My Life's Scrapbook

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Small yet still there.

OMG! It feels so great to be working out A LOT once again. I've been doing mostly Tae Bo videos on YouTube (for me it burns about 670 cals in 50 minutes).

Today was super fun though. I played the new game Dance Central at my bff's house. SUCH A WORKOUT! You are legitimately dancing and start sweating. I probably played for about 3 hours!!! and it was fun with good music so I didn't mind that I was really working-out.

Also I've noticed that I'm less tempted to binge because I'm working-out. YAY!

Now I'm starting to feel sore after all that dancing. I might have to take tomorrow off form cardio. Oh, well.

Merry Christmas Eve,
- Vizzy

Sunday, December 19, 2010

When I grow up...

I wanna be pretty.

I'm working on that one at the moment.

Well I'm on break FINALLY! So that means more time to workout! Yay!

OK. My life is boring other than that :S Just trying to survive as usual.

These are a few images I have been loving. (I have a whole folder on my computer dedicated to thinspo. The are all just so lovely)

I love this one ^ also because of the necklace. hehehe.

Ok. I'm acting very strange and giddy. I need to workout for an hour, and then go to bed.

Ta ta for now,

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ode to thy royal chocolate Snicker

Snickers Candy Bar, 2.07-Ounce Package (Pack of 48)
Oh, you deceptive thing, you.
So small, and "fun" you say,
but your consequences are never that way.
They fill you with sugar, fats, and death;
yet American's still can't get enough of you yet.
You were forced upon me when company was around
Fuck you, you chocolaty nugaty mound!

Finals week. And I ate a shit load of "fun" size snickers 'cause my sister brought the damned things in the house and offered me some.


Note to self: Misty, grow some fucking balls and learn how to say NO! ugh. Will I ever learn?


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fallout Review

I forgot to link my review on the novel Fallout by Ellen Hopkins here.

Please be sure to read some of Ellen Hopkins' books! She tackles all the tough topics that most authors shy away from like suicide, self injury, eating disorders, prostitution ect.

Until next time,

Friday, December 3, 2010

Patty cake

You NEED to watch this!

You will laugh you ass off!

Look forward to my review of Fallout by Ellen Hopkins with in this weekend!!!!


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Different Now

This is a poem that I wrote.... 3 years ago (damn I'm getting old :P) It was actually for school, and I'm pretty sure my teacher never looked at me the same afterward....

Different Now

She was tired, says the bed left undone.
Frustrated, says the countless hair products
Strewn next to the detangling brush.
Ready to give up, says the school books 
On the carpeted floor, soft and blue like the sea.
Ready to get away to another world, says the novels
About made up people like her,
But with different situations than she.
Some worse and made her weep, says the salt water left on the pages
Some better that she envies, says the scratched out names 
Of characters, replaced with her own

Happy says the smile on her face 
In the family holiday portrait, but what about her eyes?
Well I can see they tell a different story. 
A story that has never been told.
A story about her, kept under lock and key,
Held captive by her own hurting heart 
To protect her. 

She’s not like she once was says the hidden 
Journal beneath her mattress, where nobody
Could unleash its many aches.
She wishes for someone she could confide in,
Says the tears that lulled her to sleep last night,
Still leaving her pillow moist.

Something’s wrong…

She’s different now


Monday, November 8, 2010

The simple letters...

A B C...

I'm fed up. I skipped school because I've been feeling so fucked up, depressed, fat ect.

I'm doing the ABC. I tried last year, but failed on day 5 because I went to a birthday party and obviously didn't meet the number of cals.

I need you all to keep me accountable.
I'm just telling you all because I know I will feel like more of a piece of shit if you all know I fail.

Here goes nothing.


Saturday, November 6, 2010


Should I crawl out of this whole I have been stuck in?


