I'm not dead

Though y'all probably wouldn't know it unless you follow me on tumblr or we talk in other ways.

Oooooo my God! So much has happened to me in the last 3 months at school that it just makes my head spin. First, like usual, I will say that I am a failure blogger for I suck at blogging at a regular pace, but whatever. I do what I can.

I don't want to take up to much of y'all's lives, so I will keep this post short and sweet and up date y'all on the biggest happening of my life.

Sooo, I have a boyfriend. As in my first boyfriend EVER! Took 20 fucking years to reach this point but finally I am here. Y'all remember in my last post how I was kinda interested in Jay? Yea... Well after all the flirting and talking over the summer, I think he just liked the chance. I don't think he ever was interested in more. Whatever. I'm not gonna say that it didn't hurt, but whatever, I can just focus on being his friend now since I had a different guy to be my beau. ^_^

 Now, I met my current boyfriend at a Halloween party. So romantic right? :P anyway. I was pretty drunk after many rum shots so I said yes when he asked me to dance and even kissed him when he leaned in. Later we stepped out cause he wanted my cell phone number. He tried to get me to go to his dorm with him, but NO, I was out with my roommate and had the keys on me. Plus I wasn't gonna  go with this guy that I just met. He just walked me to my door and that was that.

I wasn't expecting anything more to come out of that night, but he surprised me by calling me the next day. Ever since then we had been texting sporadically. Then closer to the end of the term, hung out a few times (watching movies, talking.... Kissing, yes a lot of good kissing) hehehe

Anywho, he had ALWAYS been very honest with me. I mean on that first night we met, he had told me how he is only studying in America for one year, and that he didn't want a relationship. I completely respected that, but I feel like even so, we began getting closer and closer. On the night before I was going to come back home for winter break, I was with friends, but then left to see him. We went to his room to have some privacy since his roommate was already gone. Long story short... That was my first time having sex and it was wonderful. No not just because it was sex and it feels good, but it was honest. No presence, no show, just two people that like each other.

The next morning I had to get my luggage, so he woke me up since he put an alarm on his phone. We headed to my room and he helped me take my stuff.

Since I got home we had just continued to text and IM on Skype. Then one day the conversation turned to the night we were together. He said "I don't want you sleeping with other guys". I had responded  jokingly with "oh are you just trying to keep me all to yourself?" Well we ended up deciding that we were gonna start dating! (And yes he agreed not to be with other girls, so it's not like he was just trying to limit me. No need to hurt him yet for my honor :P)

I am so excited cause I really do like him, just kinda sad that when we officially start dating, I had just flown back home -_- oh well. We have text and Skype to keep us in touch until I get back in December. I'm gonna go back a bit early so I can hangout with him and we are gonna visit Chicago :)

Soooo yea. My life has changed SO much, but I think it's all for the better.


Until next time,
Vizzy

I am not to be picked up -_-

Okay. HEEEEEEELLLLLLLOOOOO! (-Mrs. Doubtfire reference)

Any who... I am back at school.
Here's a quick recap of this weekends events
Friday
-Going away/birthday (for my parents) party with family

Saturday
-Traveled all morning
-Got here saturday afternoon
-went walmart to pick up some stuff that I needed
-ate dinner with my roomates grandparents (they like me ^_^)
-Unpacked a bit
- hung out with Jay the rest of the night (Will explain this more later in the post)

Sunday
-Woke up for brunch
- got the rest of my crap from storage
- fixed up my room
- helped a friend carry all her stuff from storage
- Went to Pumphandle (a school tradition where you end up shaking ever person's hand in the entire school!)
- Watched a movie on the lawn of the school (The Lorax... it's a really good movie :D)

Now that brings us to today. The first day of classes.  I have only had one so far and one more later in the day. If you are wondering I'm taking Health Psychology, Research Statistics (Psychology), and Photography I.

Now... if you wonder where the title of this entry spawned, well that was when I hung out with Jay. Like I said previously, he has been on campus for a while because of soccer practice. After I unpacked one box I decided to hang out with him because we never got that chance last year... casue I'm a failure at things, but all is well now! We walked around campus a bit and then went to his dorm. We ended up watching this weird movie with HORRENDOUS acting, but it was pretty entertaining in how bad it was XD.

