Ah first things first... Last wednesday and thursday I was up in Illinois to visit a college. I stayed overnight and even got to sit in a psychology/religion class. It really took me sitting in the class to imaging myself going to school there. Plus, the financial aid is the BEST!
So, it's official... I'm going to Knox College!
Now, on to something I've been thinking about just recently... I need to become more assertive. It's bad how indecisive I can be.
Yesterday, I hung out with my best friend to look at clothes we are going to need to buy for cold, snowy weather. Once we got to her house she invited me to go dancing with her and a couple of guys. I decided to (after 30ish minutes) and change at my house.
Now yall know how I hate me body, so I wasn't feeling sexy, especially since my best friend is gorgeous and thin. When we got there I started dancing, and a short (a foot shorter since I was wearing heels) asked me to dance. I COULDN'T SAY NO. I just feel like I would be considered a bitch. After a few songs we stopped cause he wanted a drink, but I don't (he bought me water though. That was sweet.) Then I went to a different dance room and two different guy began arguing over me. (THAT was a new experience.) I just couldn't be mean and say, "I want to dance with" one or the other.
Finally I went back to the other room to get away from them both, and was approached once again. I danced with this guy for the rest of the night. He was getting frisky... I mean really frisky, but that's when I finally drew the line. I would not kiss him. I just couldn't do it.
It was soooooooo strange to actually felt wanted. To feel appeling and dare I say it... sexy.
Well if you made it this far... you are AMAZING.
Until next time,
Vizzy
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
I shouldn't have
Just did something I know I shouldn't have...
Why am I so good at being a disappointment.
I flushed my 5 week success down the toilet... literally.
-Vizzy
Thursday, April 21, 2011
hope?
Ok. Just caught up with everyones blogs. Ooof! But I love you all, so it's the price of love :)
Any who. Those of you who haven't blogged in a while, WHAT'S GOING ON!?
Just 28 days for me until I graduate, and I still have NOT made up my mind about a college (have to chose a college by may 1st).
Next week I'll go up to visit Knox College (small liberal arts school) in Illinois. They accepted me even though I applied late, but it will still depend heavily on how much financial aid they can offer.
Sucks to be poor. Sucks that education cost so much.
And can I say cuts and scars just suck too? I hate that I have to do it, but I HAVE to do it. I don't even feel worthy enough to get a tattoo of the word "hope" on my inner right wrist when the lie lives in the inner left wrist.
Well, I need to make a youtube vlog, because I have neglected them for far too long.
Even when shit is going down in my life,
hope all is well for yall
-Vizzy
Any who. Those of you who haven't blogged in a while, WHAT'S GOING ON!?
Just 28 days for me until I graduate, and I still have NOT made up my mind about a college (have to chose a college by may 1st).
Next week I'll go up to visit Knox College (small liberal arts school) in Illinois. They accepted me even though I applied late, but it will still depend heavily on how much financial aid they can offer.
Sucks to be poor. Sucks that education cost so much.
And can I say cuts and scars just suck too? I hate that I have to do it, but I HAVE to do it. I don't even feel worthy enough to get a tattoo of the word "hope" on my inner right wrist when the lie lives in the inner left wrist.
Well, I need to make a youtube vlog, because I have neglected them for far too long.
Even when shit is going down in my life,
hope all is well for yall
-Vizzy
Friday, April 15, 2011
Long time no blog huh... sorry (If you actually care. It not... whatever.)
Soooooo. Time has been more of it's hating self. I'm sliding deeper and deeper in to a depression of self loathing and apathy.
If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter. Nothing fucking matters or has value if it has to do with me.
Hell even colleges don't want me enough. It's evident that they haven't giving me enough scholarship. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR IT. I'm poor, my family is poor.
I don't know what to do....
The only thing I seem to do on a regular basis is cut, and please others....
Fuck it all.
Soooooo. Time has been more of it's hating self. I'm sliding deeper and deeper in to a depression of self loathing and apathy.
If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter. Nothing fucking matters or has value if it has to do with me.
Hell even colleges don't want me enough. It's evident that they haven't giving me enough scholarship. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR IT. I'm poor, my family is poor.
I don't know what to do....
The only thing I seem to do on a regular basis is cut, and please others....
Fuck it all.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
To be, or not to be...
So today began normal enough.
Woke up, made a little oatmeal, went to school.