Ok, so about 2 weeks ago i resolved to lose the weight I had gained since the beginning of this school year. It went well and lost about 6lbs in a week :) (I must admit that I was happy about that)

Then I started bloating this week (probably just hormones, but my fucked up mind won't accept that). Also I started having this insatiable hunger and had less time to work out. To make matters worse, the batteries on the scale are dead so I have NO clue what I weigh which is making me really anxious, depressed and just fed up with life.

Meh. I'm tired of complaining.

I finished the Hunger Games a while ago. It truly is a good book. I love how I could imaging the scenes like a movie in my head.

Read it! I deamand you... ok ok, I ask you nicely to read it. :)

Now I'm reading Catching Fire, which is the second book of the Hunger Games series.

Let me just say, I think Peeta is such a whimp. Jeeezee. He needs to man up, and stop whining.

He's got nothing on Gale if you ask me ;D

Well I'm gonna knit some baby hats and watch Criminal Minds.

Hope yall's weekend is going well.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Life sucks.

The end.

Ask me questions though. it is anonymous and I need distractions.

p.s. I'm reading The Hunger Games

And with some birthday money I finally bought Fallout by Ellen Hopkins. (She's my favorite author F.Y.I.)

I'll put up a review soon. Sorry to be a bitch, but my bulimia is here and stronger than ever. I'm fatter than I have been in a LONG time, so I hope you can all understand why I can't quite deal with updating on life.


Sunday, September 26, 2010


You need to buy/ rent / borrow and read this book!!!!!

It is really good :)

I'm kinda feeling like a complete bloated, lazy ass and don't feel like typing up some long review....

Lucky for you, lovely's, I made a video and put the review on youtube. HOWEVER! I was tired, my hair was orange from my school pep rally (the class color for us is orang), and my hair was just a mess period. Oh... and I got off of topic once or twice. Oh well... that's what coffee does to me sometimes XD

Go watch...

Monday, September 20, 2010

Ever been beaten?

Ok, ok. Weird enough question right. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. Maybe it was physical, or maybe it was mental.

I'm suffering from the later of the two and it's fucking killing me.

School certainly does know how to rip you open, snatch your soul and rip it into a million irreparable pieces. For me it hasn't happened all at once. No one major event, but rather, constant little ones that just build up.

Nothing i do is good enough. My grades are dropping. For example I have an 80 right now in spanish. I'M FUCKING HALF MEXICAN! I did poorly on the last quiz simply cause I did not even finish reading the sentences. I just conjugated a random word.

Also this morning was kind of bad. I was driving to school, about to get there when my sister text me to tell me she forgot her gym bag in the car. I had to go back and take it to her. This caused ME to be late. I'M FUCKING PAYING THE PRICE FOR HER STUPIDITY! It's infuriating. I kept hitting my leg with my phone cause obviously one can't cut and drive at the same time.

Now I'm not one to bruise easily AT ALL, but I actually have a bruise from hitting myself. That should give you an idea of that....

*ugh* Now I'm in a numbness. I really feel like just giving up. I've been mentally beaten by school, family, the scale, ect. so many times. I'm tired of having to get up after being pushed down constantly. I'm sick of it

Giving up by Ingrid Michaelson
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

Monday, September 13, 2010

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!

Hello mates! Welcome the U.S.S. Crazy :P

Well, sorry I haven't updated in forever but you know how it is. Schools a bitch and takes up all my time :S

Well I just wanted to tell yall about something excited I'm going to embark on (hence the sea reference at the beginning.)

As you all know I have been and am currently a lacto- ovo vegetarian for over a year now. This means that I eat no actual animal flesh, but do eat eggs and dairy. I absolutely LOVE it, but it's time I make a change. I'm ready for the next step. I am going to become a vegan.

Becoming a vegetarian was easy for me (over night change) because my father is one so I always saw what he ate and we had the proper ingredients in our home. But since I'm going to be the only one going vegan in my house, it's going to be a bit more challenging.

I won't attempt to do this over night. Right now my goal is to eat 50% vegan 50% vegetarian. This leaves me a TON of wiggle room incase my only options are from an animal.
For example, a lot of times since I rush out of the house and can't pack a virtually cal free salad like I would like, I buy this protien bar at my school.

