To be, or not to be...

So today began normal enough.

Woke up, made a little oatmeal, went to school.

At school everything was normal until about noon. All the teachers were told something, but did not tell us. They were all acting very strange.

After lunch the faculty called us all in to a room to tell us something. It began with a prayer by the head of school and then he broke the news. A sophomore student's father had "suddenly died". (That was his phrasing) We were in there because he wanted to tell us that as a community we are all going to have to be there for her when she gets back.

Now, I don't know her or have ever met her, but I still feel so sorry for her lose; however, you can see that there is nothing connecting us. That was until I found out what "sudden death" meant. I just assumed he had a heart attack or something, but he really committed suicide. I found out from a guy who's father was friends with the decease.

BAM! That really hit me.

I have never attempted to commit suicide, but I have consider it too many times. Sometimes everything is so crippling that it truly seems like one of two options: to be or not to be.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

I hope none of you have ever asked yourselves that question, but I fear I'm not alone. I can only speak from experience, but I know how it feels to be drowning.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to just want all the suffering to end.
I know how it feels to think no one will care when you're gone.

But what I never thought about because I had never experienced it is how that decision "not to be" impacts EVERYONE. Even people you don't know nor have ever met.

Some people cried, some were numb,and some empathized. All in all, this news has changed us all. I never completely thought how my action could potentially bring sadness to those I love and care about. That is never what I intended and I'm sure that girl's father never wanted to sadden his family.

Even in the pit of suffering, we never want pain for others. Just think.

-Vizzy

Ladies and Gentlemen, To the Gas Chambers

ugh.

Only 2 days in and the week is miserable. Getting back to school after a break is tough. I have been sitting there just kind of out of it. Sorry teachers, I'm just ready to graduate.

But I can't just slack of. NO! I have to make A's in my classes to exempt the finals AND I have my AP exams coming up. ugh!

To be honest... I suck at studying... I depend on my natural intelligence (yes ye I know... I'm screwing my self over because I can't do that in college) :(

What's better is all of this stressed mixed with self hatred of my body. PERFECT!

I'll stop all my bitching and moaning now. I just had to get it out or I may go postal at school :/

I'll leave you with this song. I'm living the american dream: go to school, get a job, find a husband, settle down.

in that respect enjoy the sounds of American Dream by Danielle Ate The Sandwich



- Vizzy

You know what...

- sometimes my atelophobia can be to much that everything feels pointless. No matter what I do, it will fucking fail or suck, because let’s face it… it can only be as good as I am.

- sometimes I’m NOT ok, even when I say otherwise. Sometimes it’s ESPECIALLY when I say I am. I don’t feel worth shit, and no one cares. After 18 years that message has reeked its permanent damage.

- when I scream there is only silence

- when I feel unworthy is when I need mental help the most

people discussing your issues

Ok, so today in class we just happened to start talking about Demi Levato. (She is the star that just got out of rehab yesterday.)

Now the issues she went in are speculative, but because of tale tale scars just about everyone knows that she has had some sort of history with self injury.

So they just start talking about how it's so weird and they don't see how it could help or relieve, and I'm sitting on the opposite side of the table with all my bracelets covering scars and brand-spankin'-new cuts.

Is this a sign? The morning right after I cut, people start talking about the topic.

... it's too close for comfort.


-Vizzy

%!&$ you universe!

FUCK YOUTUBE
FUCK CENSORING
FUCK FOOD
FUCK SOCIETY

FUCK IT ALL!

*sigh* I'm sorry. It's just that I was gonna do an intense hour cardio workout on youtube only to find that copyright or some shit has taken it down.

It just seems like the universe is working against me. What did I do wrong? I'm sorry I wasn't aborted before I was born, universe. Now you just fucking torment me and try to keep me fat and hating myself... just awesome.


-Vizzy

run fat girl run.

That's the cheer that was going on in my head today while I was running outside. I usually NEVER run outside because I have a little rule against public-displays-of-perspiration, but the weather has been SO gorgeous here, I just had to get out rather than be a little gerbil on the treadmill in the garage.

I actually went faster than what I do on the treadmill, but it was a push. It's a little more difficult because you are propelling yourself rather than getting assistance from the moving belt of a treadmill.

But, back to the cheer's in my head. I steped on the scale today to weigh in, but to my fucking surprise the damn thing is the same since my 7lbs loss 2/3 weeks ago.

WHAT THE FUCK! I'm doing the ABC and running like a dog. My clothes are getting loser. COME ON, UNIVERSE. Work with me, not against me.

*sigh*

I hope that you are all becoming exactly the beauties yall envision yourselves as.

Until next time,
Vizzy