At school everything was normal until about noon. All the teachers were told something, but did not tell us. They were all acting very strange.
After lunch the faculty called us all in to a room to tell us something. It began with a prayer by the head of school and then he broke the news. A sophomore student's father had "suddenly died". (That was his phrasing) We were in there because he wanted to tell us that as a community we are all going to have to be there for her when she gets back.
Now, I don't know her or have ever met her, but I still feel so sorry for her lose; however, you can see that there is nothing connecting us. That was until I found out what "sudden death" meant. I just assumed he had a heart attack or something, but he really committed suicide. I found out from a guy who's father was friends with the decease.
BAM! That really hit me.
I have never attempted to commit suicide, but I have consider it too many times. Sometimes everything is so crippling that it truly seems like one of two options: to be or not to be.
"To be or not to be, that is the question."
I hope none of you have ever asked yourselves that question, but I fear I'm not alone. I can only speak from experience, but I know how it feels to be drowning.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to just want all the suffering to end.
I know how it feels to think no one will care when you're gone.
But what I never thought about because I had never experienced it is how that decision "not to be" impacts EVERYONE. Even people you don't know nor have ever met.
Some people cried, some were numb,and some empathized. All in all, this news has changed us all. I never completely thought how my action could potentially bring sadness to those I love and care about. That is never what I intended and I'm sure that girl's father never wanted to sadden his family.
Even in the pit of suffering, we never want pain for others. Just think.
-Vizzy
Woke up, made a little oatmeal, went to school.
At school everything was normal until about noon. All the teachers were told something, but did not tell us. They were all acting very strange.
After lunch the faculty called us all in to a room to tell us something. It began with a prayer by the head of school and then he broke the news. A sophomore student's father had "suddenly died". (That was his phrasing) We were in there because he wanted to tell us that as a community we are all going to have to be there for her when she gets back.
Now, I don't know her or have ever met her, but I still feel so sorry for her lose; however, you can see that there is nothing connecting us. That was until I found out what "sudden death" meant. I just assumed he had a heart attack or something, but he really committed suicide. I found out from a guy who's father was friends with the decease.
BAM! That really hit me.
I have never attempted to commit suicide, but I have consider it too many times. Sometimes everything is so crippling that it truly seems like one of two options: to be or not to be.
"To be or not to be, that is the question."
I hope none of you have ever asked yourselves that question, but I fear I'm not alone. I can only speak from experience, but I know how it feels to be drowning.
I know how it feels to be alone.
I know how it feels to just want all the suffering to end.
I know how it feels to think no one will care when you're gone.
But what I never thought about because I had never experienced it is how that decision "not to be" impacts EVERYONE. Even people you don't know nor have ever met.
Some people cried, some were numb,and some empathized. All in all, this news has changed us all. I never completely thought how my action could potentially bring sadness to those I love and care about. That is never what I intended and I'm sure that girl's father never wanted to sadden his family.
Even in the pit of suffering, we never want pain for others. Just think.
-Vizzy
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ladies and Gentlemen, To the Gas Chambers
ugh.
Only 2 days in and the week is miserable. Getting back to school after a break is tough. I have been sitting there just kind of out of it. Sorry teachers, I'm just ready to graduate.
But I can't just slack of. NO! I have to make A's in my classes to exempt the finals AND I have my AP exams coming up. ugh!
To be honest... I suck at studying... I depend on my natural intelligence (yes ye I know... I'm screwing my self over because I can't do that in college) :(
What's better is all of this stressed mixed with self hatred of my body. PERFECT!
I'll stop all my bitching and moaning now. I just had to get it out or I may go postal at school :/
I'll leave you with this song. I'm living the american dream: go to school, get a job, find a husband, settle down.
in that respect enjoy the sounds of American Dream by Danielle Ate The Sandwich
- Vizzy
Only 2 days in and the week is miserable. Getting back to school after a break is tough. I have been sitting there just kind of out of it. Sorry teachers, I'm just ready to graduate.
But I can't just slack of. NO! I have to make A's in my classes to exempt the finals AND I have my AP exams coming up. ugh!
To be honest... I suck at studying... I depend on my natural intelligence (yes ye I know... I'm screwing my self over because I can't do that in college) :(
What's better is all of this stressed mixed with self hatred of my body. PERFECT!