It taste great, it fills me up, AND it give me 30g of protein; however, it has things such as whey (a protein from cow's milk) in it.

I'm going to see if I can find some cheap and low cal vegan options. Like this possibly:

I'll also be drinking but loads of green smoothies in the mornings and such. Basically just thriving on the low calorie healthiness nature has given us.

Maybe I'm just a big hippie, but I'm really excited to go into this new lifestyle because I really hope it helps me to stop bingeing cause no one likes that.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Keep on keeping on.

Ok. After yesterdays monsterness of a binge, and first time purging in a while, I'm taking the reins back!

It's my life and I refuse to give my control to the need to binge and purge! Starting to apply for college is already stressful enough, I don't need more stress.

So today, I'm starting to lower my cals. I had 700 today and I'm gonna workout while watching tv soon.

Just wanted to let yall know this.


p.s. Peridot (G+P), thank you so much on that tip for reading. I'll definitely be trying that this school year. But do you just have a book on a desk? Basically  what I want to know is, will it hurt my neck to be looking down while walking in place?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Oh Habits Die Hard!

Oh boy, I wish the habits would just crash, burn and DIE!

Ugh. So ever since I've been back it seems like my fullness meter is broken. I haven't been able to restrict the way I was in Mexico. PLUS I don't walk as much because I've been having to catch up on all my school work. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I know the scale says I've put on weight which is really triggering me. Yeasterday I was barely able to escape the need to purge, but after 12 weeks of being free.... I purged as soon as soon as my family left. I just couldn't handle it.

I'm so sorry that I have let you all down.
I need you all more than ever, I don't want to go back into bulimia.

I need to go and to some exercise videos and try to get rid of this weigh before wednesday.


this is the goal I need to keep in mind.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Nasty Pics

Ok. I'm about to do the unthinkable.

I'm going to post pic of myself!
If you are weak of stomach, please go no further.


The first is me at one of my higher weights. Probably 240-260lbs


Here is where I'm at now. As of this afternoon I'm 161lbs. Not satisfied, but it's where i am.

Ugh. I must be really tired or just out of it to put this nastyness up. :/

Until later,

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Yo yo yo, what up!


Oh how I hve so much to tell you all.

Basically I really want to talk about me going out dancing if you all don't mind. Trust me, it's juicy if you know the type of person I am.

Well the first 2 weekends that Robert (math teacher, he's a college senior), Giselle (Language arts and English teacher) and my bff Maya (Giselle's intern) went out clubbing, I didn't go out. I just didn't want to have to pay a cover to get in just to dance. The purpose of the cover is that if you drink it's open bar... but I don't.

Anywho, the next week end it was just us girls cause Robert was tired. We went to the club that they had been going to because Maya is very "popular" there (She was in a wet t-shirt concert) and I got in free. 

After dancing for about 5 minutes, I was aproached by an attractive man. We talked while we danced. His 24 and lives in Acapulco. I thought it was funny that he thought I would be weirded out of his age because I told him my real age, 17. We danced for a long while and grinded. Super fun!

Later another guy grinded between me and Giselle. XD That was... interesting but fun too!

The next thursday it was just us girls again. This night was... interesting in a bad way. We went somewhere, we met a nice couple that invited us to dance. When we got to the second place, some random creepy guy invited himself from the first place. Well he tried to get me and Giselle to dance with him. At one point a salsa song came on. I didn't want to dance but he pulled me to dance with him. I was just trying to be polite. His hand slipped on to my butt once, but I let it go thinking it was just an accident. Then he puts his hand on my butt and squeezed it and said "you have a nice butt". That shocked me, and I was looking for Giselle to save me (we made a pact to help the the other) but she was in the restroom. Then when he turned me, he stops. Then he told me "Oh, I forgot what I was doing for a minute because I was looking at your chest." Ugh! Basically Giselle finally saved me the couple we met, that guy asked him to leave and everything was ok. 

