Utter Regret

I'm sorry for not posting in a while, but i started school 8/19/07. Ugh...

I have been so busy is absolutely fucking ridiculous! I hate that place so much! I swear if I never went to that school I wouldn't be the way I am know. All my "bad habbits"... fuck it I'm gonna be honest. All my disordered ways seem to have sprung up ever since I have been going to that school. It's my own hell on earth.

No I'm not one of those kids that just hate school because of the homework, it's just the HUGE 5 hour a night amount and all the fake people there.

Let me see... I ended up cutting a last week... Purged this past wednesday... binged tonight. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I was doing soooo good today (as in my anorexic side was taking over) then i got home and would not stop fucking eating. Even as I sit here typing I feel huge and disgusting. I abhor everything about me. I have been trying to stop purging (hadn't done it in a 2 weeks before 2 days ago), but when the binge mode shut off in my brain it had already been to long to purge. (God, but I still want to...)

I'm gonna get on the treadmill and pray to God I don't gain weight...

p.s. Before I go I want to mention I finally was able to get Tricks by Ellen Hopkins. She's my favorite author (I have met her twice) and she has written all of my favorite books. I'll tell you how it is.

I pray that yall are in better health,

-InvisibleDisorderedOne

Oh!

Forgot to mention Maria Mena more.

She is so inspirational.

Look at the lyrics to this song yourself...

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

by Maria Mena

Self hatred grows in me like cancer,

I can’t locate its whereabouts but it's feasting on its host.

I expected him to have the answers.

I thought I taught him how to love me;

Now he fears me like a ghost.

Self-fulfilling prophecy,

You’re the only guaranteed loyalty;

In this town,

Full of violent mothers,

Cheating fathers,

Leaving lovers.

I swear to you, I’ll never love again.

This hunger grows inside me like a tumor,

The dizziness just compliments

This failure of a girl.

I’m settled now,

This show of mine consumes me,

But every pound I shed

Speaks volumes of my lack of self control.

Self-fulfilling prophecy,

You’re the only one that dare speak the truth about me;

In this town, with

Well intentioned mothers,

Starving daughters,

Worried lovers.

I swear to you, I’ll never eat again.

[Instrumental]

Self-fulfilling prophecy,

You never fail to comfort me;

In this town, filled with

Violent mothers,

Cheating fathers,

Leaving lovers.

Angry brothers,

Starving daughters,

Starving daughters,

Worried lovers.

I swear to you, I’ll never trust again.

I'll put up more every time I post.

- InvisibleDisorderedOne

Awake for 24+ hours

I haven't been able to sleep at all.

Last night after downloading all of Maria Mena's songs, I just lied in bed listening to it.

Then When my parents left for work I got on the treadmill for an hour.

God, I just feel guilty for eating. I fucking hate this! I wish I could live with out food (like forever so I couldn't die because I don't eat). I kinda had the urge to purge, but I held strong and just did a workout video on youtube I like.

I really want to just fast, but living with parents doesn't make that easy. :( Also, this saturday I have this luncheon I have to go to. My being a vegetarian will really make it more "normal" why I won't be fucking pigging out like everyone else. It really scares me though. (And I deal with anxiaty by cutting) I did confess to my purging when I just began to my bff, but haven't after that. I don't know if she knows how much it really triggers me. No matter how much I eat, if it isn't lettuce, I'll feel like shit for eating it.

I'm I alone in this struggle?

-InvisibleDisorderedOne

8/4/09 1:04 A.M.

...

Still haven't gone to bed... Ugh!

I've just been kind of snacking. Not full out binge mode, but just mindless munch. I fucking hate this.

How is this even possible? I can love food but abhor it with a seething passion.

Does that ever happen to anyone else?

Also I always get an urge to exercise at night. During the day, not so much. Plus it is soooooo hot here. That is still no fucking excuse for my fat ass, but I just... ugh. I just fucking hate my life! I thought things would get better when school let out, but I'm still in this depression, it was just worse then.

I just want to weigh less. I'm tired of always being fat and I'm tired of this damn disorder too.

I just want to get down to my goal weight of 125 and be normal and happy.

Is that to much to ask for?

I'm gonna watch OSnapski's youtube video.

She is an inspiration of hope.

-InvisibleDisorderedOne

8/3/09 Introductions

Hello,

Well this is the first time I have written my own blog. There's something very... releasing about it. Seeing as this is the first installment of "Words from a Sufferer", I should give an introduction.

Hi, *awkward laugh*

I am 16. Like many men and women, I am a self injurer and also have an undiagnosed eating disorder. I started cutting when I was about 14, I think. My school is a very stressful place and I suppose I just learned the wrong way to cope. Now my parents do know that I "used to" cut (My mom confronted me once), but it seems that they think I have stopped. Even when they "talked" to me about it, they just dismissed. We've never been that close, so even with the chance to talk to them, my brain and heart have stopped trying. I've been emotionally hurt too many times that I no longer like to open up to people.

Ok...

Now my food issues. :S

I have always had issues with food. I've been a fat ass ever since I could remember. Fuck, it couldn't have helped that I have no self-esteem either. Well, in about sophomore year, the tides changed between me and food. I began to loath it. I used the food as something I can control when I can't control how many test I have or the amount of homework assigned. Then this year, I went on a vacation during my easter break and had my first binge-purge cycle.

I had been restricting pretty heavily then, and I just walked into my grandmothers kitchen. For some reason she had girl scout cookies (Caramel delights) ((This is strange because there are no girl scouts in Mexico)). I ended up eating all that she had left in the box (about 10 cookies). I felt so disgusted with myself that I went to the restroom and... well you know.

*Exhale and wipes forehead* Wow. You now know even more than my best friend.

I'll keep you updated.

-InvisibleDisorderedOne