My Life's Scrapbook

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Reality check... BOOM!

Well, Hello.

Let me start off with a story.

There once lived a little girl named Daisy. Daisy just LOVED to pick flowers. Her favorites were roses and sunflowers. One day, her mom told her she could only pick ONE flower to take home. Daisy didn't know what to do. She thought and thought and thought. Finally, she chose a rose and went home.

This is a little metaphor I told my best friend over IM last thursday. She told me something that tore me up.

Do you remember that guy I told you I like? (I'll call him Bob) Well, he's a senior. After the movie, I thought it was kinda funny that he was talking about dances at our school, When we left, and after I dropped my best friend off at her house, I got a text asking if I was still with her. I said no, but I could pass the message on to her. He said it would be weird, and that he would just talk to her on Facebook.

Well, back to thursday night. I was talking to my BFF seeing if she wanted to do to the mall with me and a few other friends. (Reba actually got the guts to ask a guy she likes to the prom... so she wanted to look for a dress.) Well my bff... i'll call her Rose from now on kept telling me and telling me that I should ask Bob. I told her no, because honestly I just don't do things like that. I have no balls. :( Well, i later found out that Bob asked Rose to HIS senior prom.

Rose really doesn't like him the way I do, she thinks of him as a friend, but I've never told her how I feel. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel a huge black hole just form inside my chest. I felt so empty.

She just kept saying I should ask him to my prom, but really? So I told her the story that I said above.

Daisy = Bob
rose's = Rose
sunflower's = Me

He had the chance to pick anyone, but he picked her. Obviously he doesn't like me. He felt he could live the rest of his life without me....... I mean, who wouldn't want to pick Rose. She's skinny, pretty ect. and here I am Fat, dysfunctional... Even though I've lost all this weight I'm still her "Fat best friend". I'll never be good enough.

That night I cut, gave up on any chance of love for me, and went to the mall the next day to look for prom dresses for Rose and Reba.

That broke my cut-free streke of 2 weeks, Oh well.

Then yesterday, I had to go over to a cousins birthday party, didn't eat at first, but then decided to fuck it and had some potato salad, rice, and a little bit of nachos. Then i went to the restroom and purged.

Today was ok, until about an hour ago when I made some brownies for my father. I ate some... then had a bowl of cereal and purged all of that out. Ugh... I feel the acid killing my stomach lining.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE! I'm so tired of living this lie. I'm fat and ugly and I doubt life will ever get better.



Charlie said...

Oh, honey. I wish I could say something that would magically make you feel better, but I can't.
Your story about Rose and Bob is basically the story of my entire life, so I completely know how you feel.
I can't promise that life will get better, because all too often it doesn't, as you well know. But I don't know how we could live, without you. :]

Perfecting my Emptiness said...

oh my dear...i wish to take all your pain away with just one touch, but i can't and you know it so well...i don't mean to lie to you, life is bullshit but there are some good things that deserve to be felt and lived...i am sorry for what happened, but there is a reason that Daisy chose Rose and not you, and that reason is that there is a boy for you, that will accept you for who you are with your ED, with your cutting i sound cheesy?i don't care, you have to live at least for us, you make everyone stronger with your weak things.

BlAnCh said...

yeah i really wanna get into running again. when i was younger i thrived off it and now i cant stand it... sucks, i dno what happened... btw, im doing the same, just trying to not binnge kinda thing... starving would be nice though... i miss it :P

BlAnCh said...

and as an actual comment to this post:
I just hope this doesn't last. and this feeling ebbs. Don't give up hope. It must be so awful feeling that way. And noone SHOULD ever have to feel that way, but you are different and you pay a price quite horribly. Sometimes I think life wont get better, but that's why i'm here and that's why you're here. Because together life is less painful and hope is less illusive. Love you, just hold on.