Then friday was our last night. We were out dancing the whole night away. Just a little more of the same, grinding w 2 cute guys :)

Now your probably thinking: "Why the hell does she think this is interesting?"
Please give me a minute to explain myself. 

You all know that I have been fat my ENTIRE life. My highest weight was 260, so attention from guys has never been there. It's not like my self esteem is here. To be honest I had never even danced with a guy until this trip. YEA! I still think I look like shit, but the fact that I could GRIND with a guy is a huge improvement for me.

Oh! and if you remember that I had been saying that I knew that I was losing weight baised on my clothes. When I weighed myself last night, I was 165. So I lost 10lbs on the trip. I was really hoping I would lose more, but at least I lost something rather than gaining weigh like everyone else on the trip.

Ahhhh. Now that I'll be getting my check on wednesday, I really wanna buy myself this:

What do yall think? Does anyone have an opinion on e-Readers?

Any whozle :P

I won't take up any more time.

Until later,

p.s. I want to make a shout out to "Bya". Thank you so much for reading my blog. It means so much to have people that are supportive me while I'm here for yall too.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Spaghetti monster!!!!

Hello out there... out there... out there.

Hehehehe. There's an echo in here :P

I'm still in lovely Acapulco teaching this children physics. Most of the grades on the first test were amazing! Only 4 out of 14 did poorly.

I'm still being my usual thrifty self. Yesterday we were supposed to meet "D" at a bar/ restaurant. We couldn't find her so we went to the shopping center accross the street because everyone else was getting hungry.

I decided to not get anything b/c :
1) the night before I had ice cream (I decided to let mysef have ONLY 1 naughty thing a week while I'm down here)
2)I didn't see any good vegetarian meals
3) I wasn't hungry (I had a big apple an hour before we left)

So they all ate some meaty crap (blahhhhh). We meet up with D eventually and she invited us to get "drinks". So we crossed the street once again and got to a bar that made mixed beer drinks. I felt like the odd duck out like usual because I don't drink. Oh well.

I think I figured out the reason why I personally never ever want to drink. A couple of years ago, I was at an uncles wedding when a different uncle pulls me out of my seat and forced me to dance with him. He was drunk. It just felt..... wrong. Like he was getting a little to frisky. I think it just fucked me up mentally.... *shivers*

ugh. ok. back to today. Since today was a day that the parents bring lunch for everyone, I brought my own pb&j on rick cakes for my lunch. I had that and then was informed that the parent made plain spaghetti and was putting the meat on it once it was served. So basically I could have some.... >_< I can't even remember the last time I had spaghetti but that records broken :( i ate about a half cup serving but I felt like purging SOOOOOOO badly. Then I though of all of yall and how I kept bingeing because of my old purging mentality and I, for lack of better words, kept it all down.

Were supposed to go to the park with the kids today for an hour so I'm definitely gonna be "playing" a lot harder then the rest.

Well I hope to hear from yall soon. So many of yall have not been blogging recently. :(


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

!Viva la mexico!

Bienvenido a Mexico :P (Welcome to Mexico... sort of.)

Sorry to have not posted in so long. I'm down in Mexico and the internet is kinda sucky from i am staying.

I'm down here being the physics teacher/math intern. So that's fun :P I feel kinda sad for the kids cause they have to hear my spanish. i'm not bad (hell, i'm half hispanic), but not perfect at speaking it. I'm just better at understanding it. Damn my refusal to talk when I was younger! :P 

I've been down here for 5 days and let me tell you that trying to eat for me down here is kinda hard.... which is a wonderful thing! Because I'm still a vegetarian, it is the perfect excuse that I tell my "roommates". Plus I'm kinda cheap, so I don't like to go to restaurants to by a 6 dollar vegetarian meal. It's just not worth it. So I just went to the grocery store here and bought plain oatmeal, cinnamon, sugar substitute, granola bars, eggs (i only like to eat the whites b/c it all protein and hardly any cals) cabbage, rice cakes, jelly, peanut butter. 

