Broken

I've been home for about  5 days... and now I've binged and purged.

Fuck gaining weight at college. NO! I lost weight in college, but here I am back home. Fucking weak as I've ever been just binging and purging. My family is just in the living room oblivious to what is hiding in the closet...

I'm a pathetic human being.
I disgust myself.
I hate myself.

 "I am the broken

I am the bruised

I am the poor ones

I have been used"

Moving on and unexpected epiphinanies

I felt that my moment of struggle and stupidity might help someone right now and if it does, than I know that my life is not lived in vain.

So last night after studying a bit for my spanish final (first college final EVER) I decided to watch a movie with some other girls in my suite. We watched some movie that I can't remember the name to, but if you know of "Turnip Head" that is the movie I'm talking about. (Comment to tell me what the name is if you know it) Well during that time I kinda of, sort of, binged.

Ok. So I'm positive it was a binge, and I even knew it when it was happening. Fuck I was so pissed off at myself and I'm still a little irked, but I realized just like I tell others, it has passed.

*30 minutes later*

OMG! I feel so add but I have just been doing some research on a tattoo epiphany that has just hit me. It sprung up from the fact that I binged.

Yes it has passed and that's what I was telling myself when I was on the elliptical for and hour. (I would have been on the elliptical regardless if I binged or not yesterday). It's gone. All I have is today to work to my goal.

I just wanted to let you all know that what ever crap is going on in your life "This too shall pass". You are what you repeatedly do so don't let on or ever a few crappy days to undo all your hard work.

Stand tall.

- Vizzy


p.s. that tattoo epiphany I had is that I want to get "This too shall pass" on my inner foot. I am so excited, but it's turning to winter, so I'm not sure when I can get it done...

Library lockdown

It takes locking myself in the library in order for me to finish a paper. Now I know. I did this last night because as my first trimester in college is winding down the laws of disproportional work load has had an effect once again. All the work seems to have ended up in the last part of the term rather than the middle when I basically had nothing to do but read for class.

Oh well. I just have 3 papers (2 of which are in spanish), and 2 test separating me and my home in Texas. Can't wait to be back in my familiar coolish Texas winters rather than this colder Illinois climate. It's really not that bad, but I'll just have to REALLY  get used to it fast when I get back after break. That's when snow will be covering everything and I'll have to force myself to go out into the snow to go to classes next term :/ (It is possible that that may be the first term where I may or may not skip classes... don't judge me. I haven't had to deal with snow in 15 years.)

Anywho, I'm gonna try to work on these spanish essays then go to my dorm and watch Little Miss Sunshine because it is my favorite movie and will motivate me to finish this term strong.


P.s. went to the gym and feel amazing (I absolutely love regularly going to the gym because I get so many of my aggressions and frustrations out that way which means I've hardly self injured this term Yay! And I can actually start to see the muscle definition in my arms after 10 weeks of pretty consistent strength training along with my cardio.)

Until later,
- Vizzy

Hello there,

Random news, just got some snow boots. I think that means that my feet won't die when it starts snowing here at college. I'll be miserable still... but have warm feet.

You win some and you lose some :/

Well on an exciting note I only have 15 days until I fly home! Only thing stopping me is:

- 1 paper for my mandatory freshman class

- 1 paper, 2 projects for spanish and 1 exam for spanish

- 1 lab, 1 paper, and 1 exam for psychology

SO MUCH! I'll just try to keep the end in mind...

How have all of you been doing? Only a couple have been updating your blogs so TELL ME! "I wanna know! Can you show me?" (can you guess the song reference?)

Any who... I should get some work done.

Until next time,

-Vizzy