My Life's Scrapbook

Monday, January 25, 2010

I need eternal sleep

OMFG! Last week and the beginning of this week have been HELL!!!!
I want to blame it on pre-period hunger (during my period I lose my appetite), but i know I'm just a FAIL.
Incase I didn't tale yall, I gained the 2 pounds back that I lost 2 weeks ago! I am so upset :(

I have been bingeing and purging like a fucking maniac. Would have loved to purge all the cake I binged on, but family came over and I wouldn't have had privacy, even in my own room. FML! I mean my dad sent a piece to my grandma that lives near us, and he was like "what has happened to all the cake". At least I didn't eat the whole damned thing. I feel like a pig. What am I supposed to say? It's ok for him to eat a whole 1/2 gallon of strawberry ice cream, but he questions me about cake? UGHHHHH!

Then last saturday I exercised for 2 hours (12-2 a.m.) My legs were about to give out! I hit my wall around 75 mins, but then it seemed like my legs really warmed up and were comfortable with the rest.

Tip: When doing intervals, make a special playlist to starting with a slow song to warm up, than up beat (jogging/ running), slow (speed walking), upbeat, slow ect. This way you can really forget about how much more time you have left. Just make the playlist as long as you want your workout to last. (Oh! Try adding 2-3 upbeat songs in a row!)
<= Look it's me!

Sorry this is so spastic, but I'm tired, I have not worked out, I feel like a cow (just call me Elsie), and I have papers to write, I probably have gained more,  I have scholarship applications to fill out, and I want to cut...

Anyone want to trade lives?



BlAnCh said...

hope the urge to cut dulls... if it doesn't i hope you feel better quickly and don't have to go too deep
love- stay strong, go amid the haste of your real world with a calm and assertive mindset, dedicated to you goal and desires.

that crazy chick said...

Aww... I'm sorry. Don't cut, it's not worth it. Tomorrow is a new day.

Perfecting my Emptiness said...

ok, i know about the family thing, i know how it is, this is how my mom acts. Like she comes home with a very full bag of McDonald and eats it all. Near the end, she asks if i want some. This is a big big trap. Check it out: if i say that i want, she will say that i am so fat, she is even surprised that i can get more food into my stomach; if i say no she begins to asks if i am Ana, MIA or something like that. So it is better that when she eats like a pig i just go to my room:D
Even though everyone seems to agree that cutting doesn't fix it, and it harms us, i support you because i know how it is, the high that comes after you cut, it is unique and nothing can replace it maybe drugs, but i don't wanna try.
So....Love is on our scars.
For me it is like a REVENGE for everything she or someone else says. It is my way of saying FUCK YOU(not you, in you, but the one who annoys me, so not you""InvisibleDisorderedOne) to everyone who is stupid, rude or just damn fat:D.
So i truly and honestly understand you, even the purging, today was the birthday of a close family friend, she couldn't stay longer so she gave us some cake, and everyone was watching me intently(especially mom) so i had to put that disgusting piece of shit(it is just for power, it tasted really yummy, damn it), and after my folks left, i was all over the toilet.
So, "InvisibleDisorderedOne"........I UNDERSTAND YOU.
Love is in your scars and be careful with the working out, sometimes it can be painful.
Kisses and hugs

InvisibleDisorderedOne said...

Thanks everyone. I did not cut. I was just so tired that my brain choose to fall asleep intend so yay I guess?