Different Now

This is a poem that I wrote.... 3 years ago (damn I'm getting old :P) It was actually for school, and I'm pretty sure my teacher never looked at me the same afterward....

Different Now

She was tired, says the bed left undone.

Frustrated, says the countless hair products

Strewn next to the detangling brush.

Ready to give up, says the school books 

On the carpeted floor, soft and blue like the sea.

Ready to get away to another world, says the novels

About made up people like her,

But with different situations than she.

Some worse and made her weep, says the salt water left on the pages

Some better that she envies, says the scratched out names 

Of characters, replaced with her own

Happy says the smile on her face 

In the family holiday portrait, but what about her eyes?

Well I can see they tell a different story. 

A story that has never been told.

A story about her, kept under lock and key,

Held captive by her own hurting heart 

To protect her. 

She’s not like she once was says the hidden 

Journal beneath her mattress, where nobody

Could unleash its many aches.

She wishes for someone she could confide in,

Says the tears that lulled her to sleep last night,

Still leaving her pillow moist.

Something’s wrong…

She’s different now

                                -Vizzy

The simple letters...

A B C...

I'm fed up. I skipped school because I've been feeling so fucked up, depressed, fat ect.

I'm doing the ABC. I tried last year, but failed on day 5 because I went to a birthday party and obviously didn't meet the number of cals.

I need you all to keep me accountable.
I'm just telling you all because I know I will feel like more of a piece of shit if you all know I fail.

Here goes nothing.

-Vizzy

Hole

Should I crawl out of this whole I have been stuck in?

Ugh.

Ok, so about 2 weeks ago i resolved to lose the weight I had gained since the beginning of this school year. It went well and lost about 6lbs in a week :) (I must admit that I was happy about that)

Then I started bloating this week (probably just hormones, but my fucked up mind won't accept that). Also I started having this insatiable hunger and had less time to work out. To make matters worse, the batteries on the scale are dead so I have NO clue what I weigh which is making me really anxious, depressed and just fed up with life.

Meh. I'm tired of complaining.



I finished the Hunger Games a while ago. It truly is a good book. I love how I could imaging the scenes like a movie in my head.

Read it! I deamand you... ok ok, I ask you nicely to read it. :)




Now I'm reading Catching Fire, which is the second book of the Hunger Games series.

Let me just say, I think Peeta is such a whimp. Jeeezee. He needs to man up, and stop whining.

He's got nothing on Gale if you ask me ;D




Well I'm gonna knit some baby hats and watch Criminal Minds.

Hope yall's weekend is going well.
-Vizzy

Life sucks.

The end.


Ask me questions though. it is anonymous and I need distractions.
http://formspring.me/VizzyOne

p.s. I'm reading The Hunger Games














And with some birthday money I finally bought Fallout by Ellen Hopkins. (She's my favorite author F.Y.I.)
















I'll put up a review soon. Sorry to be a bitch, but my bulimia is here and stronger than ever. I'm fatter than I have been in a LONG time, so I hope you can all understand why I can't quite deal with updating on life.

-Vizzy

Perfect

You need to buy/ rent / borrow and read this book!!!!!



It is really good :)


I'm kinda feeling like a complete bloated, lazy ass and don't feel like typing up some long review....


Lucky for you, lovely's, I made a video and put the review on youtube. HOWEVER! I was tired, my hair was orange from my school pep rally (the class color for us is orang), and my hair was just a mess period. Oh... and I got off of topic once or twice. Oh well... that's what coffee does to me sometimes XD

Go watch...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frKnOGB2kI4

Ever been beaten?

Ok, ok. Weird enough question right. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. Maybe it was physical, or maybe it was mental.

I'm suffering from the later of the two and it's fucking killing me.

School certainly does know how to rip you open, snatch your soul and rip it into a million irreparable pieces. For me it hasn't happened all at once. No one major event, but rather, constant little ones that just build up.

Nothing i do is good enough. My grades are dropping. For example I have an 80 right now in spanish. I'M FUCKING HALF MEXICAN! I did poorly on the last quiz simply cause I did not even finish reading the sentences. I just conjugated a random word.