I had to get the last 3 recently b/c thursdays and tuesdays we have to bring our own lunch. For example, today one of the moms brought lunch for everyone, but it was mainly a meat dish, so I got away with just having lettuce with a little sour cream and cheese.

It's good being a vegetarian :P

I haven't been able to work out other than the occasional secret push-ups in my room. It's ok though. We are staying in a tourist part of Acapulco so there are tons of shops down the main street, but we have to walk EVERYWHERE.

There's no scale but I better be losing weight or I will be pissed off. Every time i look in the mirror I still feel fat though. *sigh* I miss my scale :(


p.s. this is really long. sorry but I just emailed "Perfecting My Emptiness" and it was super detailed so I decided to be lazy and just copy the majority of the message here. XD

Saturday, July 3, 2010


"I ain’t gonna take no shit from no one,
I ain’t gonna take no lip from no one,
You ain’t gonna try to get me to hold on,
It’s golden now,
Why would I slow down?

I can do anything, anything, anything I want,
anything, anything, anything I want,
anything, anything, anything I want,
It’s golden now
Why would I slow down?"

Good song. i LOVE the whole new 3OH!3 album Streets Of Gold. Check it out :)

Ok. Now it's honesty hour! Ugh.

I'm am a fucking FATTY! After a day of bingeing last wednesday I have been eating "normally". I mean like 1000-1700 cals for the past 3 days.


I feel huge bloated and fat. I haven't even weighted myself in nearly a week cause I feel so ashamed.

I need to pull an emergency fast! I'll probably have to detox before i go in to a straight water fast, so if I need to tomorrow, I'll only have veg or fruit. Then it's water, coffee, and tea for as long as I can continue.

How have you all been? Hopefully better than me and becoming even more gorgeous than you already are. :)

Until next time,

P.s. this is just a reminder to help me in supporting To Wrote love On Her Arms by going to the section under my followers. It's on the right. Just do something like a poll for free and To Wrote love On Her Arms will get money. Thanks!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Help me support suicide prevention!!!!!

hey everyone I'm just making this brief.

I've been on social vibe for a while, but I for got about it. I just found out that I could put a little gadget here so yall can help me :)

I'm supporting To Write Love On Her Arms.

If you look right under my followers you will see the gadget. This helps because it gives REAL money to help this cause.

Please help,

Monday, June 28, 2010

Feeling is believing.

Hola todos, a mi blog. :P

Ok, Hello everyone.

Well, the biggest thing i have to say is I SURVIVED SUMMER SCHOOL! Now I can take Photo I & II next year!
I got a 94 in Economics and 88 in American Government. Wooot!!!!
Of course my perfectionism wishes I could have made an A in gov., but hell, it was a history class and I abhor history. So an 88 is ok...... meh


Despite that I survived, last week was tough. I was feeling so FAT. I mean I felt like a behemoth. GARGANTUAN.
I was constantly on the verge of tears. Funny thing is that I had push mowed the lawn that saturday (great workout) so I was actually losing weight. However, i just kept feeling like my scale was lying.

Don't yall just hate feeling this way?

Until next time,

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Hello lovlies,

I know I haven't been hear in FOREVER! I deeply apologize. *Bows*

ok. I'm still fat, big surprise... :/
but good thing is I haven't cut or purged in about 4 weeks! I never thought I could make it that long.

So, I was taking economics to make space for photo I next year. Well I ended up getting a 94. Woop!

Then I had a week off. During this week I got to intern with a group I'm in. I'm interning with the guy who teaches math, my best friend will intern with the girl that teaches language arts. Everyone in the program is there basicly because they are smart, but underprivileged, so the program puts them in private schools. Hense how I'm in the private school I'm in.
Well,  I have fallen in love with those kids! They are so smart and cute. I feel really bad though cause I had to stop for 2 weeks to take American Gov to make room for photo II. That class SUCKS! i have a test every fucking day about 4 chapters :S. So as if my perfectionism isn't only getting annoyed there, but I feel bad that I'm not interning. I don't get to help the math teacher as much as I'd like.

