Keep on keeping on.

Ok. After yesterdays monsterness of a binge, and first time purging in a while, I'm taking the reins back!

It's my life and I refuse to give my control to the need to binge and purge! Starting to apply for college is already stressful enough, I don't need more stress.

So today, I'm starting to lower my cals. I had 700 today and I'm gonna workout while watching tv soon.

Just wanted to let yall know this.

-Vizzy

p.s. Peridot (G+P), thank you so much on that tip for reading. I'll definitely be trying that this school year. But do you just have a book on a desk? Basically  what I want to know is, will it hurt my neck to be looking down while walking in place?

Oh Habits Die Hard!

Oh boy, I wish the habits would just crash, burn and DIE!

Ugh. So ever since I've been back it seems like my fullness meter is broken. I haven't been able to restrict the way I was in Mexico. PLUS I don't walk as much because I've been having to catch up on all my school work. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I know the scale says I've put on weight which is really triggering me. Yeasterday I was barely able to escape the need to purge, but after 12 weeks of being free.... I purged as soon as soon as my family left. I just couldn't handle it.

I'm so sorry that I have let you all down.
I need you all more than ever, I don't want to go back into bulimia.

I need to go and to some exercise videos and try to get rid of this weigh before wednesday.

-Vizzy

this is the goal I need to keep in mind.

Nasty Pics

Ok. I'm about to do the unthinkable.

I'm going to post pic of myself!
If you are weak of stomach, please go no further.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!














The first is me at one of my higher weights. Probably 240-260lbs

BARF!

Here is where I'm at now. As of this afternoon I'm 161lbs. Not satisfied, but it's where i am.

Ugh. I must be really tired or just out of it to put this nastyness up. :/

Until later,

Vizzy

Yo yo yo, what up!

I HAVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH!


Oh how I hve so much to tell you all.


Basically I really want to talk about me going out dancing if you all don't mind. Trust me, it's juicy if you know the type of person I am.


Well the first 2 weekends that Robert (math teacher, he's a college senior), Giselle (Language arts and English teacher) and my bff Maya (Giselle's intern) went out clubbing, I didn't go out. I just didn't want to have to pay a cover to get in just to dance. The purpose of the cover is that if you drink it's open bar... but I don't.


Anywho, the next week end it was just us girls cause Robert was tired. We went to the club that they had been going to because Maya is very "popular" there (She was in a wet t-shirt concert) and I got in free. 

After dancing for about 5 minutes, I was aproached by an attractive man. We talked while we danced. His 24 and lives in Acapulco. I thought it was funny that he thought I would be weirded out of his age because I told him my real age, 17. We danced for a long while and grinded. Super fun!

Later another guy grinded between me and Giselle. XD That was... interesting but fun too!

The next thursday it was just us girls again. This night was... interesting in a bad way. We went somewhere, we met a nice couple that invited us to dance. When we got to the second place, some random creepy guy invited himself from the first place. Well he tried to get me and Giselle to dance with him. At one point a salsa song came on. I didn't want to dance but he pulled me to dance with him. I was just trying to be polite. His hand slipped on to my butt once, but I let it go thinking it was just an accident. Then he puts his hand on my butt and squeezed it and said "you have a nice butt". That shocked me, and I was looking for Giselle to save me (we made a pact to help the the other) but she was in the restroom. Then when he turned me, he stops. Then he told me "Oh, I forgot what I was doing for a minute because I was looking at your chest." Ugh! Basically Giselle finally saved me the couple we met, that guy asked him to leave and everything was ok. 

Then friday was our last night. We were out dancing the whole night away. Just a little more of the same, grinding w 2 cute guys :)

Now your probably thinking: "Why the hell does she think this is interesting?"

Please give me a minute to explain myself. 

You all know that I have been fat my ENTIRE life. My highest weight was 260, so attention from guys has never been there. It's not like my self esteem is here. To be honest I had never even danced with a guy until this trip. YEA! I still think I look like shit, but the fact that I could GRIND with a guy is a huge improvement for me.

