Well once again Harold Camping has made his new and improved calculations for the rapture happening tomorrow.
Yippie! ... *That was sarcasm*
In a way, I kinda wish I could just be taken away in the rapture. I am so tired. Not exactly physically or mentally tired, but emotionally. Not only does tomorrow bring about the end of the world *allegedly*, but it brings my fucking birthday.
Do I care about getting older, not really *yet*, it's just that life makes it's way of going down hill for the rest of the year. It's fucking clockwork. EVERY. YEAR.
In my head I'm planning strategic cutting places cause I know it'll most likely come to that. (p.s. I cut last monday after being clean for about 16 weeks -__-)
Does the rest of the world live like this? This can't be a normal life, because why would anyone go through this?
-Vizzy
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Had an "experience"
Well, at my college we have a union board that likes to provide the students with things to do on some weekend. For example we've had bands play, talent shows, a step africa group. It's really fun usually; however, todays activity was just... very very interesting.
Tonight (well saturday the 15th) we had a paranormal investigator come and speak. His talk was really cool and informative. Then the first 40 people there got to go on a "ghost tour" with him after (needless to say I and my friends were in that 40). We visited the basement of a building and got to hear some spirits, but that wasn't as mind blowing as visiting the old jail.
In the Old Jail, we were mainly trying to contact one guy that was known to have hung himself while imprisoned. A lot of the responses were surprisingly clear answers to questions the investigator asked and even we asked. Then other spirits started talking through the recording. (Note that we gave NO information to the guy beforehand)
Well some spirits had things to say to some of us on the tour. One girls father who passed away because of a heart attack talked to her. Even one of my suite mates had a cousin that committed suicide and he was saying hi to her mother and that he felt stupid for killing himself.
I kept thinking that I wanted to talk to my grandpa because I still carry a lot of guilt for never getting to really know him and say goodbye. It wasn't until after he died that I learned how much he loved and protected me even when I wasn't aware of it (that REALLY makes me feel like shit and hate myself). Like I said I couldn't get the courage to ask to talk to my grandpa, but I heard my name! (If you know my name, you will know that it is not a normal name you hear everyday.) I also know I heard a lot of spanish which was basically all my grandpa could speak. So I think he was trying to talk to me, but just like his dying days... I let fear get the best of me.
When I walked out, my friend asked what was wrong in spanish and I couldn't help but break down. I don't know if I necessarily believe in all of it, but how can you explain me HEARING my name? Wow. It has definitely been one very eye opening experience and if forced me to once again think about all the shit I still carry from the death of my grandpa. I really miss him...
Has anyone else ever had an experience like this or do you not believe it? I am having some difficulty really trying to process it all.
- Vizzy
p.s. Some of the spirits were very sassy and funny. At one point the paranormal investigator asked if there were any spirits that wanted to cross over and why the guy who hung himself hadn't already crossed. new thing you hear on the device is "He's waiting for the rapture, you dick!" OMG! Some spirits have AMAZING senses of humor!
Tonight (well saturday the 15th) we had a paranormal investigator come and speak. His talk was really cool and informative. Then the first 40 people there got to go on a "ghost tour" with him after (needless to say I and my friends were in that 40). We visited the basement of a building and got to hear some spirits, but that wasn't as mind blowing as visiting the old jail.
In the Old Jail, we were mainly trying to contact one guy that was known to have hung himself while imprisoned. A lot of the responses were surprisingly clear answers to questions the investigator asked and even we asked. Then other spirits started talking through the recording. (Note that we gave NO information to the guy beforehand)
Well some spirits had things to say to some of us on the tour. One girls father who passed away because of a heart attack talked to her. Even one of my suite mates had a cousin that committed suicide and he was saying hi to her mother and that he felt stupid for killing himself.
I kept thinking that I wanted to talk to my grandpa because I still carry a lot of guilt for never getting to really know him and say goodbye. It wasn't until after he died that I learned how much he loved and protected me even when I wasn't aware of it (that REALLY makes me feel like shit and hate myself). Like I said I couldn't get the courage to ask to talk to my grandpa, but I heard my name! (If you know my name, you will know that it is not a normal name you hear everyday.) I also know I heard a lot of spanish which was basically all my grandpa could speak. So I think he was trying to talk to me, but just like his dying days... I let fear get the best of me.
When I walked out, my friend asked what was wrong in spanish and I couldn't help but break down. I don't know if I necessarily believe in all of it, but how can you explain me HEARING my name? Wow. It has definitely been one very eye opening experience and if forced me to once again think about all the shit I still carry from the death of my grandpa. I really miss him...
Has anyone else ever had an experience like this or do you not believe it? I am having some difficulty really trying to process it all.
- Vizzy
p.s. Some of the spirits were very sassy and funny. At one point the paranormal investigator asked if there were any spirits that wanted to cross over and why the guy who hung himself hadn't already crossed. new thing you hear on the device is "He's waiting for the rapture, you dick!" OMG! Some spirits have AMAZING senses of humor!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Illusion or reality
Life without a scale is driving me fucking crazy. Since being in college from the end of August to now, I haven't weighed myself.