Also this morning was kind of bad. I was driving to school, about to get there when my sister text me to tell me she forgot her gym bag in the car. I had to go back and take it to her. This caused ME to be late. I'M FUCKING PAYING THE PRICE FOR HER STUPIDITY! It's infuriating. I kept hitting my leg with my phone cause obviously one can't cut and drive at the same time.

Now I'm not one to bruise easily AT ALL, but I actually have a bruise from hitting myself. That should give you an idea of that....

*ugh* Now I'm in a numbness. I really feel like just giving up. I've been mentally beaten by school, family, the scale, ect. so many times. I'm tired of having to get up after being pushed down constantly. I'm sick of it

Giving up by Ingrid Michaelson
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!

Hello mates! Welcome the U.S.S. Crazy :P

Well, sorry I haven't updated in forever but you know how it is. Schools a bitch and takes up all my time :S

Well I just wanted to tell yall about something excited I'm going to embark on (hence the sea reference at the beginning.)

As you all know I have been and am currently a lacto- ovo vegetarian for over a year now. This means that I eat no actual animal flesh, but do eat eggs and dairy. I absolutely LOVE it, but it's time I make a change. I'm ready for the next step. I am going to become a vegan.


Becoming a vegetarian was easy for me (over night change) because my father is one so I always saw what he ate and we had the proper ingredients in our home. But since I'm going to be the only one going vegan in my house, it's going to be a bit more challenging.

I won't attempt to do this over night. Right now my goal is to eat 50% vegan 50% vegetarian. This leaves me a TON of wiggle room incase my only options are from an animal.
For example, a lot of times since I rush out of the house and can't pack a virtually cal free salad like I would like, I buy this protien bar at my school.





It taste great, it fills me up, AND it give me 30g of protein; however, it has things such as whey (a protein from cow's milk) in it.







I'm going to see if I can find some cheap and low cal vegan options. Like this possibly:




I'll also be drinking but loads of green smoothies in the mornings and such. Basically just thriving on the low calorie healthiness nature has given us.

Maybe I'm just a big hippie, but I'm really excited to go into this new lifestyle because I really hope it helps me to stop bingeing cause no one likes that.

Keep on keeping on.

Ok. After yesterdays monsterness of a binge, and first time purging in a while, I'm taking the reins back!

It's my life and I refuse to give my control to the need to binge and purge! Starting to apply for college is already stressful enough, I don't need more stress.

So today, I'm starting to lower my cals. I had 700 today and I'm gonna workout while watching tv soon.

Just wanted to let yall know this.

-Vizzy

p.s. Peridot (G+P), thank you so much on that tip for reading. I'll definitely be trying that this school year. But do you just have a book on a desk? Basically  what I want to know is, will it hurt my neck to be looking down while walking in place?

Oh Habits Die Hard!

Oh boy, I wish the habits would just crash, burn and DIE!

Ugh. So ever since I've been back it seems like my fullness meter is broken. I haven't been able to restrict the way I was in Mexico. PLUS I don't walk as much because I've been having to catch up on all my school work. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I know the scale says I've put on weight which is really triggering me. Yeasterday I was barely able to escape the need to purge, but after 12 weeks of being free.... I purged as soon as soon as my family left. I just couldn't handle it.

I'm so sorry that I have let you all down.
I need you all more than ever, I don't want to go back into bulimia.

I need to go and to some exercise videos and try to get rid of this weigh before wednesday.

-Vizzy

this is the goal I need to keep in mind.

Nasty Pics

Ok. I'm about to do the unthinkable.

I'm going to post pic of myself!
If you are weak of stomach, please go no further.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!














The first is me at one of my higher weights. Probably 240-260lbs

BARF!

Here is where I'm at now. As of this afternoon I'm 161lbs. Not satisfied, but it's where i am.

Ugh. I must be really tired or just out of it to put this nastyness up. :/

Until later,

Vizzy