Afterward we just started walking around campus again. It was sooo cold. I have been in hot ass Texas for the past three months so I have to get readjusted to the cooler midwest weather. (It probably didn't help that I was wearing a tank top, shorts, and a cardigan... but that's just what I traveled in and didn't bother changing).

We ended up by the soccer field and just sat on the bench. It was funny though how I could tell he was using excuses to touch me. Like he was trying to "keep me warm" with his arms around me, but he is too thin for that to really work XD. (Hence why my friends refer to him as "Lanky"). But he was hugging me and holding my hand. At one point he was hugging me and decided to pick me up. -_- Do I feel comfortable with this? FUCK NO! I'm a fucking fat ass and he is a fucking bean pole! But NOOOOO! He did it any way -_-.

THEN! at another point he wanted me to sit on him. WHY! GOD WHY!!!! I am not small. I know this fact every time I walk past a mirror or scale. I'm trying to start accept my body, but I am not there yet! No but he just pulled me anyway and was hugging me. I just don't know... I guess I just need more time to process everything. I mean I believe I'm at the point where I can admit to myself that I may like him (and if you know me, admitting anything to myself about my feelings is a BIG fucking step!)

Well, I don't know. I suppose just writing out everything will help me process everything.

Until next time
- Vizzy

Doing something I haven't in a while

Oh hello there...  Nice yo see you in this neighborhood. *spring up Mr. Roger's tv show theme music*

Okay. I'll make a list of things that I intend to put here now so that I won't forget anything.
- Me and a gentleman caller
- Weight
- My attempt at recovery


1) Me and the gentleman caller ()
     Okay, I'll start with possibly the thing that most of you couldn't give two fucks about. I respect that, but if you do happen to want to know about my personal attempt at a love life (bahahaha... I am pathetic), then continue with this section.
   
     Well if you don't remember the guy that I told you back in the entry titled DONE! you can go there to get to see how this began a few months ago. Well any who, I think i have forgot to mention, but after he left to go back to Africa for summer vacation we weren't into much contact. I mean we would probably speak through Facebook chat once a week at the most. It was always impromptu but cool never the less. Quite honestly I didn't know what I should be thinking about him. I mean, am I just making most of the interest up in my head, or does he actually have interest in ME?

     Weeeeeelllll, on monday, all the athletes got to go back to my university to begin practicing for 3 weeks before the rest of us just go for classes. Well guess who surprises me with a text when he's back in the states? That's right, that same guy. (this is getting weird to call him "the guy"... I'll give him the fake name of Jay). Yup, so whenever he has free time from soccer practice he text me (so usually it's just for like an hour before he goes to bed).

     Should I be excited? I mean he's already said that we need to hangout and I agree, but it freaks me out. My friends always ask me how I feel about him, and honestly I don't know. I have NEVER felt good enough for anybody, so now having this possibility. It scares the fuck out of me.

well... 2 and a half more weeks until I get on campus and get to see what happens O_O


2 & 3) My weight and recovery (attempts)
     I would love to say that I have lost the last 40lbs that have kept me from my goal weight, but I have not. I have actually been at the same weight since I left school and flew back home for vacation. :/ I have been working out like a mad woman. Running 3 times a week, strength training and pilates on the days that I am not running. My eating has been awesome. Hardly any junk however.....

(this is where the recovery attempt comes in)

I have been at this same weight since my last year of high school (and that was with working out and restricting myself to 300 calories). I truly believe that I have fucked my metabolism up REALLY badly.
Therefor, I have decided that I am SLOWLY upping my calorie intake until it is at a healthy level.

Now, we all know that simply "eating more" will NOT fix my head. TRUST ME IT DOESN'T! It is so hard, but I am slowly trying this. (No one other than yall know about my food issues, so I am going solo on this whole "recovery" thing). I probably need to see a counselor to really get at the depth of my issues, but for now I don't have that. All I have is a recovery workbook online, and my slow calorie increases.

Results? (I started this "recovery" on the beginning of June)

Eating more and doing pilates has really helped me to tone. I have not lost weight on the scale, but I see more muscle that refused to get there before.


