Hunger Point Book Review

Hello hello hello....

Sorry there must be an echo in here :P

So how have you all been? I hope you are all doing really well on this fine memorial day weekend.

One thing I feel really great about this last week is what I've done. So you all know how I have been horrible about my exercise during the school year. It's was just awful. I'm even gonna be very honest. Because I wasn't exercising as much as I was last summer, I put on 10 lbs. I KNOW! *sigh*

But I've been scraping off that weight slowly now, but it is so freaking slow. Plus it has been SOOOOOOO fucking hot that running in the garage is like running in hell! But lat thursday I decided to was the car AND push mow the lawn! It took 3 hours but when I calculated the cals burned I was amazed. It was about 1000! Woot! So, start mowing the lawn :P

On a sad note, I think my metabolism is dead. I swear I think it just found a nice dark corner in my body and decided to die!

I've been thinking about shaking things up. Has anyone tried to eat "mini meals" through out the day? because with me I just tend to avoid food and then maybe eat diner so my family won't get suspicious. The last thing is to be found out when I'm still huge :S

So what do you all do? I need something new.

--------- Moving right along to the next topic ---------

I swear I am not a lier! and here is the proof. I HAVE in fact made a review of Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff.... but I made it a video review. The thing is so ashamed of my weight that I feel very hesitant about linking the video here.... I know it's completely stupid for me to think that, especially since yall can't even see my body in the video.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate my brain so much. None the less, you can watch my review here:

Well I guess that's all for now.

Love you all

-Vizzy

I could really use a wish right now

"Could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
wish right now
wish right now"

Click the link to buy the song. It's SO worth it.








Now, I really apologize for being such a poop head that has not updated in millions of days.

Please accept this 0 cal piece of imaginary chocolate cake.

Let me start with last week.
I really began to restrict. I loved it! Lost about 6lbs (ran 1-2)

Then this week... well my bodies hormones are stupid.
I was restricting once again, but on wednesday. I BINGED! nearly 2000 cals ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and I didn't even purge :(
My body always does this 1 or 2 days the week before my "monthly visitor"...
Then today when I got home, I ate because I know I'll need protien. then I got a bowl of cereal... then another, then I decided "fuck it! I'm gonna purge" and ate one more bowl of cereal.

Weird but I decide to weigh myself before I purged. When I was all done, I had purged out 3 POUNDS! Wow...

I have a weird question though: Have yall ever realized the order of your vomit? for me it is usually, the first thing I eat, the first thing I purge. But just now, it was the last thing I ate that was the first to come up. Weird.

Now I just have 2 weeks till the end of school.
8 Days until the Blue October concert!!!!!!!

-Vizzy


Be sure to buy Hunger Point by clicking the picture, because I will put my review up VERY SOON! Cross my heart :)

DAMN ICE CREAM FOR IT'S COLD FATTY GOODNESS

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well now my cals are rounded up to 800 because my mom decided to buy ice cream. GAH!

I can't wait to go to college where, hell, I'll be to broke to buy ANY food. Gym memberships are free for students ;)

Well... idk. I feel huge. I really need to exercise like crazy. Anybody got good recommendations of free exercise vids you have found?

I really like the Tea Bo Cardio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP-ADSVstD0&feature=PlayList&p=07CE877502433497&playnext_from=PL&index=0

This will get you sweating! It's awesome!

Tell me what yall do.

Gotta go.
Until next time,
-Vizzy

p.s. Still reading Hunger Point, so review in the near future.

Hello everyone!

Thank you for all of you wonderful comments on my last blog. I really appreciate each one of you with all of my heart.

Now I just read about Amazon working with blogger. This is WONDERFUL! I have been wanting to do review type things on books and movies surrounding the "tougher topics" that others shy away from. (Self Injury, ED's, ect.)

If you didn't already know, I'm going to start reading Hunger Point.


I've seen the movie already so I'll get the review up for both maybe sometime next month.

Well, I must be off to take over the world
-Vizzy

Reality check... BOOM!

Well, Hello.

Let me start off with a story.

There once lived a little girl named Daisy. Daisy just LOVED to pick flowers. Her favorites were roses and sunflowers. One day, her mom told her she could only pick ONE flower to take home. Daisy didn't know what to do. She thought and thought and thought. Finally, she chose a rose and went home.

This is a little metaphor I told my best friend over IM last thursday. She told me something that tore me up.

Do you remember that guy I told you I like? (I'll call him Bob) Well, he's a senior. After the movie, I thought it was kinda funny that he was talking about dances at our school, When we left, and after I dropped my best friend off at her house, I got a text asking if I was still with her. I said no, but I could pass the message on to her. He said it would be weird, and that he would just talk to her on Facebook.

