Disappointing

Woot Woot!!!! SPRING BREAK!

How are all of you my darlin's? I haven't heard form some of you so update! I wanna hear about your lives :)

Well, this morning I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m. to go to the DMV. Stood in line until 8, which is the time that they actually open, but by then the line is HUGE! When I get to the front of the line, I find out I don't have to take a drivers test because I took Drivers ED before the law in Texas was changed.

I'm getting excited. I'm finally going to be able to drive on my own. I LOVE driving! It's very therapeutic for me. I'm not sure why...

Well, then the clerk woman ask, "Are you 18?"
I answer honestly, of course, "No, I'm 17".
Then she says "Well since you are under 18, do you have a VOE (Verification of Enrollment)?"
SHIT!
Being the complete worthless piece of shit dumb ass that I am, I didn't know that I needed one. WHY DO THEY CARE IF I'M IN SCHOOL?!? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRIVING!

She goes, "Oh, well I'll give you a line pass. Do you just go to a school around here?"
Me: "No, I go to a private school" (ACROSS TOWN!!! PLUS IT'S SPRING BREAK SO NO ONE IS THERE TO GIVE ME A VOE!)

When I got home I was so distraught and upset that I got in bed, cut and cried, cried and cut. Then went to bed for another 6ish hours.

I was really just mad at myself for being so stupid. I wish I were dead. I'm so tired of always being disappointed. Anything I want, I never get no matter how fucking hard I work.

*Sigh*
-Vizzy

Changing...

Well well well...

To put it in frank words... I FUCKED UP!

I woke up this morning and was really tired, so I figured I could just move my workout to tonight (which I'm going to do after this update. See how much I love yall?)
Well, since I moved that i figured i'd change my eating for the day. I usually would go all day until about 7pm without eating. I figured I don't want to plateau so I actually ate breakfast thinking that I just won't eat dinner, even things out.

All was well until about 5 when we were giving snacks to the kids I have been helping with. Today there was something special... cupcakes. Once all the children got one, all of the other helpers from my school got one. Finally they offered me one.

Yall KNOW how much of a people pleaser I am. I FUCKING HATE IT. So I got it and ate it. Well I figured I could just work it off tonight. Then on the ride back to campus I start feeling terribly ill. Maybe the frosting was made with animal shortening and since I've been a vegetarian for a year, perhaps I'm intolerant.

I was feeling soooo ill that I just decided, I needed the crap out of me. Not for ascetic reasons, not because I long to be thin... no I have been determined to do it the semi healthy way by eating little and exercising, but I knew my body couldn't handle the cupcake.

So I did purge... yup. 3  weeks of not doing just that... all my effort was flushed away.
I was just thinking today how good I was doing and it must have been by God's grace. naturally I just had to fuck it up.

BUT LADYS AND GENTLEMEN! My day does not end there. Oh no!

When I get home, I really just wanted to chill a little, watch ANTM, workout, shower, then go to bed. I actually ate a few tortilla chips. :( (naught me I know) Well some crap went down and my father basically pissed me off, but I wasn't angry as much as I was really feeling unheard. I went to my room and guess what 2 things I did next.

Just guess...

If you guessed a cutting session and another purging session you scare me because that's exactly what happened.

Now I'm here... informing all of you.

yeah.... This is an awkward ending.

Please tell me how some of you are hanging on?

Day one's thoughts

Well this was to be my first day fasting.

I did make it a 26 hour period on water alone.

I know when i used to fast, my whole heart was so ELATED, now it seems like I don't care much for long term fasting. I do enjoy the 24 hour periods though.

I'm not sure what's going on with me emotionally though...

guess I'll just continue this way rather than long term

Just wanted to let you know

-Vizzy

Formspring

I forgot to mention that I have gotten a formspring.

This means that you can ask me ANYTHING and I won't know who asked. Once you ask, I answer and you just go back to the site to see my response.

Sounds intriguing right?

http://www.formspring.me/VizzyOne

ASK! ASK!