I'm looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing all this nastiness of my body grow. I don't know if my mind is just doing it or if I am getting fatter. I feel like shit when I can't exercise at the school's gym. Ugh! I need release. I just need to get better.
Better at school
better looking
a better friend
a better roommate
a better student
i'm just not good enough...
I'm looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing all this nastiness of my body grow. I don't know if my mind is just doing it or if I am getting fatter. I feel like shit when I can't exercise at the school's gym. Ugh! I need release. I just need to get better.
Better at school
better looking
a better friend
a better roommate
a better student
i'm just not good enough...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
College makes life so much more busy. Kind really sucks. Plus I have a job as one of the students that calls alumni to donate money to the school :S
Well I hope all of yall have been doing better than me cause let me tell you... I got assigned my first big paper Friday then purged twice... Fucking fantastic right? No, the answer is no.
Blah... I'm just scared shitless of failure. I just feel like I suck at everything. I'm not an attention seeker that most think of, but more in the normal girl way. Wah I mean is that I want guys to fucking notice me and just find me attractive. I feel fucking ugly that it doesn't help to have the world agreeing with me, you know? Fuck.
I'm tired and working on homework (a.k.a. Fuck ton of reading which I fear will not stay in my brain past tonight.)
Does any of this even make sense? I don't even know anything anymore.
Well I hope all of yall have been doing better than me cause let me tell you... I got assigned my first big paper Friday then purged twice... Fucking fantastic right? No, the answer is no.
Blah... I'm just scared shitless of failure. I just feel like I suck at everything. I'm not an attention seeker that most think of, but more in the normal girl way. Wah I mean is that I want guys to fucking notice me and just find me attractive. I feel fucking ugly that it doesn't help to have the world agreeing with me, you know? Fuck.
I'm tired and working on homework (a.k.a. Fuck ton of reading which I fear will not stay in my brain past tonight.)
Does any of this even make sense? I don't even know anything anymore.
Friday, September 2, 2011
I'm in my dorm
In case you don't subscribe to me on YouTube, I just wanted you all to know that I have now moved in. The room is still kinda a mess because I haven't had time to go to the mail room and get my HUGE boxes of all my shit I mailed to the school. I just have my clothes folded under my bed :/ I'm hoping to get my stuff tomorrow so I can finally hang my clothes and have all my other random crap.
I hope you are all well, but I'm gonna make this extremely short cause I'm tired.
Night!
-Vizzy
I hope you are all well, but I'm gonna make this extremely short cause I'm tired.
Night!
-Vizzy
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sleep eating
Ever been asleep and eaten something in your dream. It's usually something that the majority of us put on a "no-no" list, but bam! There it is in gluttonous quantity in your dream world.
You put said food to your mouth, and eat it.
Never can really remember what happens in the dream before or after that. Some reason though, I feel disgust and regret when I wake up. Crazy I know!
"How could dream Vizzy just be so weak and stupid."
Just a though I have had of reason that I felt some of you could relate to.
-Vizzy
You put said food to your mouth, and eat it.
Never can really remember what happens in the dream before or after that. Some reason though, I feel disgust and regret when I wake up. Crazy I know!
"How could dream Vizzy just be so weak and stupid."
Just a though I have had of reason that I felt some of you could relate to.
-Vizzy
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sliding down the rabbit hole
From a 14 week purge free spree, to me failing just 1 hour ago for the 2nd time in 5 days.
Houston, we have a problem, and I'm going down fast...
-Vizzy
Houston, we have a problem, and I'm going down fast...
-Vizzy
Friday, July 29, 2011
Hot hot hottie!
Ok... this is out of the ordinary for me, but I just have to do it. I'm usually not attracted to most guys but when I see a really REALLY cute one... I just have to let everyone know.
As you all know, I'm still down here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. When I came last year I was the math intern and physics teacher. Last year, we would go out dancing every weekend. It was a blast! At our favorite club, we meet this one guy who worked there a.k.a. "the hottie". He said we must be related because we have the same skin color and hair. (I can pass for a puerto rican).
We yesterday after having dinner with our boss lady, we were walking down the coast home. All of a sudden we see "hottie" there talking to his friends. He didn't recognize my bff, but did a double take on me because the hair gives me away. My hair is very unique pretty much everywhere. So we decided to stop and say hi and he asked us if we were gonna go out, but we couldn't because there is work today :( I wanted to scream "yes! Let's hang out" but I didn't. :'(
When we walked away, our boss tried to make the situation awkward by asking "Who was that? I don't remember seeing him in any of the pictures." I didn't deny knowing him at all because it's not like I had sex with the guy, I just danced with him last year.
Well here's a picture with "the hottie" that was taken last year:
- Vizzy
As you all know, I'm still down here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. When I came last year I was the math intern and physics teacher. Last year, we would go out dancing every weekend. It was a blast! At our favorite club, we meet this one guy who worked there a.k.a. "the hottie". He said we must be related because we have the same skin color and hair. (I can pass for a puerto rican).
