Illusion or reality

Life without a scale is driving me fucking crazy. Since being in college from the end of August to now, I haven't weighed myself.

I'm looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing all this nastiness of my body grow. I don't know if my mind is just doing it or if I am getting fatter. I feel like shit when I can't exercise at the school's gym. Ugh! I need release. I just need to get better.

Better at school
better looking
a better friend
a better roommate
a better student

i'm just not good enough...

Good God, I'm so fucking tired of this damn paper. 800-1000 words of what movies mean to me *facepalm*. Also to add to the stress I have 2 test tomorrow.

I just freaking love college!


p.s. This was to tell y'all that I'm alive, but I may still not be after tomorrow. FML.

-Vizzy

College makes life so much more busy. Kind really sucks. Plus I have a job as one of the students that calls alumni to donate money to the school :S

Well I hope all of yall have been doing better than me cause let me tell you... I got assigned my first big paper Friday then purged twice... Fucking fantastic right? No, the answer is no.

Blah... I'm just scared shitless of failure. I just feel like I suck at everything. I'm not an attention seeker that most think of, but more in the normal girl way. Wah I mean is that I want guys to fucking notice me and just find me attractive. I feel fucking ugly that it doesn't help to have the world agreeing with me, you know? Fuck.

I'm tired and working on homework (a.k.a. Fuck ton of reading which I fear will not stay in my brain past tonight.)

Does any of this even make sense? I don't even know anything anymore.

I'm in my dorm

In case you don't subscribe to me on YouTube, I just wanted you all to know that I have now moved in. The room is still kinda a mess because I haven't had time to go to the mail room and get my HUGE boxes of all my shit I mailed to the school. I just have my clothes folded under my bed :/ I'm hoping to get my stuff tomorrow so I can finally hang my clothes and have all my other random crap.

I hope you are all well, but I'm gonna make this extremely short cause I'm tired.

Night!
-Vizzy

Sleep eating

Ever been asleep and eaten something in your dream. It's usually something that the majority of us put on a "no-no" list, but bam! There it is in gluttonous quantity in your dream world.

You put said food to your mouth, and eat it.

Never can really remember what happens in the dream before or after that. Some reason though, I feel disgust and regret when I wake up. Crazy I know!

"How could dream Vizzy just be so weak and stupid."




Just a though I have had of reason that I felt some of you could relate to.

-Vizzy

Sliding down the rabbit hole

From a 14 week purge free spree, to me failing just 1 hour ago for the 2nd time in 5 days.

Houston, we have a problem, and I'm going down fast...


-Vizzy

Hot hot hottie!

        Ok... this is out of the ordinary for me, but I just have to do it. I'm usually not attracted to most guys but when I see a really REALLY cute one... I just have to let everyone know.

        As you all know, I'm still down here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. When I came last year I was the math intern and physics teacher. Last year, we would go out dancing every weekend. It was a blast! At our favorite club, we meet this one guy who worked there a.k.a. "the hottie". He said we must be related because we have the same skin color and hair. (I can pass for a puerto rican).

        We yesterday after having dinner with our boss lady, we were walking down the coast home. All of a sudden we see "hottie" there talking to his friends. He didn't recognize my bff, but did a double take on me because the hair gives me away. My hair is very unique pretty much everywhere. So we decided to stop and say hi and he asked us if we were gonna go out, but we couldn't because there is work today :( I wanted to scream "yes! Let's hang out" but I didn't. :'(

When we walked away, our boss tried to make the situation awkward by asking "Who was that? I don't remember seeing him in any of the pictures." I didn't deny knowing him at all because it's not like I had sex with the guy, I just danced with him last year.

Well here's a picture with "the hottie" that was taken last year:

Well this has been my rant on "le hottie" (my poor attempt at french XD).

Thank you for putting up with it. You deserve every drop of my gratitude if you read this entire post.

- Vizzy

Missing out

OMFG! I feel like I have been missing so much about you all. :(
I'm way behind on reading everyone's blogs and haven't even thought of writing here because I've been SO freaking busy.

I'm working here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. Being a teacher is such freaking tough stuff! Making lesson plans, homework, test, AND doing it all in spanish. Blah... (I love spanish, but it's just not my first language. I learned english first because my dad doesn't speak it, so my mom mostly spoke english.) Oh, well... free practice before I have to start studying it again in college.

Well speaking of college. While I'm working, I am also trying to juggle in scheduling my college courses. I'm taking a freshman seminar type class (Creating Monsters (just a study on how society has come to create and dictate who and what is the definition of a monster)), Psychology 100 (I figure my college won't take the credit I had before because I didn't have a laboratory section to the course) and finally I'm taking Culture of the Spanish Speaking World (Specifically only the study of Mexico and Central America).