So I don't know how this is going to last when I go back to university and have stress and such again, but we will just have to see...


okay... I think that was everything. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to tell me them.
It's 2:30 a.m. so I'm gonna to crash in bed now.

Until next time,
Vizzy

Randomly texting

Good morning sexual...

(I fell very Jenna Marbles-y at 1am)

Anywho, where have I been, home mostly. Just sitting around bored. :/

     Worked finished about 2 weeks ago and since then I have really had NOTHING to do. I have taken to Netflix and occasionally trollin on Omegle. (If you are not familiar with the site, it's like Chat Roulette, but has more emphasis on instant messaging strangers rather than video chatting.)

     On the site I really like to type of the lyrics to Hello by Lionel Richie. It's fun cause most of the time it's just a bunch of horny teen guys. The song reference just goes over their head. Once in a while I will run across someone who gets it and we'll have a really great conversation.

   This brings me to now... I happened to start talking to one random guy on the site. Now we are texting. It's interesting cause I don't know if it is just a thing with guys on this site, or a guy thing in general, but he wanted topless pics of my boobs.

    OOOOHHHHH BOY! He was barking up the wrong tree. I am not the type of woman to do such things. I mean even if I liked my body I wouldn't do such a think. I mean SERIOUSLY!

   I told him this and for some odd reason we are still talking. :/ I can imagine that after a while he will, but whatevs it's a good cure for boredom while it last.

Until next time

- Vizzy

Believing the unbelievable

Long time no blog.

I would apologize or something, but no one probably cares or reads these. Therefore, I shall just treat this an online diary for me incase I ever want to look back at this day.

I have NOT been doing good. I'm on summer break, about half way through. I am working as a math teacher like I have previous summers. Other than work I have no life. I just stay home and work on lesson plans for the next day.

All that considered, I have been pretty shit recently. I have felt lonely. The thoughts in my head have been evil and on repeat. It's like when I begin to feel the slightest bit better with myself, it all comes crumbling down and I my mind lets me know how stupid it was to even hope. Things are getting so bad that I am the closest I have been to self injuring than I have in the past 2 months.

I think the source of my recent disappointment has to do with a boy. (THIS is why I don't get emotionally invested. THIS is why I can't trust people. THIS!) Okay. Let me explain. Back at school, when I started drinking to deal with shit I went out one night. I danced with a guy, we shall call him E. I had never seen him before and didn't really see him until the next party. I mean literally every party after he managed to find me and ask me to dance. Then we became Facebook friends and began to talk. I was supposed to hangout with him the night before he was leaving, but because of stupid things, I couldn't. However, he called me right before left in his taxi. He called me and we hugged outside of his taxi.

I really had no clue to think of it. I felt that he would think "Wow! What a bitch she didn't hang out with me"; however, the next morning I get a text from him saying "I'm about to board the plane. I'm so glad that I got to see you before I left".

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH THAT?

Now like I said, and I have had only fleeting conversations on FB with him. (Oh, did I forget to mention that he lives in Africa and I'm in the U.S. so there is a 7 hour time difference?) He has mentioned that he wants to hang out with me once we get back to school.

What I want is to get to talk with him more and figure out what the hell his intention is. Is he really interested in me or are my fears correct in knowing that no one would ever want me.

wow... this turned long.... I'll just end it now.

-Vizzy

DONE!

Finally my first fucking year of college is over. Just 3 more to go until I get me B.A. in Psychology. Ugh. I'm so tired.

For the past week I have been getting about 3 hours of sleep each night because I was too busy studying and writing papers *facepalm*

I'm done now. I don't know how I did and won't until perhaps sometime in June. It scares me because I really want to do well. :/

Well on a different and non academic note. I have developed the habit of drinking to destress.  It is fine and I have never gotten sick like that one night that I explained to y'all. 

One weekend, when I went out I happened to dance with this guy. Whatever, probably a fluke and we'll never see each other again. I was okay with that since I didn't really know him or see him around campus. 

Then he danced with me again at a different party... then finally last weekend. It's like he found me at EVERY party.

