Feeling is believing.

Hola todos, a mi blog. :P

Ok, Hello everyone.

Well, the biggest thing i have to say is I SURVIVED SUMMER SCHOOL! Now I can take Photo I & II next year!

I got a 94 in Economics and 88 in American Government. Wooot!!!!

Of course my perfectionism wishes I could have made an A in gov., but hell, it was a history class and I abhor history. So an 88 is ok...... meh

ANY WHO.

Despite that I survived, last week was tough. I was feeling so FAT. I mean I felt like a behemoth. GARGANTUAN.

HUGE.

I was constantly on the verge of tears. Funny thing is that I had push mowed the lawn that saturday (great workout) so I was actually losing weight. However, i just kept feeling like my scale was lying.

Don't yall just hate feeling this way?

Until next time,

-Vizzy

Hello lovlies,

I know I haven't been hear in FOREVER! I deeply apologize. *Bows*

ok. I'm still fat, big surprise... :/
but good thing is I haven't cut or purged in about 4 weeks! I never thought I could make it that long.

So, I was taking economics to make space for photo I next year. Well I ended up getting a 94. Woop!

Then I had a week off. During this week I got to intern with a group I'm in. I'm interning with the guy who teaches math, my best friend will intern with the girl that teaches language arts. Everyone in the program is there basicly because they are smart, but underprivileged, so the program puts them in private schools. Hense how I'm in the private school I'm in.
Well,  I have fallen in love with those kids! They are so smart and cute. I feel really bad though cause I had to stop for 2 weeks to take American Gov to make room for photo II. That class SUCKS! i have a test every fucking day about 4 chapters :S. So as if my perfectionism isn't only getting annoyed there, but I feel bad that I'm not interning. I don't get to help the math teacher as much as I'd like.

*sigh* You all are probably SOOOOOO confused. Tell me if you don't understand.

Any who, it's time I tell you about my big summer  plan. The reason i'm interning is because I, my bff, the language arts teacher, the math teacher, and the head lady of the program are all going to ACAPULCO, MEXIO next month. There is another section of the group down there, with the same mission of helping underprivileged kids.

I'm really scared about the eating situation. The parents make food lunch for everyone. It'll be really hard to get past that, but I will try my darn hardest. and on thursday nights for dinner were supposed to try new restaurants together :S

but other than that i'm responsible for my food. But I'm still living in an apartment with 2 guys and 2 girls.

Any good advice?

-Vizzy

My doctor says I'm fat.

Uh. Ok, well maybe not in those words, but that's how it translated in my fucked up mind.

You all know that because of school I wasn't able to exercise like I did last summer... So I put on ten pounds. Disgusting I KNOW. I FUCKING LIVE WITH IT!
*Deep breath* Ok, well I've shaved off three, but when I went to the doctor he was a fucking prick in saying "Well I've noticed that you've put on 7lbs since your last visit." Then he offered me TIPS. He told me to stop drinking soda because that should save me some calories.

I DON'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DRANK A REAL SODA. He probably doesn't even fucking remember that I'm a vegetarian. (Also he doesn't know about my disorder.) But can you imagine my fucking frustrated yelling going on in my head? I mean REALLY!

I've been depressed, constantly wanting to cut, though I haven't thank God.

*Sigh* That's why I've really been missing, I'm sowwy. I have been keeping up with all of your blogs! Keep me updated!

We have to stick together to keep what sanity we have left.

-Vizzy

Hunger Point Book Review

Hello hello hello....

Sorry there must be an echo in here :P

So how have you all been? I hope you are all doing really well on this fine memorial day weekend.

One thing I feel really great about this last week is what I've done. So you all know how I have been horrible about my exercise during the school year. It's was just awful. I'm even gonna be very honest. Because I wasn't exercising as much as I was last summer, I put on 10 lbs. I KNOW! *sigh*

But I've been scraping off that weight slowly now, but it is so freaking slow. Plus it has been SOOOOOOO fucking hot that running in the garage is like running in hell! But lat thursday I decided to was the car AND push mow the lawn! It took 3 hours but when I calculated the cals burned I was amazed. It was about 1000! Woot! So, start mowing the lawn :P

On a sad note, I think my metabolism is dead. I swear I think it just found a nice dark corner in my body and decided to die!

