My Life's Scrapbook

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Awake for 24+ hours

I haven't been able to sleep at all.

Last night after downloading all of Maria Mena's songs, I just lied in bed listening to it.
Then When my parents left for work I got on the treadmill for an hour.

God, I just feel guilty for eating. I fucking hate this! I wish I could live with out food (like forever so I couldn't die because I don't eat). I kinda had the urge to purge, but I held strong and just did a workout video on youtube I like.

I really want to just fast, but living with parents doesn't make that easy. :( Also, this saturday I have this luncheon I have to go to. My being a vegetarian will really make it more "normal" why I won't be fucking pigging out like everyone else. It really scares me though. (And I deal with anxiaty by cutting) I did confess to my purging when I just began to my bff, but haven't after that. I don't know if she knows how much it really triggers me. No matter how much I eat, if it isn't lettuce, I'll feel like shit for eating it.

I'm I alone in this struggle?


1 comment:

featherlight said...

Definitely not alone - I feel like that all the time... I also cut as an anxiety release. My last therapist shrugged it off and pointed out that at least it was 'a' coping method (clearly not a useful one, but still). Hope things are going ok for you now.