's not just lost in the internet is comforting.

Perfecting my Emptiness said...

i am so sorry i couldn't be there for you:(so sorry...
You know what, it is quite funny, whenever i feel like crap, you do too:)) there is not room for laughing in here but well...screw everything but blogger ville:)
I also had a cutting session plus laxatives overdose...feeling quite like crap:)
There is room for better:*trust me:)
"Love is in our scars and bones"
i am here with you:*