Let me start off with a story.
There once lived a little girl named Daisy. Daisy just LOVED to pick flowers. Her favorites were roses and sunflowers. One day, her mom told her she could only pick ONE flower to take home. Daisy didn't know what to do. She thought and thought and thought. Finally, she chose a rose and went home.
This is a little metaphor I told my best friend over IM last thursday. She told me something that tore me up.
Do you remember that guy I told you I like? (I'll call him Bob) Well, he's a senior. After the movie, I thought it was kinda funny that he was talking about dances at our school, When we left, and after I dropped my best friend off at her house, I got a text asking if I was still with her. I said no, but I could pass the message on to her. He said it would be weird, and that he would just talk to her on Facebook.
Well, back to thursday night. I was talking to my BFF seeing if she wanted to do to the mall with me and a few other friends. (Reba actually got the guts to ask a guy she likes to the prom... so she wanted to look for a dress.) Well my bff... i'll call her Rose from now on kept telling me and telling me that I should ask Bob. I told her no, because honestly I just don't do things like that. I have no balls. :( Well, i later found out that Bob asked Rose to HIS senior prom.
Rose really doesn't like him the way I do, she thinks of him as a friend, but I've never told her how I feel. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel a huge black hole just form inside my chest. I felt so empty.
She just kept saying I should ask him to my prom, but really? So I told her the story that I said above.
Daisy = Bob
rose's = Rose
sunflower's = Me
He had the chance to pick anyone, but he picked her. Obviously he doesn't like me. He felt he could live the rest of his life without me....... I mean, who wouldn't want to pick Rose. She's skinny, pretty ect. and here I am Fat, dysfunctional... Even though I've lost all this weight I'm still her "Fat best friend". I'll never be good enough.
That night I cut, gave up on any chance of love for me, and went to the mall the next day to look for prom dresses for Rose and Reba.
That broke my cut-free streke of 2 weeks, Oh well.
Then yesterday, I had to go over to a cousins birthday party, didn't eat at first, but then decided to fuck it and had some potato salad, rice, and a little bit of nachos. Then i went to the restroom and purged.
Today was ok, until about an hour ago when I made some brownies for my father. I ate some... then had a bowl of cereal and purged all of that out. Ugh... I feel the acid killing my stomach lining.
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE! I'm so tired of living this lie. I'm fat and ugly and I doubt life will ever get better.