The times seem fairly reasonable, so let's see how I really survive once I'm in the middle of it :S

oh... Now about the food situation here down in Mexico. It's good, but I guess that it mean's it's a band situation? I've lost my grasp on the normality of eating.

To put it simply... after having not lost weigh in about 3 months... the weight is FALLING off me here. I can look in the mirror and I'm pretty sure I see a flatter stomach (My mind wants to tell me I'm still huge and that I'll never lose, but my clothes are disagreeing.) It's only been 2 weeks, but my shorts are very much loser (good thing I brought some belts, I suppose).

Now here's why the situation is good and bad. Bad because I'm getting my restricting tendencies REALLY intensely. (Even with a 8 week purge free streak I am REALLY getting those thoughts.) I tell myself things like:
- "Oh, well I might as not eat cause there aren't many vegetarian options."
- "It just seems like too much work to throw something together to eat".
- "Might as well save my money for college".
THOSE THINGS SUCK! If it were my sister in my situation I would tell her to really get some professional help.

But on the other hand, I'm so screwed in the head that I'm thinking of things like "Yes! The weight is finally dropping again".

If this is any indication of how I will be in college... I don't know weather to laugh or cry...

Well, I'll let yall go and live your merry life's.


Until next time,
- Vizzy

We are warped!

       Well hello hello there! I come to you a bit tanner and a bit more tired.

       I would like to call this past weekend a very busy one. On friday, I unexpectedly was invited to a house party. I decided to go with my best friend (remember the skinney one that I'm kinda jealous of... yea her) and my guy friend, I'll call him "Danny" her on blogville. He is working as my teacher intern this summer and he's going to the same college as me next year so we've been talking more that we had before.

      At the party it was a typical small get together with the purpose of some of the people wanting to be drunkin bloody idiots. Only a few can manage to seem like they have a brain while buzzed. (I don't drink... i just don't understand the point of it personally). After a while someone busted out his ipod so we could start dancing. We were all just dancing and having a good time and then one guy was leading me with the intention of turning me around so we could grind. (Could someone PLEASE give me some "bitch lessons" so I can learn to say no and not care what the guy thinks.) When all that happened I felt weird because my friend Danny was there but he didn't really know any one like I or my best friend did.

     Anywho, I drove Danny and my friend home and I stayed the night at my bff's. The next morning we woke up sooo freaking early so that we could go to Warped Tour! That's were I managed to get my tan back, because I must admit that I have been quite pale. The best band of the day, imho, was 3Oh3. I love them because they are from my home town, Denver, CO and their music is so much fun and catchy.

Sunday was left for me to catch up on MUCH needed sleep.

Ahhhh. These weekends don't happen often, but they are fun while they last.



until next time,
Vizzy


p.s. After warped tour, my best friend was texting Danny on MY phone and I think she has tried to set us up... ugh! He's a cool guy, but I'm just not attracted to him in that way. Well maybe it'll just be us hanging out as "friends" and not turn into anything else because other wise, him working as my intern in Mexico next month will be REALLY awkward, not to mention 4 years of college. FML.

Work, work, work

     Hello my beautiful people! I can only hope that things are going well for you all, if not, I hope to be a distraction. :)

     So, it has been a crazy busy time since I've graduated. I went to so many of my friends graduations. Some were pleasant and too the point, others were drawn out so long I wanted to pull out my eye lashes. Never the less, I enjoyed being able to support my friends in this momentous occurrence.

     Then just this past friday, I got to go to a group of friends party they had for graduation. THAT was fun! I danced so much XD My feet were upset with me afterward, but it was worth it! I love my heels and I love dancing.
Then last night I went to another party, but didn't dance as much :( It was more of her family, so it was kinda awkward to do any dance other than the group dances like the Cupid Shuffle. Still great to hang out with her.

So, now I know it seems like it's been forever since I've updated on my weight loss. I can say that it has been a very VERY slow occurrence. I know they say this is how it's supposed to be 1-2lbs a week, but it's ANNOYING! I hate feeling so fat when I'm with friends, ESPECIALLY clothes shopping. Ugh!

Well now me and my best friends get to be the teachers for a summer program so we gonna make some good money before college :) I'm the math teacher. I kinda don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'll fake it till I make it ;D

Well, I'll stop annoying you.

Until next time
-Vizzy

p.s. Della, if your reading this I emailed you but at first it kept telling me that there was a mess up in your email address. Then when you gave me the new one I emailed you, but have gotten no response in return :(