We yesterday after having dinner with our boss lady, we were walking down the coast home. All of a sudden we see "hottie" there talking to his friends. He didn't recognize my bff, but did a double take on me because the hair gives me away. My hair is very unique pretty much everywhere. So we decided to stop and say hi and he asked us if we were gonna go out, but we couldn't because there is work today :( I wanted to scream "yes! Let's hang out" but I didn't. :'(
When we walked away, our boss tried to make the situation awkward by asking "Who was that? I don't remember seeing him in any of the pictures." I didn't deny knowing him at all because it's not like I had sex with the guy, I just danced with him last year.
Well here's a picture with "the hottie" that was taken last year:
Well this has been my rant on "le hottie" (my poor attempt at french XD).
Thank you for putting up with it. You deserve every drop of my gratitude if you read this entire post.- Vizzy
Friday, July 22, 2011
Missing out
OMFG! I feel like I have been missing so much about you all. :(
I'm way behind on reading everyone's blogs and haven't even thought of writing here because I've been SO freaking busy.
I'm working here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. Being a teacher is such freaking tough stuff! Making lesson plans, homework, test, AND doing it all in spanish. Blah... (I love spanish, but it's just not my first language. I learned english first because my dad doesn't speak it, so my mom mostly spoke english.) Oh, well... free practice before I have to start studying it again in college.
Well speaking of college. While I'm working, I am also trying to juggle in scheduling my college courses. I'm taking a freshman seminar type class (Creating Monsters (just a study on how society has come to create and dictate who and what is the definition of a monster)), Psychology 100 (I figure my college won't take the credit I had before because I didn't have a laboratory section to the course) and finally I'm taking Culture of the Spanish Speaking World (Specifically only the study of Mexico and Central America).
The times seem fairly reasonable, so let's see how I really survive once I'm in the middle of it :S
oh... Now about the food situation here down in Mexico. It's good, but I guess that it mean's it's a band situation? I've lost my grasp on the normality of eating.
To put it simply... after having not lost weigh in about 3 months... the weight is FALLING off me here. I can look in the mirror and I'm pretty sure I see a flatter stomach (My mind wants to tell me I'm still huge and that I'll never lose, but my clothes are disagreeing.) It's only been 2 weeks, but my shorts are very much loser (good thing I brought some belts, I suppose).
Now here's why the situation is good and bad. Bad because I'm getting my restricting tendencies REALLY intensely. (Even with a 8 week purge free streak I am REALLY getting those thoughts.) I tell myself things like:
- "Oh, well I might as not eat cause there aren't many vegetarian options."
- "It just seems like too much work to throw something together to eat".
- "Might as well save my money for college".
THOSE THINGS SUCK! If it were my sister in my situation I would tell her to really get some professional help.
But on the other hand, I'm so screwed in the head that I'm thinking of things like "Yes! The weight is finally dropping again".
If this is any indication of how I will be in college... I don't know weather to laugh or cry...
Well, I'll let yall go and live your merry life's.
Until next time,
- Vizzy
I'm way behind on reading everyone's blogs and haven't even thought of writing here because I've been SO freaking busy.
I'm working here in Acapulco, Mexico teaching math. Being a teacher is such freaking tough stuff! Making lesson plans, homework, test, AND doing it all in spanish. Blah... (I love spanish, but it's just not my first language. I learned english first because my dad doesn't speak it, so my mom mostly spoke english.) Oh, well... free practice before I have to start studying it again in college.
Well speaking of college. While I'm working, I am also trying to juggle in scheduling my college courses. I'm taking a freshman seminar type class (Creating Monsters (just a study on how society has come to create and dictate who and what is the definition of a monster)), Psychology 100 (I figure my college won't take the credit I had before because I didn't have a laboratory section to the course) and finally I'm taking Culture of the Spanish Speaking World (Specifically only the study of Mexico and Central America).
The times seem fairly reasonable, so let's see how I really survive once I'm in the middle of it :S
oh... Now about the food situation here down in Mexico. It's good, but I guess that it mean's it's a band situation? I've lost my grasp on the normality of eating.
To put it simply... after having not lost weigh in about 3 months... the weight is FALLING off me here. I can look in the mirror and I'm pretty sure I see a flatter stomach (My mind wants to tell me I'm still huge and that I'll never lose, but my clothes are disagreeing.) It's only been 2 weeks, but my shorts are very much loser (good thing I brought some belts, I suppose).
Now here's why the situation is good and bad. Bad because I'm getting my restricting tendencies REALLY intensely. (Even with a 8 week purge free streak I am REALLY getting those thoughts.) I tell myself things like:
- "Oh, well I might as not eat cause there aren't many vegetarian options."
- "It just seems like too much work to throw something together to eat".
- "Might as well save my money for college".
THOSE THINGS SUCK! If it were my sister in my situation I would tell her to really get some professional help.
But on the other hand, I'm so screwed in the head that I'm thinking of things like "Yes! The weight is finally dropping again".
If this is any indication of how I will be in college... I don't know weather to laugh or cry...
Well, I'll let yall go and live your merry life's.
Until next time,
- Vizzy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