*sigh* You all are probably SOOOOOO confused. Tell me if you don't understand.

Any who, it's time I tell you about my big summer  plan. The reason i'm interning is because I, my bff, the language arts teacher, the math teacher, and the head lady of the program are all going to ACAPULCO, MEXIO next month. There is another section of the group down there, with the same mission of helping underprivileged kids.

I'm really scared about the eating situation. The parents make food lunch for everyone. It'll be really hard to get past that, but I will try my darn hardest. and on thursday nights for dinner were supposed to try new restaurants together :S

but other than that i'm responsible for my food. But I'm still living in an apartment with 2 guys and 2 girls.

Any good advice?


Monday, June 7, 2010

My doctor says I'm fat.

Uh. Ok, well maybe not in those words, but that's how it translated in my fucked up mind.

You all know that because of school I wasn't able to exercise like I did last summer... So I put on ten pounds. Disgusting I KNOW. I FUCKING LIVE WITH IT!
*Deep breath* Ok, well I've shaved off three, but when I went to the doctor he was a fucking prick in saying "Well I've noticed that you've put on 7lbs since your last visit." Then he offered me TIPS. He told me to stop drinking soda because that should save me some calories.

I DON'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DRANK A REAL SODA. He probably doesn't even fucking remember that I'm a vegetarian. (Also he doesn't know about my disorder.) But can you imagine my fucking frustrated yelling going on in my head? I mean REALLY!

I've been depressed, constantly wanting to cut, though I haven't thank God.

*Sigh* That's why I've really been missing, I'm sowwy. I have been keeping up with all of your blogs! Keep me updated!

We have to stick together to keep what sanity we have left.


Sunday, May 30, 2010

Hunger Point Book Review

Hello hello hello....

Sorry there must be an echo in here :P

So how have you all been? I hope you are all doing really well on this fine memorial day weekend.

One thing I feel really great about this last week is what I've done. So you all know how I have been horrible about my exercise during the school year. It's was just awful. I'm even gonna be very honest. Because I wasn't exercising as much as I was last summer, I put on 10 lbs. I KNOW! *sigh*
But I've been scraping off that weight slowly now, but it is so freaking slow. Plus it has been SOOOOOOO fucking hot that running in the garage is like running in hell! But lat thursday I decided to was the car AND push mow the lawn! It took 3 hours but when I calculated the cals burned I was amazed. It was about 1000! Woot! So, start mowing the lawn :P

On a sad note, I think my metabolism is dead. I swear I think it just found a nice dark corner in my body and decided to die!

I've been thinking about shaking things up. Has anyone tried to eat "mini meals" through out the day? because with me I just tend to avoid food and then maybe eat diner so my family won't get suspicious. The last thing is to be found out when I'm still huge :S

So what do you all do? I need something new.

--------- Moving right along to the next topic ---------

I swear I am not a lier! and here is the proof. I HAVE in fact made a review of Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff.... but I made it a video review. The thing is so ashamed of my weight that I feel very hesitant about linking the video here.... I know it's completely stupid for me to think that, especially since yall can't even see my body in the video.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate my brain so much. None the less, you can watch my review here:

Well I guess that's all for now.

Love you all

Friday, May 7, 2010

I could really use a wish right now

"Could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
wish right now
wish right now"

Click the link to buy the song. It's SO worth it.

Now, I really apologize for being such a poop head that has not updated in millions of days.

Please accept this 0 cal piece of imaginary chocolate cake.

Let me start with last week.
I really began to restrict. I loved it! Lost about 6lbs (ran 1-2)

Then this week... well my bodies hormones are stupid.
I was restricting once again, but on wednesday. I BINGED! nearly 2000 cals ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and I didn't even purge :(
My body always does this 1 or 2 days the week before my "monthly visitor"...
Then today when I got home, I ate because I know I'll need protien. then I got a bowl of cereal... then another, then I decided "fuck it! I'm gonna purge" and ate one more bowl of cereal.

