Sunday, January 10, 2010
Ever notice that in accomplishments you still feel like you fail?
I have been participating in the "SparkTeens Official Spark Your Body Bootcamp" for a week now. It has 5 days of 30 min cardio plus some sort of strength training everyday. I was pretty consistent with the exception of the last three days (FAIL), but I am down 5 holiday pounds in one week!!!! This leaves me at a whopping total of *drumroll to build suspense* 163 lbs.*Wah wahh waaaaaaahhhh*
Why yes... I am a fat anorexic/bulimic :(
Even though I was over joyed for about 30 minutes, the rest of the day has sucked. i've talked to 2 ana buddies and cheer me on, but i almost feel that by this time next week I won't have lost anything. I don't know why, I just do.
Anywho, last night my friend invited me to watch "Youth in Revolt". (p.s. I suggest just seeing it with friends like I did, cause if your parents are there it will be very awkward.) There is one scene where the main character sneaks in to his girlfriends boarding school. He goes to the restroom and the next thing you know... there are the vomiting sounds.Basically this girl rats him out... and you can watch the movie for the rest.
Boy, let me tell you did I get tense! Granted I haven't purged in 14 days, I was sitting by the ONLY person that I have EVER told about my purging. (It was when I had just started and I was kinda freaked out.) We have never talked about it since that day, but at that moment, I felt that she had still not forgotten.
I don't know if she thinks I still purge or not, part of me wants her to and the other part doesn't. Somehow this tiny voice of reason and health is hanging on and wants me to recover... but the other part always win with things like "You'll get fat(ter)", "you could never do it", "No one will believe you have an ED since your so fat" ect.
These were just my thoughts after seeing the movie. All in all, it was pretty funny XD.
p.s. I want to thank all of you who follow me and ESPECIALLY those who comment. like I said earlier i was feeling kind of shitty, but then I realized that I had been getting comments all this time. (I epically fail!). I had just been waiting and waiting for email notifications that never came. :( But now I know the truth, so THANK YOU!
Posted by InvisibleDisorderedOne at 5:32 PM