Well, back to thursday night. I was talking to my BFF seeing if she wanted to do to the mall with me and a few other friends. (Reba actually got the guts to ask a guy she likes to the prom... so she wanted to look for a dress.) Well my bff... i'll call her Rose from now on kept telling me and telling me that I should ask Bob. I told her no, because honestly I just don't do things like that. I have no balls. :( Well, i later found out that Bob asked Rose to HIS senior prom.

Rose really doesn't like him the way I do, she thinks of him as a friend, but I've never told her how I feel. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel a huge black hole just form inside my chest. I felt so empty.

She just kept saying I should ask him to my prom, but really? So I told her the story that I said above.

Key:
Daisy = Bob
rose's = Rose
sunflower's = Me

He had the chance to pick anyone, but he picked her. Obviously he doesn't like me. He felt he could live the rest of his life without me....... I mean, who wouldn't want to pick Rose. She's skinny, pretty ect. and here I am Fat, dysfunctional... Even though I've lost all this weight I'm still her "Fat best friend". I'll never be good enough.

That night I cut, gave up on any chance of love for me, and went to the mall the next day to look for prom dresses for Rose and Reba.

That broke my cut-free streke of 2 weeks, Oh well.

Then yesterday, I had to go over to a cousins birthday party, didn't eat at first, but then decided to fuck it and had some potato salad, rice, and a little bit of nachos. Then i went to the restroom and purged.

Today was ok, until about an hour ago when I made some brownies for my father. I ate some... then had a bowl of cereal and purged all of that out. Ugh... I feel the acid killing my stomach lining.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE! I'm so tired of living this lie. I'm fat and ugly and I doubt life will ever get better.

-

Asian inspirations

Hello,
It's me! Your favorite fatty :S

Anywho, So much to say!

Last week I got my license, so I now drop off my mom to work in downtown and then drive to school. I love it! Way better than waiting on the city bus :/

Then saturday I had to wake up REALLY earl... erm- well early for a saturday :P But I was gonna apply to get my passport because of some plans for this summer that I will explain in a later update. Turned out the place was closed so I went walking around the mall with my parents.

Then later I get a text from.... let's call him Stan. (Stan is the friend I was in college classes last summer and the one that wanted to meet at the movies) Well, he tested and asked if my best friend and I would like to go to the movies. OMFG! Is that boy cute! *Starts day dreaming* (We saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" fyi)

oh... sorry... '^^

To wrap up this spectacular update :P As promised I want to show you all the outfit I'm gonna wear tomorrow at my Junior presentation. (Basically we're becoming seniors type of thing, but I didn't order a class ring, but a bracelet with my graduating year engraved on the inside.)

I love the Asian feel of this dress :)

This pic doesn't show the shoes in all their glory, but it was the best I could do...

Tell me what all you lovelies think of my outfit.

Until next time,

-Vizzy

p.s. Lady Gaga is such thinspo for me! Especially in the music video "Telephone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQ95z6ywcBY&feature=channel

Oh! I've been bitten by the optimism bug!

Hello hello,

Well I need do do this fast because I have so much to do before I start school once again tomorrow.
:(

OK, About the movies, The plans fell through because my bff was out of town so we'll do it another time.
This is good because it gives me time to lose needed weight... woot!!

Now, I gotta get my ass in gear! I have a junior presentation at the end of the month and I bought a GORGEOUS asian like dress and BEAUTIFUL black peep toe heals (I should take a picture :D ) Now the dress is just slightly snug and showing some lumps I'd rather disappear. So this is great thinspiration! YAY! 

I was so busy cleaning today, that I was able to avoid eating until dinner, but thankfully we were just having salad (well my mom made corn bread, but i didn't have any.)

So I'm happy with the cals!!!!!

Incase yall haven't noticed, I'm feeling mighty optimistic about all of this. Ana is on my side and I know she'll get me to my goal. AND I'll get my license tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! (hopefully school doesn't kill my mood like it always does...)

Well, update! yall are my friends and I wanna hear what's up with all of you!

Soon to be thin,
     Vizzy

"I think we have an emergency!"

Emergency by Paramore

I think we have an emergency

I think we have an emergency

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong

Cause I won't stop holding on

So are you listening?

So are you watching me?

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong

Cause I won't stop holding on.

This is an emergency

So are you listening?

And I can't pretend that I don't see this

it's really not your fault

When no one cares to talk about it

[To talk about it]

Cause I've seen love die

Way too many times

When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)

I've seen you cry

Way too many times

When you deserved to be alive (alive)

So you give up every chance you get

Just to feel new again

I think we have an emergency

I think we have an emergency

And you do your best to show me love,

but you don't know what love is.

So are you listening?

So are you watching me?

Well I can't pretend that I don't see this

But it's really not your fault

When no one cares to talk about it

[to talk about it?]

Cause I've seen love die

Way too many times

When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)

I've seen you cry

Way too many times

When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it?