So I decided, what the hell, I'm not just gonna look for him and add him on Facebook. Just get to know who the fuck this random ass guy was that I happened to dance with all the time. When I added him, he sprung up a conversation almost immediately. I found to that he is actually a pretty cool and funny guy. He asked me if we could hang out monday (yesterday) before he left. (He's an international student). I said yes, but forgot that I told a different friend that I would hang out at his frat and drink.

I decided that I could split the time, but it ended up being that I couldn't hang out with him because I didn't know that he was leaving at 3 a.m. He called me right before he left and when he saw me he got out of the cab and hugged me. I felt like such a bitch for not hanging out with him like I said I would. 

I felt REALLY bad, but then the next morning I see this text from him "Hey! I'm about to board right now. Thanks for showing up. I almost thought I wasn't gonna see ya! :)"

My friends all say that he has a crush on me but I just don't know. I know I'm personally the kind of person that refuses to invest my feeling toward someone until I know that they are at least a little interested in me.

Should I like him? Why would/should anyone ever like me?

ugh. Emotions are complicated, but I have a whole 3 months until I see him in person again. We'll just have to see if we are still talking over the summer break. :/

Sincerely confused,

- Vizzy

Someone like me?

Good God it's been FOREVER since I've had time to get on here. I'm beyond behind on all the blogs that I haven't had the chance to read (about 4 moths of blog entries that I have not gotten to). I am so sorry! Believe me! I have been wanting to get on here, but school os eating my lunch and kicking my ass.

I've been using parting on the weekend as my new escapist behavior. (That's slightly better than constantly cutting and purging, right? Or am I just making excuses?)

On that note, I'm about 97% positive that roommate has been purging. There are just too many things that I see her do that I have done.
Examples behind my reasoning:
          - taking out the trash often even if it isn't full
          - late night puking [although the first time I heard it I gave her the benefit of the doubt and just thought she was really sick with the flu]
          - spraying air freshener after "taking out trash"
          - just the general noises that go with purging [although i'm a fairly silent purger]

and is it sick that I went out to the trash in the hall to check the bag she tossed and it seemed to have small vomit type chunks. Didn't want to get to into it though. Yuck! (But I mean REALLY? She didn't even tie up the bag. Dumb move.)

I really don't know what to do with this information. I don't want to confront her because I wouldn't want to be confronted myself. I mean, what is there to do? We all know that there is no getting better if we are not ready to get better.

I don't know. All I know is that I'm huge and now I feel the need to compete with her even though she's already smaller than me. (Who the fuck isn't!? I'm a fatty -_- )

Que será, será. (Whatever will be, will be.)
-Vizzy

Firsts

Well, last night happens to be filled with a couple of first for me.

So my best friend is visiting me here at my college because she has spring break. (I start classes tomorrow).

Anywho...

A mutual friend of ours is in a fraternity and we decided to hang out with him in his frat house. We go over and I decide "FUCK IT" I'm gonna drink. (Mind you I have NEVER drank alcohol EVER in my 19 years of life).

Nothing bad happened I didn't get sick. I really kept myself in check and I'm proud. (Something that was probably keeping me in check was the fact that alcohol has calories and my ED needs to keep shit in check. I guess it worked out for the best this time :D)

Well... later they ask if I wanna smoke Hookah. Once again I decide "Fuck it! Why not." It actually wasn't that bad. It was mango flavored which is good.

Then we just stayed up talking till 6 a.m. so we crashed at the frat house. (I also forgot the keys to my dorm so it was a bonus :P)

My best friend got kinda extra friendly with one of the guys in the fraternity so I was kinda worried for her, but the guy does seem nice and respectful. Basically he wouldn't do anything that she said no to. (But knowing her and the shit she has been going through, she can go further and further.) I know she has to make her own decisions and I really have no control over what she does, but she's my best friend. I can't help but worry you know?

Anywho, my first hookah and drinking experiences were okay, but I really can't see myself doing that regularly. Just not my thing.

- Vizzy

Thank you Leigh and Peri for the kind words.

After the b/p session I just sat in the shower for an hour with the hot water running on me. Just 2 finals and a paper left in these next 4 days. :/

I have eaten okay so far today and I'm gonna go to the gym tonight to work off some steam.

Take care!
- Vizzt

When the finals are on their way...

the eating disorders come out to play.


I hate this shit.

- Vizzy