-Vizzy

Time to think

Thoughtful question of the day:
Would a vegan eat animal crackers?

Think about it :P



Sooooooo sorry I have not been updating in a really long time.
I have been very... stressed that I have just needed time to get my mind together.

In school last week and this week we have something called Interim Term. It is two weeks when we don't take our normal courses, but other educational things.

All last week I was in Animal Rescue. I got to go to different animal shelters like a poodle shelter, greyhound shelter, SPCA, ect. It was REALLY fun. I would definitely love to get a greyhound. The only down side of last week was that I actually had to eat lunch, versus being able to sneek to the library during lunch. 4 of the days I just ate a few veggies and maybe a plum, but one day they bought us lunch. We went to Subway :( I was basically forced to eat a veggie delight ON ITALIAN HERB AND CHEESE BREAD! I haven't had bread form there in so freaking long! I was freaking out in my head... and I paid for it on the treadmill...

Well.... This week I don't have to go to school until noon, so they are going to expect that we already have eaten breakfast and lunch. *scoff* Yeah right. I'm thinking about either negative cal fasting or straight water fasting... but haven't quite made up my mind yet. Well just have to wait and see... My "breakfast/lunch" will be working off fat on the treadmill. :P

Hmmmm, we will be doing some gardening and playing with younger kids... I've never passed out and I hope I won't by the end of the week. Oh well.

On a final good note, I have not purged in 3 weeks!!! I'm soooooo proud of myself because I really am trying hard to end the binge and purge cycle.

-Vizzy

P.S. Thank you BlAnCh for caring and wondering what has happened to me. I'm fine, just had to take a little me time to process stuff.

Heartbreak

Wow... I really... wow.

You could say I'm still in shock. I just found out that one of our own, Della is ending her blog. Her parents discovered her blog, so she has to delete the blog tomorrow.

Della is like my sister. We have so much in common, and it kills me to think i may never read one of her witty puny blogs. A true ray of sunshine here on bloggerville.

And I know that it's complicated

But I'm a loser in love, so baby

Raise a glass to mend

All the broken hearts

Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again

Oh boy you've left me speechless

You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again, 

Oh! friend, you've left me speechless

You've left me speechless, so speechless

To Della,

I love you and will miss you! Please be safe and try to email me if possible. 

*sigh* I really need time to let this soak in. Excuse me if I do not post in awhile. I don't tend to take departs to well. Though, do comment and I will read them and possible reply. I just can't think what the future holds right now... everything is just a hazy shade of winter...

Numb, confused and sad,

-Vizzy

Life's a game and but its not fair,

I break the rules so I don't care,

So i keep doing my own thing,

Walking tall against the rain,

Victory's within the mile,

Almost there don't give up now,

Only thing thats on my mind

is "who's gon run this town tonight?"

- Run this town by Jay-Z ft. Rihanna

So how are all of you ovlies lovelies? (I might just be dyslexic :S)


Well, after being "ok" monday-wednesday, I had this huge binge thursday.
I didn't breakfast like usual, (especially because I knew I was going to have a meeting at school where "lunch was provided"). When I got there I saw that all they had was sandwiches. Since I'm a vegetarian I thought I could get away with eating nothing, but then they made me get chips and cookies. :( From that I just kinda continued the binge at home.


I was so pissed off with myself that I decided that friday I would fast. Unlike my last time, I was SUCCESSFUL! It has been 36 hours. Woot! Woot!


This brings me to the lyrics. Now I remember this song being played during the super bowl. The part I bolded gives me SO much strength, so I posted it to encourage some of you.


We're almost there!
-Vizzy


p.s. I've been chatting with an Ana buddy and she has lost 5lbs with the 2468 diet. I believe the key is calorie variation. That is my goal. rather than binge/purge, my next goal is reasonable calorie variation like the 2468.

Presto! Magic-o!

HeLlO (Anyone else think this annoying when people type like that :P)

I am not dead.

I apologize for my absence. It's just that last week was HELL! I swear, it was horrible.