Oh! and if you remember that I had been saying that I knew that I was losing weight baised on my clothes. When I weighed myself last night, I was 165. So I lost 10lbs on the trip. I was really hoping I would lose more, but at least I lost something rather than gaining weigh like everyone else on the trip.

Ahhhh. Now that I'll be getting my check on wednesday, I really wanna buy myself this:

What do yall think? Does anyone have an opinion on e-Readers?










Any whozle :P

I won't take up any more time.

Until later,
Vizzy

p.s. I want to make a shout out to "Bya". Thank you so much for reading my blog. It means so much to have people that are supportive me while I'm here for yall too.

Spaghetti monster!!!!

Hello out there... out there... out there.


Hehehehe. There's an echo in here :P

I'm still in lovely Acapulco teaching this children physics. Most of the grades on the first test were amazing! Only 4 out of 14 did poorly.

I'm still being my usual thrifty self. Yesterday we were supposed to meet "D" at a bar/ restaurant. We couldn't find her so we went to the shopping center accross the street because everyone else was getting hungry.

I decided to not get anything b/c :
1) the night before I had ice cream (I decided to let mysef have ONLY 1 naughty thing a week while I'm down here)
2)I didn't see any good vegetarian meals
3) I wasn't hungry (I had a big apple an hour before we left)

So they all ate some meaty crap (blahhhhh). We meet up with D eventually and she invited us to get "drinks". So we crossed the street once again and got to a bar that made mixed beer drinks. I felt like the odd duck out like usual because I don't drink. Oh well.

I think I figured out the reason why I personally never ever want to drink. A couple of years ago, I was at an uncles wedding when a different uncle pulls me out of my seat and forced me to dance with him. He was drunk. It just felt..... wrong. Like he was getting a little to frisky. I think it just fucked me up mentally.... *shivers*

ugh. ok. back to today. Since today was a day that the parents bring lunch for everyone, I brought my own pb&j on rick cakes for my lunch. I had that and then was informed that the parent made plain spaghetti and was putting the meat on it once it was served. So basically I could have some.... >_< I can't even remember the last time I had spaghetti but that records broken :( i ate about a half cup serving but I felt like purging SOOOOOOO badly. Then I though of all of yall and how I kept bingeing because of my old purging mentality and I, for lack of better words, kept it all down.

Were supposed to go to the park with the kids today for an hour so I'm definitely gonna be "playing" a lot harder then the rest.

Well I hope to hear from yall soon. So many of yall have not been blogging recently. :(

-Vizzy

!Viva la mexico!

Bienvenido a Mexico :P (Welcome to Mexico... sort of.)


Sorry to have not posted in so long. I'm down in Mexico and the internet is kinda sucky from i am staying.

I'm down here being the physics teacher/math intern. So that's fun :P I feel kinda sad for the kids cause they have to hear my spanish. i'm not bad (hell, i'm half hispanic), but not perfect at speaking it. I'm just better at understanding it. Damn my refusal to talk when I was younger! :P 

I've been down here for 5 days and let me tell you that trying to eat for me down here is kinda hard.... which is a wonderful thing! Because I'm still a vegetarian, it is the perfect excuse that I tell my "roommates". Plus I'm kinda cheap, so I don't like to go to restaurants to by a 6 dollar vegetarian meal. It's just not worth it. So I just went to the grocery store here and bought plain oatmeal, cinnamon, sugar substitute, granola bars, eggs (i only like to eat the whites b/c it all protein and hardly any cals) cabbage, rice cakes, jelly, peanut butter. 

I had to get the last 3 recently b/c thursdays and tuesdays we have to bring our own lunch. For example, today one of the moms brought lunch for everyone, but it was mainly a meat dish, so I got away with just having lettuce with a little sour cream and cheese.

It's good being a vegetarian :P

I haven't been able to work out other than the occasional secret push-ups in my room. It's ok though. We are staying in a tourist part of Acapulco so there are tons of shops down the main street, but we have to walk EVERYWHERE.

There's no scale but I better be losing weight or I will be pissed off. Every time i look in the mirror I still feel fat though. *sigh* I miss my scale :(

-Vizzy

p.s. this is really long. sorry but I just emailed "Perfecting My Emptiness" and it was super detailed so I decided to be lazy and just copy the majority of the message here. XD

RAWR!

