Say hello

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to my little friend!

It did hurt a little, but it was like self injury, just I wasn't in control of the needle.

If I were, it wouldn't have come out this pretty.

I am so happy about the way it came out! We shall see if it needs a touch up after the swelling goes down some.

-Vizzy

Dress and books

As promised, here are some pictures of me in my dress that I bought for graduation.

It is my mom's coworker and his wife with me in the photo.

I chose this one be cause my clavicles look awesome, imho. Plus the one with me and my friend show my fat arms :( ugh.

I'm working on it though! So that's a positive way to look at it.

p.s. I have challenged myself to re-read 20 books in 14 days! Yea... I'm insane, but I love this series and the new book comes out at the of the next 14 days.

It's the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series by Laurell K Hamilton.

This series is NOTHING like Twilight (that mockery of literature). She began this series in 1992, so obviously the vampires are the kind that burst into flames in sunlight... THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! And it turns kinda smutty about the 8th book in. SO GOOD, but awkward if someone ask you what you are reading XD

Here are the books.

OBVIOUSLY I highly recommend this series if I've not only read it once, but am gonna go through them all AGAIN!

-Vizzy

Graduation

Hey there.

Guess what?

I'm done! Friday night I graduated!

I only almost tripped once when going down the stairs XD It could have been quite an even to fall on my face at my graduation :P

I have many pictures and here's one of me and a friend in our cap and gowns.

Afterwards, some of the parents had planned a secret after gaduation party for us. They took us to Pappasitos for dinner, but I really didn't eat because there was no vegetarian option. Then we went to this funhouse place. That was some fun having all of us acting like kids once again XD Finally we went to a guys house where there was a light breakfast and they gave us some gifts. Every senior got a monogramed laundry bag, iHome portable speakers, and a small waste basket filled with college necessities.

Then there was the BIG gift. Every senior had a chance to win prizes such as 26' Vizio tv, Ray Ban sunglasses, an amazon kindle, money, gas gift cards, and iPad2.

Well did you know that my luck was up that night... erm morning because I won a freaking iPad2!!!!!!!!!! It's crazy... I still don't know how I won it.

well... that's most of my eventful weekend right there. I'll put some pics up of me in my dress w/o the gown because i love it :)

Until next time,
-Vizzy

HUZAAA... It is Vizzy the blob.

Blah. I feel like a blob that is somewhat triggered to purge. Instead I'm gonna write here and gather strength that all you lovely's embody.

Yesterday I stayed over at a friends because I had graduation party that night. So when I got to her house after school I realized how CRAP some people eat. It's CRAZY! All she had was fatty processed food. I finally settled on corn tortilla with cheese for quesadilla and had some hummus.

Then at the party I didn't eat any of the food even though the brownies looked good so point for me. :) (p.s. I discovered how much living in texas for the past 14 years has not made me like country music. I was SO BORED.)

I'll save you the long story of today by summing it up this way... I have not eaten over 1000 calories in God knows how long, but TODAY I DID! Bad feelings running around very rampantly...

Well, I hope you are all doing well.

-Vizzy

Interesting encounters

Ah first things first... Last wednesday and thursday I was up in Illinois to visit a college. I stayed overnight and even got to sit in a psychology/religion class. It really took me sitting in the class to imaging myself going to school there. Plus, the financial aid is the BEST!

So, it's official... I'm going to Knox College!

Now, on to something I've been thinking about just recently... I need to become more assertive. It's bad how indecisive I can be.

Yesterday, I hung out with my best friend to look at clothes we are going to need to buy for cold, snowy weather. Once we got to her house she invited me to go dancing with her and a couple of guys. I decided to (after 30ish minutes) and change at my house.

Now yall know how I hate me body, so I wasn't feeling sexy, especially since my best friend is gorgeous and thin. When we got there I started dancing, and a short (a foot shorter since I was wearing heels) asked me to dance. I COULDN'T SAY NO. I just feel like I would be considered a bitch. After a few songs we stopped cause he wanted a drink, but I don't (he bought me water though. That was sweet.) Then I went to a different dance room and two different guy began arguing over me. (THAT was a new experience.) I just couldn't be mean and say, "I want to dance with" one or the other.