I've been thinking about shaking things up. Has anyone tried to eat "mini meals" through out the day? because with me I just tend to avoid food and then maybe eat diner so my family won't get suspicious. The last thing is to be found out when I'm still huge :S

So what do you all do? I need something new.

--------- Moving right along to the next topic ---------

I swear I am not a lier! and here is the proof. I HAVE in fact made a review of Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff.... but I made it a video review. The thing is so ashamed of my weight that I feel very hesitant about linking the video here.... I know it's completely stupid for me to think that, especially since yall can't even see my body in the video.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate my brain so much. None the less, you can watch my review here:

Well I guess that's all for now.

Love you all

-Vizzy

I could really use a wish right now

"Could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
wish right now
wish right now"

Click the link to buy the song. It's SO worth it.








Now, I really apologize for being such a poop head that has not updated in millions of days.

Please accept this 0 cal piece of imaginary chocolate cake.

Let me start with last week.
I really began to restrict. I loved it! Lost about 6lbs (ran 1-2)

Then this week... well my bodies hormones are stupid.
I was restricting once again, but on wednesday. I BINGED! nearly 2000 cals ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and I didn't even purge :(
My body always does this 1 or 2 days the week before my "monthly visitor"...
Then today when I got home, I ate because I know I'll need protien. then I got a bowl of cereal... then another, then I decided "fuck it! I'm gonna purge" and ate one more bowl of cereal.

Weird but I decide to weigh myself before I purged. When I was all done, I had purged out 3 POUNDS! Wow...

I have a weird question though: Have yall ever realized the order of your vomit? for me it is usually, the first thing I eat, the first thing I purge. But just now, it was the last thing I ate that was the first to come up. Weird.

Now I just have 2 weeks till the end of school.
8 Days until the Blue October concert!!!!!!!

-Vizzy


Be sure to buy Hunger Point by clicking the picture, because I will put my review up VERY SOON! Cross my heart :)

DAMN ICE CREAM FOR IT'S COLD FATTY GOODNESS

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well now my cals are rounded up to 800 because my mom decided to buy ice cream. GAH!

I can't wait to go to college where, hell, I'll be to broke to buy ANY food. Gym memberships are free for students ;)

Well... idk. I feel huge. I really need to exercise like crazy. Anybody got good recommendations of free exercise vids you have found?

I really like the Tea Bo Cardio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP-ADSVstD0&feature=PlayList&p=07CE877502433497&playnext_from=PL&index=0

This will get you sweating! It's awesome!

Tell me what yall do.

Gotta go.
Until next time,
-Vizzy

p.s. Still reading Hunger Point, so review in the near future.

Hello everyone!

Thank you for all of you wonderful comments on my last blog. I really appreciate each one of you with all of my heart.

Now I just read about Amazon working with blogger. This is WONDERFUL! I have been wanting to do review type things on books and movies surrounding the "tougher topics" that others shy away from. (Self Injury, ED's, ect.)

If you didn't already know, I'm going to start reading Hunger Point.


I've seen the movie already so I'll get the review up for both maybe sometime next month.

Well, I must be off to take over the world
-Vizzy

Reality check... BOOM!

Well, Hello.

Let me start off with a story.

There once lived a little girl named Daisy. Daisy just LOVED to pick flowers. Her favorites were roses and sunflowers. One day, her mom told her she could only pick ONE flower to take home. Daisy didn't know what to do. She thought and thought and thought. Finally, she chose a rose and went home.

This is a little metaphor I told my best friend over IM last thursday. She told me something that tore me up.

Do you remember that guy I told you I like? (I'll call him Bob) Well, he's a senior. After the movie, I thought it was kinda funny that he was talking about dances at our school, When we left, and after I dropped my best friend off at her house, I got a text asking if I was still with her. I said no, but I could pass the message on to her. He said it would be weird, and that he would just talk to her on Facebook.