Weird but I decide to weigh myself before I purged. When I was all done, I had purged out 3 POUNDS! Wow...

I have a weird question though: Have yall ever realized the order of your vomit? for me it is usually, the first thing I eat, the first thing I purge. But just now, it was the last thing I ate that was the first to come up. Weird.

Now I just have 2 weeks till the end of school.
8 Days until the Blue October concert!!!!!!!


Be sure to buy Hunger Point by clicking the picture, because I will put my review up VERY SOON! Cross my heart :)

Monday, April 19, 2010


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well now my cals are rounded up to 800 because my mom decided to buy ice cream. GAH!

I can't wait to go to college where, hell, I'll be to broke to buy ANY food. Gym memberships are free for students ;)

Well... idk. I feel huge. I really need to exercise like crazy. Anybody got good recommendations of free exercise vids you have found?

I really like the Tea Bo Cardio

This will get you sweating! It's awesome!

Tell me what yall do.

Gotta go.
Until next time,

p.s. Still reading Hunger Point, so review in the near future.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Hello everyone!

Thank you for all of you wonderful comments on my last blog. I really appreciate each one of you with all of my heart.

Now I just read about Amazon working with blogger. This is WONDERFUL! I have been wanting to do review type things on books and movies surrounding the "tougher topics" that others shy away from. (Self Injury, ED's, ect.)

If you didn't already know, I'm going to start reading Hunger Point.
Hunger Point: A Novel

I've seen the movie already so I'll get the review up for both maybe sometime next month.

Well, I must be off to take over the world

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Reality check... BOOM!

Well, Hello.

Let me start off with a story.

There once lived a little girl named Daisy. Daisy just LOVED to pick flowers. Her favorites were roses and sunflowers. One day, her mom told her she could only pick ONE flower to take home. Daisy didn't know what to do. She thought and thought and thought. Finally, she chose a rose and went home.

This is a little metaphor I told my best friend over IM last thursday. She told me something that tore me up.

Do you remember that guy I told you I like? (I'll call him Bob) Well, he's a senior. After the movie, I thought it was kinda funny that he was talking about dances at our school, When we left, and after I dropped my best friend off at her house, I got a text asking if I was still with her. I said no, but I could pass the message on to her. He said it would be weird, and that he would just talk to her on Facebook.

Well, back to thursday night. I was talking to my BFF seeing if she wanted to do to the mall with me and a few other friends. (Reba actually got the guts to ask a guy she likes to the prom... so she wanted to look for a dress.) Well my bff... i'll call her Rose from now on kept telling me and telling me that I should ask Bob. I told her no, because honestly I just don't do things like that. I have no balls. :( Well, i later found out that Bob asked Rose to HIS senior prom.

Rose really doesn't like him the way I do, she thinks of him as a friend, but I've never told her how I feel. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel a huge black hole just form inside my chest. I felt so empty.

She just kept saying I should ask him to my prom, but really? So I told her the story that I said above.

Daisy = Bob
rose's = Rose
sunflower's = Me

He had the chance to pick anyone, but he picked her. Obviously he doesn't like me. He felt he could live the rest of his life without me....... I mean, who wouldn't want to pick Rose. She's skinny, pretty ect. and here I am Fat, dysfunctional... Even though I've lost all this weight I'm still her "Fat best friend". I'll never be good enough.

That night I cut, gave up on any chance of love for me, and went to the mall the next day to look for prom dresses for Rose and Reba.

That broke my cut-free streke of 2 weeks, Oh well.

Then yesterday, I had to go over to a cousins birthday party, didn't eat at first, but then decided to fuck it and had some potato salad, rice, and a little bit of nachos. Then i went to the restroom and purged.

Today was ok, until about an hour ago when I made some brownies for my father. I ate some... then had a bowl of cereal and purged all of that out. Ugh... I feel the acid killing my stomach lining.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE! I'm so tired of living this lie. I'm fat and ugly and I doubt life will ever get better.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Asian inspirations

It's me! Your favorite fatty :S

Anywho, So much to say!