Cause I've seen love die

Way too many times

When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)

I've seen you cry

Way too many times

When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Ok... So maybe it's not as dire as I think it is, but it feels life stopping to me. (drama queen much?)

Last summer I was in this program to get college credits in psychology and computer. Well, I met this guy... well I slowly began to fall for him. Now I know that I probably have NO chance in hell with him, but he just texted me to ask to go to the movies with me and my best friend tomorrow. 

You wanna know the first thing that pops in my head?

Not "I wonder what movie we'll see."

Not "Oh! It's gonna be so much fun"

No. It's the fact that I'm 5lbs HEAVIER than when he last saw me!

FUCK ME! Is it the fact that I'm trying not to purge? Shit! Maybe I should just keep purging, because I can't stand this.

Plus, since it'll be him, me, and my best friend I'll look HUGE because she is sooo TINY but eats like a fucking horse.

Of course I blurred her to protect her privacy.

I can still love her and envy her at the same time. :P

I don't plan on making him my soul mate, I'm a realist, but I just wished I could have blow him out of the water if I were thinner...

I'm really freaking out! What can I do.

So far, I stayed up really late last night so that I could sleep in and avoid breakfast. I did 20 mins of cardio.

Had a protien shake (120 cals for 23g of protien)

and now I'm gonna do another hour of cardio while watching My Big Fat Diet Show on YouTube. I wish I lived in the UK to get those kinds of shows on TV... stupid Amarican television programing...

Anywho, I'm begging for some HELP!

-Vizzy

Disappointing

Woot Woot!!!! SPRING BREAK!

How are all of you my darlin's? I haven't heard form some of you so update! I wanna hear about your lives :)

Well, this morning I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m. to go to the DMV. Stood in line until 8, which is the time that they actually open, but by then the line is HUGE! When I get to the front of the line, I find out I don't have to take a drivers test because I took Drivers ED before the law in Texas was changed.

I'm getting excited. I'm finally going to be able to drive on my own. I LOVE driving! It's very therapeutic for me. I'm not sure why...

Well, then the clerk woman ask, "Are you 18?"
I answer honestly, of course, "No, I'm 17".
Then she says "Well since you are under 18, do you have a VOE (Verification of Enrollment)?"
SHIT!
Being the complete worthless piece of shit dumb ass that I am, I didn't know that I needed one. WHY DO THEY CARE IF I'M IN SCHOOL?!? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRIVING!

She goes, "Oh, well I'll give you a line pass. Do you just go to a school around here?"
Me: "No, I go to a private school" (ACROSS TOWN!!! PLUS IT'S SPRING BREAK SO NO ONE IS THERE TO GIVE ME A VOE!)

When I got home I was so distraught and upset that I got in bed, cut and cried, cried and cut. Then went to bed for another 6ish hours.

I was really just mad at myself for being so stupid. I wish I were dead. I'm so tired of always being disappointed. Anything I want, I never get no matter how fucking hard I work.

*Sigh*
-Vizzy

Changing...

Well well well...

To put it in frank words... I FUCKED UP!

I woke up this morning and was really tired, so I figured I could just move my workout to tonight (which I'm going to do after this update. See how much I love yall?)
Well, since I moved that i figured i'd change my eating for the day. I usually would go all day until about 7pm without eating. I figured I don't want to plateau so I actually ate breakfast thinking that I just won't eat dinner, even things out.

All was well until about 5 when we were giving snacks to the kids I have been helping with. Today there was something special... cupcakes. Once all the children got one, all of the other helpers from my school got one. Finally they offered me one.

Yall KNOW how much of a people pleaser I am. I FUCKING HATE IT. So I got it and ate it. Well I figured I could just work it off tonight. Then on the ride back to campus I start feeling terribly ill. Maybe the frosting was made with animal shortening and since I've been a vegetarian for a year, perhaps I'm intolerant.

I was feeling soooo ill that I just decided, I needed the crap out of me. Not for ascetic reasons, not because I long to be thin... no I have been determined to do it the semi healthy way by eating little and exercising, but I knew my body couldn't handle the cupcake.

So I did purge... yup. 3  weeks of not doing just that... all my effort was flushed away.
I was just thinking today how good I was doing and it must have been by God's grace. naturally I just had to fuck it up.

BUT LADYS AND GENTLEMEN! My day does not end there. Oh no!

When I get home, I really just wanted to chill a little, watch ANTM, workout, shower, then go to bed. I actually ate a few tortilla chips. :( (naught me I know) Well some crap went down and my father basically pissed me off, but I wasn't angry as much as I was really feeling unheard. I went to my room and guess what 2 things I did next.

Just guess...

If you guessed a cutting session and another purging session you scare me because that's exactly what happened.

Now I'm here... informing all of you.

yeah.... This is an awkward ending.

Please tell me how some of you are hanging on?