Heartbreak

Wow... I really... wow.

You could say I'm still in shock. I just found out that one of our own, Della is ending her blog. Her parents discovered her blog, so she has to delete the blog tomorrow.

Della is like my sister. We have so much in common, and it kills me to think i may never read one of her witty puny blogs. A true ray of sunshine here on bloggerville.

And I know that it's complicated

But I'm a loser in love, so baby

Raise a glass to mend

All the broken hearts

Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again

Oh boy you've left me speechless

You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again, 

Oh! friend, you've left me speechless

You've left me speechless, so speechless

To Della,

I love you and will miss you! Please be safe and try to email me if possible. 

*sigh* I really need time to let this soak in. Excuse me if I do not post in awhile. I don't tend to take departs to well. Though, do comment and I will read them and possible reply. I just can't think what the future holds right now... everything is just a hazy shade of winter...

Numb, confused and sad,

-Vizzy

Life's a game and but its not fair,

I break the rules so I don't care,

So i keep doing my own thing,

Walking tall against the rain,

Victory's within the mile,

Almost there don't give up now,

Only thing thats on my mind

is "who's gon run this town tonight?"

- Run this town by Jay-Z ft. Rihanna

So how are all of you ovlies lovelies? (I might just be dyslexic :S)


Well, after being "ok" monday-wednesday, I had this huge binge thursday.
I didn't breakfast like usual, (especially because I knew I was going to have a meeting at school where "lunch was provided"). When I got there I saw that all they had was sandwiches. Since I'm a vegetarian I thought I could get away with eating nothing, but then they made me get chips and cookies. :( From that I just kinda continued the binge at home.


I was so pissed off with myself that I decided that friday I would fast. Unlike my last time, I was SUCCESSFUL! It has been 36 hours. Woot! Woot!


This brings me to the lyrics. Now I remember this song being played during the super bowl. The part I bolded gives me SO much strength, so I posted it to encourage some of you.


We're almost there!
-Vizzy


p.s. I've been chatting with an Ana buddy and she has lost 5lbs with the 2468 diet. I believe the key is calorie variation. That is my goal. rather than binge/purge, my next goal is reasonable calorie variation like the 2468.

Presto! Magic-o!

HeLlO (Anyone else think this annoying when people type like that :P)

I am not dead.

I apologize for my absence. It's just that last week was HELL! I swear, it was horrible.

Quick recap:
Basically sunday I didn't go to bed to work on an english paper outline
middle of week had miscellaneous other work and test to study for.
Thursday I was up late again trying to finish a rough draft for that hellish english paper. (I hate research papers!)

Then when the weekend came around, I was a lazy ass and basiclly did nothing. By the time I was just getting rested and wanting to exercise, it was sunday night, both parents had their cars in the garage so I couldn't run and I had to do homework. FML

on a random note, let me show you how mentally EXHAUSTED I was i binged saturday morning on cereal, and part of me wanted to binge, but the other part won so I didn't :(

but then i purged lunch, but kept down dinner :S (yup... I'm random)

____________________________________________

Omg! Has anyone ever tried to text someone out of the US? I am so confused! I think I have to put some kind of prefix?
Well, it is 3:45 a.m. where "Perfecting My Emptiness" lives, so I'll have to wait to see how that went through.

hmmm... This feels like I'm ending abruptly... sorry

-Vizzy

Well well well

Guess who sucks...

This girl. Congrats. Go eat then purge a cookie.

Well like mentioned before, I stayed at Reba's... had to eat chips at her job (shouldn't we be feeding little kids fruts and veggies for snack... NOT chips?) then I ended up being served cooked potatoes and a quesadilla for dinner....

.....
.........

Well when I woke up in the morning, the torture didn't end! Reba was like "there is cereal in the pantry". At first I just ignored her, then her mom was telling me, so I got like 1/2 a cup of generic cheerioes with non fat skim milk. (That was a big freaking deal! I hate eating breakfast because I always end up hungry during the day.)
Once we are leaving Reba tells me "Oh, I don't usually eat breakfast cause I don't get hunrgy until 2nd period (our physics class)"

I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo *passes out* oooooooooo pissed off! I had to freaking eat!

Then just like I predicted, guess what happened. Go on and guess.

Yup, Vizzy got hungry real quick. I don't just mean little curling of the stomach... no I got fucking RAVENOUS!  I was so hungry that I ended up eating the lunch that reba's mom made me.... I NEVER EAT LUNCH AT SCHOOL! Then I get home, eat soup, broccoli, few corn tortilla chips, and then chocolate!

*KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*  that's the sound of my scale exploding when i weigh myself.

I feel really disgusting. every time I look down i just see a disgusting gut! 

Gahhhh!

I need to fast, but I need support. I start strong, and when I get home... I end up eating :(

Hmmmm.

Here's my plan.

Thursday Breakfast:
Coffee with splenda and a touch of non fat cream.


Thursday lunch:
Nada (That means nothing for my non-spanish speaking friends)


Thursday Dinner:
Perhaps a medium/ large apple
and a protein shake


If I need a snack, it'll be diet coke!

Yeah... this plan seems amazing! Now I just need SERIOUS support. I need someone that is willing to verbally ABUSING me if it is necessary. I wish I had an ana buddy in real life.

Oh well. I have to finish homework and try to fit in a workout tonight.

I hope all you lovelies are succeeding at what ever you are dooing. Trying to recover or fasting, I love you and support you.

-Vizzy

Why did I jinks it?

When I got home, my mother made me eat, so I had organic tomato soup (80 cals) and some boiled broccoli (30 cals). Then I chewed and spit some cookies... (0 cals) THEN I ate some popcorn (170 cals). Total is about 300 cals! (and I didn't even purge it out... Grrrrrrrrrrrrr) *bangs head on wall repeatedly*

I know, I am a fail who shouldn't even be on this sight. I'm WEAK and PATHETIC! This is not a "woe is me" bitch. I don't deserve your pity or sympathy... I knew I was slipping and I wanted to text my bff... but she doesn't know how deep my addictions lie...

Oh... Still no sleep, and I have to stay with "Reba" tomorrow :(
I'm pretty sure I can't get away with purging over there... I don't know if the "I'm feeling sick" line will work.

*Sigh*
-Fat Vizzy

School Quickie... in the library! :O

*Le gasp* :P

Well I am stressed out of my wits! I have not slept in 26 hours thanks to my english class. Oh joy!

I'm kinda scared to say this, cause if I fail I feel like I will let all of you lovelies down... (Aren't I just making this sound so dramatic... totally unintentional.)

Anywho...

I am fasting *covertly knocks on wood* Tomorrow I have to stay at "Reba's" (not her real name obviously), so that means I will have to try to act "normal" and eat something w/o meat for dinner. I feel really anxious about this, hence this impromptu fast. 

OMG! So the chemistry class had their cookie lab today. F*#&! If I say I don't want a cookie Reba just take that as the freaking answer! Jezzz! She was like "Come on! This cookie is Sooooo huge, I can't eat all of it." Pssssssh BS! If I can eat almost an entire chocolate cake you can handle one fucking cookie. Stop trying to fatten other people up if you feel guilty. (Yes I realize I'm sor of a hypocrite here... hush please. This is my rant!)

That I stay strong,

-"Vizzy"