I'll stop all my bitching and moaning now. I just had to get it out or I may go postal at school :/
I'll leave you with this song. I'm living the american dream: go to school, get a job, find a husband, settle down.
in that respect enjoy the sounds of American Dream by Danielle Ate The Sandwich
- Vizzy
Monday, March 14, 2011
You know what...
- sometimes my atelophobia can be to much that everything feels pointless. No matter what I do, it will fucking fail or suck, because let’s face it… it can only be as good as I am.
- sometimes I’m NOT ok, even when I say otherwise. Sometimes it’s ESPECIALLY when I say I am. I don’t feel worth shit, and no one cares. After 18 years that message has reeked its permanent damage.
- when I scream there is only silence
- when I feel unworthy is when I need mental help the most
- sometimes I’m NOT ok, even when I say otherwise. Sometimes it’s ESPECIALLY when I say I am. I don’t feel worth shit, and no one cares. After 18 years that message has reeked its permanent damage.
- when I scream there is only silence
- when I feel unworthy is when I need mental help the most
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
people discussing your issues
Ok, so today in class we just happened to start talking about Demi Levato. (She is the star that just got out of rehab yesterday.)
Now the issues she went in are speculative, but because of tale tale scars just about everyone knows that she has had some sort of history with self injury.
So they just start talking about how it's so weird and they don't see how it could help or relieve, and I'm sitting on the opposite side of the table with all my bracelets covering scars and brand-spankin'-new cuts.
Is this a sign? The morning right after I cut, people start talking about the topic.
... it's too close for comfort.
-Vizzy
Now the issues she went in are speculative, but because of tale tale scars just about everyone knows that she has had some sort of history with self injury.
So they just start talking about how it's so weird and they don't see how it could help or relieve, and I'm sitting on the opposite side of the table with all my bracelets covering scars and brand-spankin'-new cuts.
Is this a sign? The morning right after I cut, people start talking about the topic.
... it's too close for comfort.
-Vizzy
Monday, March 7, 2011
%!&$ you universe!
FUCK YOUTUBE
FUCK CENSORING
FUCK FOOD
FUCK SOCIETY
FUCK IT ALL!
*sigh* I'm sorry. It's just that I was gonna do an intense hour cardio workout on youtube only to find that copyright or some shit has taken it down.
It just seems like the universe is working against me. What did I do wrong? I'm sorry I wasn't aborted before I was born, universe. Now you just fucking torment me and try to keep me fat and hating myself... just awesome.
-Vizzy
FUCK CENSORING
FUCK FOOD
FUCK SOCIETY
FUCK IT ALL!
*sigh* I'm sorry. It's just that I was gonna do an intense hour cardio workout on youtube only to find that copyright or some shit has taken it down.
It just seems like the universe is working against me. What did I do wrong? I'm sorry I wasn't aborted before I was born, universe. Now you just fucking torment me and try to keep me fat and hating myself... just awesome.
-Vizzy
Friday, March 4, 2011
run fat girl run.
That's the cheer that was going on in my head today while I was running outside. I usually NEVER run outside because I have a little rule against public-displays-of-perspiration, but the weather has been SO gorgeous here, I just had to get out rather than be a little gerbil on the treadmill in the garage.
I actually went faster than what I do on the treadmill, but it was a push. It's a little more difficult because you are propelling yourself rather than getting assistance from the moving belt of a treadmill.
But, back to the cheer's in my head. I steped on the scale today to weigh in, but to my fucking surprise the damn thing is the same since my 7lbs loss 2/3 weeks ago.
WHAT THE FUCK! I'm doing the ABC and running like a dog. My clothes are getting loser. COME ON, UNIVERSE. Work with me, not against me.
*sigh*
I hope that you are all becoming exactly the beauties yall envision yourselves as.
Until next time,
Vizzy
I actually went faster than what I do on the treadmill, but it was a push. It's a little more difficult because you are propelling yourself rather than getting assistance from the moving belt of a treadmill.
But, back to the cheer's in my head. I steped on the scale today to weigh in, but to my fucking surprise the damn thing is the same since my 7lbs loss 2/3 weeks ago.
WHAT THE FUCK! I'm doing the ABC and running like a dog. My clothes are getting loser. COME ON, UNIVERSE. Work with me, not against me.
*sigh*
I hope that you are all becoming exactly the beauties yall envision yourselves as.
Until next time,
Vizzy
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