Well, back to thursday night. I was talking to my BFF seeing if she wanted to do to the mall with me and a few other friends. (Reba actually got the guts to ask a guy she likes to the prom... so she wanted to look for a dress.) Well my bff... i'll call her Rose from now on kept telling me and telling me that I should ask Bob. I told her no, because honestly I just don't do things like that. I have no balls. :( Well, i later found out that Bob asked Rose to HIS senior prom.

Rose really doesn't like him the way I do, she thinks of him as a friend, but I've never told her how I feel. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel a huge black hole just form inside my chest. I felt so empty.

She just kept saying I should ask him to my prom, but really? So I told her the story that I said above.

Key:
Daisy = Bob
rose's = Rose
sunflower's = Me

He had the chance to pick anyone, but he picked her. Obviously he doesn't like me. He felt he could live the rest of his life without me....... I mean, who wouldn't want to pick Rose. She's skinny, pretty ect. and here I am Fat, dysfunctional... Even though I've lost all this weight I'm still her "Fat best friend". I'll never be good enough.

That night I cut, gave up on any chance of love for me, and went to the mall the next day to look for prom dresses for Rose and Reba.

That broke my cut-free streke of 2 weeks, Oh well.

Then yesterday, I had to go over to a cousins birthday party, didn't eat at first, but then decided to fuck it and had some potato salad, rice, and a little bit of nachos. Then i went to the restroom and purged.

Today was ok, until about an hour ago when I made some brownies for my father. I ate some... then had a bowl of cereal and purged all of that out. Ugh... I feel the acid killing my stomach lining.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE! I'm so tired of living this lie. I'm fat and ugly and I doubt life will ever get better.

-

Asian inspirations

Hello,
It's me! Your favorite fatty :S

Anywho, So much to say!

Last week I got my license, so I now drop off my mom to work in downtown and then drive to school. I love it! Way better than waiting on the city bus :/

Then saturday I had to wake up REALLY earl... erm- well early for a saturday :P But I was gonna apply to get my passport because of some plans for this summer that I will explain in a later update. Turned out the place was closed so I went walking around the mall with my parents.

Then later I get a text from.... let's call him Stan. (Stan is the friend I was in college classes last summer and the one that wanted to meet at the movies) Well, he tested and asked if my best friend and I would like to go to the movies. OMFG! Is that boy cute! *Starts day dreaming* (We saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" fyi)

oh... sorry... '^^

To wrap up this spectacular update :P As promised I want to show you all the outfit I'm gonna wear tomorrow at my Junior presentation. (Basically we're becoming seniors type of thing, but I didn't order a class ring, but a bracelet with my graduating year engraved on the inside.)

I love the Asian feel of this dress :)

This pic doesn't show the shoes in all their glory, but it was the best I could do...

Tell me what all you lovelies think of my outfit.

Until next time,

-Vizzy

p.s. Lady Gaga is such thinspo for me! Especially in the music video "Telephone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQ95z6ywcBY&feature=channel

Oh! I've been bitten by the optimism bug!

Hello hello,

Well I need do do this fast because I have so much to do before I start school once again tomorrow.
:(

OK, About the movies, The plans fell through because my bff was out of town so we'll do it another time.
This is good because it gives me time to lose needed weight... woot!!

Now, I gotta get my ass in gear! I have a junior presentation at the end of the month and I bought a GORGEOUS asian like dress and BEAUTIFUL black peep toe heals (I should take a picture :D ) Now the dress is just slightly snug and showing some lumps I'd rather disappear. So this is great thinspiration! YAY! 

I was so busy cleaning today, that I was able to avoid eating until dinner, but thankfully we were just having salad (well my mom made corn bread, but i didn't have any.)

So I'm happy with the cals!!!!!

Incase yall haven't noticed, I'm feeling mighty optimistic about all of this. Ana is on my side and I know she'll get me to my goal. AND I'll get my license tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! (hopefully school doesn't kill my mood like it always does...)

Well, update! yall are my friends and I wanna hear what's up with all of you!

Soon to be thin,
     Vizzy