Finally I went back to the other room to get away from them both, and was approached once again. I danced with this guy for the rest of the night. He was getting frisky... I mean really frisky, but that's when I finally drew the line. I would not kiss him. I just couldn't do it.

It was soooooooo strange to actually felt wanted. To feel appeling and dare I say it... sexy.


Well if you made it this far... you are AMAZING.

Until next time,
Vizzy

I shouldn't have

Just did something I know I shouldn't have...

Why am I so good at being a disappointment.

I flushed my 5 week success down the toilet... literally.

-Vizzy

hope?

Ok. Just caught up with everyones blogs. Ooof! But I love you all, so it's the price of love :)

Any who. Those of you who haven't blogged in a while, WHAT'S GOING ON!?

Just 28 days for me until I graduate, and I still have NOT made up my mind about a college (have to chose a college by may 1st).

Next week I'll go up to visit Knox College (small liberal arts school) in Illinois. They accepted me even though I applied late, but it will still depend heavily on how much financial aid they can offer.

Sucks to be poor. Sucks that education cost so much.

And can I say cuts and scars just suck too? I hate that I have to do it, but I HAVE to do it. I don't even feel worthy enough to get a tattoo of the word "hope" on my inner right wrist when the lie lives in the inner left wrist.

Well, I need to make a youtube vlog, because I have neglected them for far too long.

Even when shit is going down in my life,
hope all is well for yall
-Vizzy

Long time no blog huh... sorry (If you actually care. It not... whatever.)

Soooooo. Time has been more of it's hating self. I'm sliding deeper and deeper in to a depression of self loathing and apathy.

If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter. Nothing fucking matters or has value if it has to do with me.

Hell even colleges don't want me enough. It's evident that they haven't giving me enough scholarship. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR IT. I'm poor, my family is poor.

I don't know what to do....

The only thing I seem to do on a regular basis is cut, and please others....



Fuck it all.

To be, or not to be...

So today began normal enough.

Woke up, made a little oatmeal, went to school.

At school everything was normal until about noon. All the teachers were told something, but did not tell us. They were all acting very strange.

After lunch the faculty called us all in to a room to tell us something. It began with a prayer by the head of school and then he broke the news. A sophomore student's father had "suddenly died". (That was his phrasing) We were in there because he wanted to tell us that as a community we are all going to have to be there for her when she gets back.

Now, I don't know her or have ever met her, but I still feel so sorry for her lose; however, you can see that there is nothing connecting us. That was until I found out what "sudden death" meant. I just assumed he had a heart attack or something, but he really committed suicide. I found out from a guy who's father was friends with the decease.

BAM! That really hit me.

I have never attempted to commit suicide, but I have consider it too many times. Sometimes everything is so crippling that it truly seems like one of two options: to be or not to be.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

I hope none of you have ever asked yourselves that question, but I fear I'm not alone. I can only speak from experience, but I know how it feels to be drowning.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to just want all the suffering to end.
I know how it feels to think no one will care when you're gone.

But what I never thought about because I had never experienced it is how that decision "not to be" impacts EVERYONE. Even people you don't know nor have ever met.

Some people cried, some were numb,and some empathized. All in all, this news has changed us all. I never completely thought how my action could potentially bring sadness to those I love and care about. That is never what I intended and I'm sure that girl's father never wanted to sadden his family.

Even in the pit of suffering, we never want pain for others. Just think.

-Vizzy

Ladies and Gentlemen, To the Gas Chambers

ugh.

Only 2 days in and the week is miserable. Getting back to school after a break is tough. I have been sitting there just kind of out of it. Sorry teachers, I'm just ready to graduate.

But I can't just slack of. NO! I have to make A's in my classes to exempt the finals AND I have my AP exams coming up. ugh!

To be honest... I suck at studying... I depend on my natural intelligence (yes ye I know... I'm screwing my self over because I can't do that in college) :(

What's better is all of this stressed mixed with self hatred of my body. PERFECT!

I'll stop all my bitching and moaning now. I just had to get it out or I may go postal at school :/

I'll leave you with this song. I'm living the american dream: go to school, get a job, find a husband, settle down.

in that respect enjoy the sounds of American Dream by Danielle Ate The Sandwich



- Vizzy