Last week I got my license, so I now drop off my mom to work in downtown and then drive to school. I love it! Way better than waiting on the city bus :/

Then saturday I had to wake up REALLY earl... erm- well early for a saturday :P But I was gonna apply to get my passport because of some plans for this summer that I will explain in a later update. Turned out the place was closed so I went walking around the mall with my parents.

Then later I get a text from.... let's call him Stan. (Stan is the friend I was in college classes last summer and the one that wanted to meet at the movies) Well, he tested and asked if my best friend and I would like to go to the movies. OMFG! Is that boy cute! *Starts day dreaming* (We saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" fyi)

oh... sorry... '^^

To wrap up this spectacular update :P As promised I want to show you all the outfit I'm gonna wear tomorrow at my Junior presentation. (Basically we're becoming seniors type of thing, but I didn't order a class ring, but a bracelet with my graduating year engraved on the inside.)

I love the Asian feel of this dress :)
This pic doesn't show the shoes in all their glory, but it was the best I could do...

Tell me what all you lovelies think of my outfit.

Until next time,

p.s. Lady Gaga is such thinspo for me! Especially in the music video "Telephone"

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Oh! I've been bitten by the optimism bug!

Hello hello,

Well I need do do this fast because I have so much to do before I start school once again tomorrow.

OK, About the movies, The plans fell through because my bff was out of town so we'll do it another time.
This is good because it gives me time to lose needed weight... woot!!

Now, I gotta get my ass in gear! I have a junior presentation at the end of the month and I bought a GORGEOUS asian like dress and BEAUTIFUL black peep toe heals (I should take a picture :D ) Now the dress is just slightly snug and showing some lumps I'd rather disappear. So this is great thinspiration! YAY! 

I was so busy cleaning today, that I was able to avoid eating until dinner, but thankfully we were just having salad (well my mom made corn bread, but i didn't have any.)

So I'm happy with the cals!!!!!

Incase yall haven't noticed, I'm feeling mighty optimistic about all of this. Ana is on my side and I know she'll get me to my goal. AND I'll get my license tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! (hopefully school doesn't kill my mood like it always does...)

Well, update! yall are my friends and I wanna hear what's up with all of you!

Soon to be thin,

Friday, March 19, 2010

"I think we have an emergency!"

Emergency by Paramore
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on.

This is an emergency
So are you listening?

And I can't pretend that I don't see this

it's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
[To talk about it]

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

And you do your best to show me love,
but you don't know what love is.

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

Well I can't pretend that I don't see this

But it's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
[to talk about it?]

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it?

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Ok... So maybe it's not as dire as I think it is, but it feels life stopping to me. (drama queen much?)

Last summer I was in this program to get college credits in psychology and computer. Well, I met this guy... well I slowly began to fall for him. Now I know that I probably have NO chance in hell with him, but he just texted me to ask to go to the movies with me and my best friend tomorrow. 

You wanna know the first thing that pops in my head?
Not "I wonder what movie we'll see."
Not "Oh! It's gonna be so much fun"

No. It's the fact that I'm 5lbs HEAVIER than when he last saw me!

FUCK ME! Is it the fact that I'm trying not to purge? Shit! Maybe I should just keep purging, because I can't stand this.

Plus, since it'll be him, me, and my best friend I'll look HUGE because she is sooo TINY but eats like a fucking horse.

Of course I blurred her to protect her privacy.
I can still love her and envy her at the same time. :P

I don't plan on making him my soul mate, I'm a realist, but I just wished I could have blow him out of the water if I were thinner...

I'm really freaking out! What can I do.

So far, I stayed up really late last night so that I could sleep in and avoid breakfast. I did 20 mins of cardio.
Had a protien shake (120 cals for 23g of protien)
and now I'm gonna do another hour of cardio while watching My Big Fat Diet Show on YouTube. I wish I lived in the UK to get those kinds of shows on TV... stupid Amarican television programing...

Anywho, I'm begging for some HELP!