Believing the unbelievable

Long time no blog.

I would apologize or something, but no one probably cares or reads these. Therefore, I shall just treat this an online diary for me incase I ever want to look back at this day.

I have NOT been doing good. I'm on summer break, about half way through. I am working as a math teacher like I have previous summers. Other than work I have no life. I just stay home and work on lesson plans for the next day.

All that considered, I have been pretty shit recently. I have felt lonely. The thoughts in my head have been evil and on repeat. It's like when I begin to feel the slightest bit better with myself, it all comes crumbling down and I my mind lets me know how stupid it was to even hope. Things are getting so bad that I am the closest I have been to self injuring than I have in the past 2 months.

I think the source of my recent disappointment has to do with a boy. (THIS is why I don't get emotionally invested. THIS is why I can't trust people. THIS!) Okay. Let me explain. Back at school, when I started drinking to deal with shit I went out one night. I danced with a guy, we shall call him E. I had never seen him before and didn't really see him until the next party. I mean literally every party after he managed to find me and ask me to dance. Then we became Facebook friends and began to talk. I was supposed to hangout with him the night before he was leaving, but because of stupid things, I couldn't. However, he called me right before left in his taxi. He called me and we hugged outside of his taxi.

I really had no clue to think of it. I felt that he would think "Wow! What a bitch she didn't hang out with me"; however, the next morning I get a text from him saying "I'm about to board the plane. I'm so glad that I got to see you before I left".

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH THAT?

Now like I said, and I have had only fleeting conversations on FB with him. (Oh, did I forget to mention that he lives in Africa and I'm in the U.S. so there is a 7 hour time difference?) He has mentioned that he wants to hang out with me once we get back to school.

What I want is to get to talk with him more and figure out what the hell his intention is. Is he really interested in me or are my fears correct in knowing that no one would ever want me.

wow... this turned long.... I'll just end it now.

-Vizzy