"I ain’t gonna take no shit from no one,
I ain’t gonna take no lip from no one,
You ain’t gonna try to get me to hold on,
It’s golden now,
Why would I slow down?

I can do anything, anything, anything I want,
anything, anything, anything I want,
anything, anything, anything I want,
It’s golden now
Why would I slow down?"






Good song. i LOVE the whole new 3OH!3 album Streets Of Gold. Check it out :)


Ok. Now it's honesty hour! Ugh.


I'm am a fucking FATTY! After a day of bingeing last wednesday I have been eating "normally". I mean like 1000-1700 cals for the past 3 days.


I'M FUCKING FRUSTRATED!


I feel huge bloated and fat. I haven't even weighted myself in nearly a week cause I feel so ashamed.


I need to pull an emergency fast! I'll probably have to detox before i go in to a straight water fast, so if I need to tomorrow, I'll only have veg or fruit. Then it's water, coffee, and tea for as long as I can continue.


How have you all been? Hopefully better than me and becoming even more gorgeous than you already are. :)


Until next time,
-Vizzy


P.s. this is just a reminder to help me in supporting To Wrote love On Her Arms by going to the section under my followers. It's on the right. Just do something like a poll for free and To Wrote love On Her Arms will get money. Thanks!

Help me support suicide prevention!!!!!

hey everyone I'm just making this brief.

I've been on social vibe for a while, but I for got about it. I just found out that I could put a little gadget here so yall can help me :)

I'm supporting To Write Love On Her Arms.

If you look right under my followers you will see the gadget. This helps because it gives REAL money to help this cause.


Please help,
-Vizzy

Feeling is believing.

Hola todos, a mi blog. :P

Ok, Hello everyone.

Well, the biggest thing i have to say is I SURVIVED SUMMER SCHOOL! Now I can take Photo I & II next year!

I got a 94 in Economics and 88 in American Government. Wooot!!!!

Of course my perfectionism wishes I could have made an A in gov., but hell, it was a history class and I abhor history. So an 88 is ok...... meh

ANY WHO.

Despite that I survived, last week was tough. I was feeling so FAT. I mean I felt like a behemoth. GARGANTUAN.

HUGE.

I was constantly on the verge of tears. Funny thing is that I had push mowed the lawn that saturday (great workout) so I was actually losing weight. However, i just kept feeling like my scale was lying.

Don't yall just hate feeling this way?

Until next time,

-Vizzy

Hello lovlies,

I know I haven't been hear in FOREVER! I deeply apologize. *Bows*

ok. I'm still fat, big surprise... :/
but good thing is I haven't cut or purged in about 4 weeks! I never thought I could make it that long.

So, I was taking economics to make space for photo I next year. Well I ended up getting a 94. Woop!

Then I had a week off. During this week I got to intern with a group I'm in. I'm interning with the guy who teaches math, my best friend will intern with the girl that teaches language arts. Everyone in the program is there basicly because they are smart, but underprivileged, so the program puts them in private schools. Hense how I'm in the private school I'm in.
Well,  I have fallen in love with those kids! They are so smart and cute. I feel really bad though cause I had to stop for 2 weeks to take American Gov to make room for photo II. That class SUCKS! i have a test every fucking day about 4 chapters :S. So as if my perfectionism isn't only getting annoyed there, but I feel bad that I'm not interning. I don't get to help the math teacher as much as I'd like.

*sigh* You all are probably SOOOOOO confused. Tell me if you don't understand.

Any who, it's time I tell you about my big summer  plan. The reason i'm interning is because I, my bff, the language arts teacher, the math teacher, and the head lady of the program are all going to ACAPULCO, MEXIO next month. There is another section of the group down there, with the same mission of helping underprivileged kids.

I'm really scared about the eating situation. The parents make food lunch for everyone. It'll be really hard to get past that, but I will try my darn hardest. and on thursday nights for dinner were supposed to try new restaurants together :S

but other than that i'm responsible for my food. But I'm still living in an apartment with 2 guys and 2 girls.

Any good advice?

-Vizzy