Quick recap:
Basically sunday I didn't go to bed to work on an english paper outline
middle of week had miscellaneous other work and test to study for.
Thursday I was up late again trying to finish a rough draft for that hellish english paper. (I hate research papers!)

Then when the weekend came around, I was a lazy ass and basiclly did nothing. By the time I was just getting rested and wanting to exercise, it was sunday night, both parents had their cars in the garage so I couldn't run and I had to do homework. FML

on a random note, let me show you how mentally EXHAUSTED I was i binged saturday morning on cereal, and part of me wanted to binge, but the other part won so I didn't :(

but then i purged lunch, but kept down dinner :S (yup... I'm random)

____________________________________________

Omg! Has anyone ever tried to text someone out of the US? I am so confused! I think I have to put some kind of prefix?
Well, it is 3:45 a.m. where "Perfecting My Emptiness" lives, so I'll have to wait to see how that went through.

hmmm... This feels like I'm ending abruptly... sorry

-Vizzy

Well well well

Guess who sucks...

This girl. Congrats. Go eat then purge a cookie.

Well like mentioned before, I stayed at Reba's... had to eat chips at her job (shouldn't we be feeding little kids fruts and veggies for snack... NOT chips?) then I ended up being served cooked potatoes and a quesadilla for dinner....

.....
.........

Well when I woke up in the morning, the torture didn't end! Reba was like "there is cereal in the pantry". At first I just ignored her, then her mom was telling me, so I got like 1/2 a cup of generic cheerioes with non fat skim milk. (That was a big freaking deal! I hate eating breakfast because I always end up hungry during the day.)
Once we are leaving Reba tells me "Oh, I don't usually eat breakfast cause I don't get hunrgy until 2nd period (our physics class)"

I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo *passes out* oooooooooo pissed off! I had to freaking eat!

Then just like I predicted, guess what happened. Go on and guess.

Yup, Vizzy got hungry real quick. I don't just mean little curling of the stomach... no I got fucking RAVENOUS!  I was so hungry that I ended up eating the lunch that reba's mom made me.... I NEVER EAT LUNCH AT SCHOOL! Then I get home, eat soup, broccoli, few corn tortilla chips, and then chocolate!

*KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*  that's the sound of my scale exploding when i weigh myself.

I feel really disgusting. every time I look down i just see a disgusting gut! 

Gahhhh!

I need to fast, but I need support. I start strong, and when I get home... I end up eating :(

Hmmmm.

Here's my plan.

Thursday Breakfast:
Coffee with splenda and a touch of non fat cream.


Thursday lunch:
Nada (That means nothing for my non-spanish speaking friends)


Thursday Dinner:
Perhaps a medium/ large apple
and a protein shake


If I need a snack, it'll be diet coke!

Yeah... this plan seems amazing! Now I just need SERIOUS support. I need someone that is willing to verbally ABUSING me if it is necessary. I wish I had an ana buddy in real life.

Oh well. I have to finish homework and try to fit in a workout tonight.

I hope all you lovelies are succeeding at what ever you are dooing. Trying to recover or fasting, I love you and support you.

-Vizzy

Why did I jinks it?

When I got home, my mother made me eat, so I had organic tomato soup (80 cals) and some boiled broccoli (30 cals). Then I chewed and spit some cookies... (0 cals) THEN I ate some popcorn (170 cals). Total is about 300 cals! (and I didn't even purge it out... Grrrrrrrrrrrrr) *bangs head on wall repeatedly*

I know, I am a fail who shouldn't even be on this sight. I'm WEAK and PATHETIC! This is not a "woe is me" bitch. I don't deserve your pity or sympathy... I knew I was slipping and I wanted to text my bff... but she doesn't know how deep my addictions lie...

Oh... Still no sleep, and I have to stay with "Reba" tomorrow :(
I'm pretty sure I can't get away with purging over there... I don't know if the "I'm feeling sick" line will work.

*Sigh*
-Fat Vizzy